I am 20 and pregnant and not sure what to do

[Hannah378]

Hey, today I found out I am pregnant. Not sure what I should do at all. I am 20 and in my final year at uni atm. I feel awful at the thought of getting an abortion and really scared and sick at the thought of what will happen to my baby and part of me wants to have this child but I know I am too young and it's not practical as I have no job and no money and am still a student. My bf got really angry at me when I told him and got mad at me for screwing up birth control but I don't think I did anything wrong. He told me that I had to get an abortion and that I was stupid to be thinking about not getting one. He is 26 and has a decent job but he says he doesn't want anything to do with us if I have the baby and doesn't want his name on the birth certificate and says he give me any support and won't have to as his name is not on the birth certificate.He was quite mean to me and I didn't like the way he was talking to me but I think it was just the shock of it all and hopefully he will be a lot more constructive and less angry next time I talk to him. He is a really great guy and I really do see a future with him and I know he could be a great dad. I haven't told my parents yet as I don't want to have to talk about this over Christmas and potentially ruin Christmas for them and I am going to wait till boxing Day to do that. I just have no idea cause I know if I keep this baby I will have no job and money and probably single potentially for a long time and I know he/she is going to take over my entire life and I will have zero social life or career prospects and I have no clue what to do or what my life will be like. I know everyone will judge me for being so young and a mum and I am scared about that and I don't know what to do or think but I know I feel so sick at the thought of an abortion. Not sure what to do please give me advice sorry I am a mess

Like others have said, your boyfriend has shown his true colours. This is who he really is. He really isn't a great guy as he's lying to you about not having to contribute, and he's also blaming it on you without taking any responsibility himself.

If you keep it, don't get entangled with a man like that and leave yourself vulnerable to being stuck with him.

@jeannie46

It won't be easy but doable if you want to continue with the pregnancy. I guess Finals will be May/June next year so baby will arrive just after? A family friend had her daughter in the middle of her Medic's Finals. Took some of her exams in hospital. Still passed first in year and has had a great career. Lots of women have babies while holding down jobs/ studying. I did twice myself.

You just have to decide whether you do or don't want to continue with this pregnancy and with this man? (He doesn't sound like a keeper to me). A man who treats you badly when things don't go smoothly is not the one for you. The test of a person is how they react in a crisis. He will repeatedly let you down and be nasty with it. He has shown you what he is like. Believe him. He is not the man you imagine/want him to be.

Write list of the things he does you love and then a list of the things he has done which you dislike. Do you love the 'imagined' man not the real one?

Yeah I think so. I think if I were to continue with the pregnancy then I'd want to do my exams this year if practical, just to get them done. It's reassuring that that can be done although I can't imagine doing an exam in hospital! If he continues to treat me that way then I will end it but I do really love him and there have been so many good times with him. I'm hoping he's going to apologize in the next few days and we can have a much more constructive conversation about it

You can work out how much money you would get by filling in this calculator. www.entitledto.co.uk/
You would get the child maintenance from the baby's dad on top of this too.

@Trinxsy

Hi OP.

I'm 21 and expecting surprise twins.
I already have a son who I fell pregnant with at 18 whilst I was still at sixth form. Thankfully I was in my final year but I finished sixth form when I was 7 months pregnant and a couple days later, I gave birth 10 weeks early.

I, too, considered an abortion with my son but I would have regretted that decision every day of my life so I chose not to.
I'm not going to lie, it was hard but I wouldn't change it for the world.
My partner works full time and we are very lucky not to struggle for anything but there were times in the beginning I thought, oh my gosh, what have I done?!

Your University will have some support in place for you whilst pregnant and if you decide to put University on pause for now, that's okay too.

You will get support from student finance if you decide to put it on pause and then go back.
You will also be eligible for universal credit.

Only you can make this decision.

I'm really pleased it's worked out well for you now! I think if I were to keep the baby I would be keen to finish my degree this year which would mean also taking important exams 7 months pregnant I think so good to hear that that is possible! I think I might well regret an abortion but I'm just scared that if I do regret having a baby it'll be so much worse. Thanks for replying and sharing your story it's great to hear that it could work out well. Have you worked or done more studying since having your son and if so how practical has that been or how practical would you think that would be? How did your partner react when you told him you were pregnant and how did he react over time?

