medical abortion 9w... Pls help

[Tangerinedreamx]

Hi,
I am looking for