I've worked full time and also completed two years of University.
I wouldn't have been able to do it if it weren't for financial support from student finance who funded my son's nursery almost entirely.
I took a break before my last year in the midst of covid and haven't been back yet but I wouldn't say that's for practicality reasons. Just a personal choice I made.

Working full time was harder than University in my opinion as that was well, full time whereas I didn't have to attend University every day and I used to study when my son slept or was doing a full day at nursery.

My partner was in complete and utter shock to be honest. He was on the other end of the country as he used to work away. It was quite difficult as we were living in a horrid run down flat and I was working 8 hours a week alongside sixth form.
He completely supported any choices I were to make in regards to keeping or aborting our son.
I am very lucky in that sense but I wouldn't say it's been plain sailing for us. A baby puts a lot of stress into many many relationships no matter the situation or age.
Unfortunately, this is a choice only you can make. I'm assuming you're really early on still? You have a few weeks to make a decision, whatever that may be, and I think talking to your close friend or a parent will help.

@Cherryblossoms85

Your boyfriend has shown his true colours there. Believe him. Whatever you decide, make sure he is not in your life. He doesn't get to dictate terms when he's made fuck all effort at ensuring contraception. If you want the baby, keep it. I assume you are on good terms with your parents?

I feel like I want to give him one more chance to apologize, I know it was such a huge shock to him too and he was also confused and scared. Hopefully when he has thought about it a bit more we can have a more constructive conversation Yes fairly good terms but I'm not sure if they'd want a baby living with them all the time

@MrsTerryPratchett

At 26 your boyfriend should know much better. And his reaction was very very bad. Don't base any decision on having him in your life long term.

Do you actually want a child? I mean if you had a time machine and could go back and change it without an abortion so you just weren't pregnant, would you? Because if you would, you don't want a child and abortion is probably the right choice. A whole new human being deserves being a choice.

But if you're glad, and wouldn't change things, get very good advice from uni, benefits, CAB etc. find out what you can do and when.

I don't know! I think I probably would but maybe this is what is right for me and deep down what I want. I have always wanted to have a child fairly young but imagined mid twenties and not 20! I just worry that it might be too young and I am not ready.

If you do go ahead with the pregnancy, I think exams at 7 months pregnant should be feasible with an uncomplicated pregnancy. You can ask the university if they can support. You could also consider applying for graduate scheme jobs and then asking them to defer a year or two. Big firms would usually supports that type of arrangement. Adoption is also a good option.

I can't advise you what to do but you need to be prepared to be a lone parent from the get-go. And although he should pay maintenance, you may have a fight on your hands to get it if he's unwilling.

And even though he'd had a shock his reaction was horrible and I think you're being far too understanding, he really isn't a great guy.

Hi Hannah,
I was in a very similar situation at your age, also at Christmas time. My heart really goes out to you.
I agonized about what to do. I opted to terminate the pregnancy. Practically straightforward, but it did make me sad for a while.
However, I definitely do not regret it, even a tiny bit. My twenties where so much fun. I travelled, became fluent in another language, started a new career, had amazing nights out and wonderful times.
I met a brilliant man, who wants to tackle life's challenges with me. Builds me up, would never say hurtful things when I was shocked and scared. I look back and am relieved not to be tied to the man I thought I loved so much, but who didn't have my back when I needed him most.
In my early thirties we had 2 fantastic, very wanted children. I am so much of a better Mum than I would have been at 20. I am calmer and more patient. We have a level of financial security and can offer our kids many more opportunities. I took time out of work to be with them, and had the experience and connections to go freelance. Having kids it's bloody hard work in any circumstances, I'm so glad I am doing it by active choice, on my terms.
Only you can decide if it is right for you. But my advice would be tell one or two very trusted friends/family. Have an abortion, accepting it may make you feel sad, so be kind to yourself.
I think you need to accept the relationship will not be long term whatever you decide. Even if he apologizes for his shitty reaction. Over time it is hard to be with a man who didn't want a baby he got you pregnant with. It really is a crushing rejection.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, it's such a horrible decision. Sending love.

Hi I had my DD at your age she's now 8 , yes at times it's been a struggle I'm on course to finish my nursing degree finally !! my OH said he didn't want to be a father or involved he changed his mind and we are still together all these years later. I don't regret having my DD at all I love her to pieces but there has been some tough moments.

Hi OP I had a termination at 16 and I have never regretted it. I am so thankful that I didn't have to spend the rest of my life linked to a horrible, selfish shit of a man (as my ex-bf was then).

I went on to have a great academic career, interesting jobs/travel, and two long-term relationships ( one of which led to marriage) and two wonderful children with a great dad.

Just wanted to give an alternative perspective. Wish you all the best

I fell pregnant with my first at 21 just after I graduated. It wasn't planned but she was born two weeks before my 22nd birthday. My partner didn't stick around but I met someone else when she was one. I did a masters when my daughter was two. We've now been together ten years, married for four and he has been her father ever since. Together we had another baby when I was 25 and I'm now 33 and 30weeks pregnant with no3.

Whatever you decide can I just add, what kind of support do you think this man will give you in the future with any other big life changing events occur. What an awful reaction to a surprise situation but that's life. You will, like everybody, go through the ups and downs of life, whether that means sickness, bereavement, another unexpected pregnancy, domestic problems etc...
How much of a support do u think this man will be, he sounds very weak amd very selfish

Having the baby is your choice and it has to be a real choice, with both options considered totally freely and weighed up. This means considering the effects on you and the baby. I'm afraid your boyfriend is not now the no.1 in this, which he knows and which is why he's reacted the way he has.

Abortion is often loaded as the 'sensible' option, but if your instinct is that this would be wrong for you, it's very important to take on board the psychological impact it could have on you.

To offer my experience - I became pregnant at 21 and felt exactly as you do (recoiled from abortion instinctively but was scared of how I'd have a baby at that age and in that situation). Everyone around me reacted as your boyfriend did, and told me to have an abortion. I couldn't go through with it at first, but then did. The impact on me psychologically was so devastating that I can honestly say the whole course of my life was thrown out and I live the effects still today. It literally destroyed me. But that is me, and I'm only saying this because you need to be aware that you might react v badly to abortion. It's something that isn't always clearly factored in, I think. It's easier to predict the challenges you'd face having the baby. Having the baby against his wishes may well mean you lose him, though. Having said that, his reaction has been selfish and not very supportive, to say the least. He's not allowing you to make a free choice.

The most important thing is: don't feel bad about either choice. It is genuinely your choice. Don't feel heartless if you choose abortion. Don't feel reckless if you choose to have the baby.

You must do what you feel to be right for you.

If you have the baby, things will arrange themselves and you will get through somehow. The challenges are mostly practical, and you'll have the positive boost of love to tell you.

If you have the abortion, the challenges will be more psychological, in my experience. What I hadn't properly understood was that people may offer support, but you will be entirely alone with your possible grief and self-recrimination, and that will be with you for life.

Either way, your life has now changed and won't be the same again.

Typo ... I meant the boost of love will help you. Carry you.

You sound very brave and at the end of the day, this is your life. People think of the right to choose being about the baby. But it's just as much about you. X

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think the first thing to accept is your relationship is over. Irrelevant of whether you go ahead or not, how long was your relationship?

Don’t rush ti tell anyone, because you will then face the weight of others opinions, adding to the pressure, take the time to think through do you want this baby, to be a single parent, start looking at benefits etc you can claim, council housing, child care, job options etc. make your own decision and then talk to your family.

Please also stop hanging on waitin for the father to apologise, even if he does it will be irrelevant, he doesn’t wish to be a father at this stage.

Hi @Hannah378. Not to influence your decision at all, just to share my experience. I got unexpectedly pregnant at 20 in a relationship that was a month old! I chose to keep the baby. When she was 18months I went to uni and did an undergraduate then post graduate degree and got my dream job. I became a single parent in my second year of uni. It was really hard but I wouldn’t change it at all.

My social life did change but I felt it was positive as I wasn’t going out getting wasted but friends would meet up at mine for drinks pr go out for dinner. I also made a lot of parent friends.

People did judge me but people will judge everything anyway.

I think the only thing I sometimes feel I missed out on was the lack of responsibility most of my friends had. I never really got the opportunity to be selfish as I pretty much went from being a child to having a child. Then again, I don’t think I’d have done much with the freedom.

I think you need to think about ending things with your BF. Mine was a total arsehole but was supportive when he found out about the pregnancy.

Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Another one for ditch the guy. Being 'shocked/scared/confused' is not an excuse for the way he has acted.

Life is full of shocking, scary and confusing moments and believe me, you don't want a man who lets you down and is mean/threatening towards you when you need him most. There are plenty of men (as there are women) out there who deal with shocking/scary/confusing things in an appropriate way.

For example, even saying 'Oh fucking hell, I don't know what to think' is an adequate (although obviously not perfect!) first reaction to a surprise pregancy. 'Get an abortion, I am not going to support you and you can't make me' is not an adequate reaction.

Throw this one back OP.

I had my DS at 21 in your situation.
I've never ever regretted it. I finished my nursing degree after he was born and went on to have a good career and my DS is a wonderful adult, we are best friends.
I won't say it wasn't hard but it was the best thing I ever did although his father didn't stick around.
DS is 40 next year.

Hi Hannah

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I don't know your boyfriend but from what you've said, he doesn't sound supportive so if it were me, I'd be considering whether he's the man I want to be with regardless of the decision you make.

I had an unexpected pregnancy at 26 and ultimately decided to terminate but it was in no way an easy decision. I didn't have a good support network around me and to this day, I wish I had because speaking through your thoughts and the options is so important. You mentioned you are going to tell your parents which I think is great if you can. Do you think they will be supportive? Others have mentioned seeking support from a professional organisation as well like Marie stopes which I would highly recommend. They have counsellors who specialise in helping people work through this decision and I really wish I had done this.

This is a major sliding doors moment in your life and no matter what you choose there will always be "what ifs", so all you can do is make the decision that feels right to you at this moment in your life. Nobody else can make this decision for you so please don't feel pressured by your boyfriend.

Please let us know how you get on and if you need anyone to talk to my inbox and I'm sure lots of others is always open.

It's an extremely personal choice and no one here can tell you the right thing to do.

Personally, I would not have had a baby at 20, knowing what I know now at 35 with two DC and a very supportive and hands on DH, with our own house and great careers.

Having a baby before you've even began your career could be very very difficult, which will impact on your ability to buy a house and get on the career/housing ladders (depending on what you want to do in future).

It will affect future relationships.

Having a baby now with a useless father will be difficult literally forever.

Like you said, your parents may not want to or be able to help you as much as you would need or want them to.

Of course the above is all based on my personal experiences and that not apply to you at all.

Having a baby is really, so much harder than most people admit.

Good luck whatever you decide, genuinely

@katie119

Hi Hannah

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I don't know your boyfriend but from what you've said, he doesn't sound supportive so if it were me, I'd be considering whether he's the man I want to be with regardless of the decision you make.

I had an unexpected pregnancy at 26 and ultimately decided to terminate but it was in no way an easy decision. I didn't have a good support network around me and to this day, I wish I had because speaking through your thoughts and the options is so important. You mentioned you are going to tell your parents which I think is great if you can. Do you think they will be supportive? Others have mentioned seeking support from a professional organisation as well like Marie stopes which I would highly recommend. They have counsellors who specialise in helping people work through this decision and I really wish I had done this.

This is a major sliding doors moment in your life and no matter what you choose there will always be "what ifs", so all you can do is make the decision that feels right to you at this moment in your life. Nobody else can make this decision for you so please don't feel pressured by your boyfriend.

Please let us know how you get on and if you need anyone to talk to my inbox and I'm sure lots of others is always open.

this is really, really good advice

When you do speak to him again, I would be very clear that this situation is not 'your fault' - birth control is not the responsibility of one partner alone.

I'm assuming your uni will already have a few student parents, hopefully they can put you in touch with one of them to discuss the practicalities.

I wish you all the best in whichever decision you take, but please do plan on the basis of being alone with the consequences; if your bf does come around, great, but for now the safe assumption is that you would be a single parent.

Hi Hannah, I'm sorry you are going through this. I had the exact same situation when I was your age, my child is an adult now. I was shit scared about telling my parents, my DF was very old fashioned. They were so supportive and that was what made my situation work out. I love my DD to bits and can't imagine life without her. My life took a direction I hadn't planned but not a bad one, just different. I don't have the career I wanted but have always worked and had enough. Now I have more freedom to do what I want whilst other friends my age have younger children. I hope your family offer you the same support so you can do what is right for you.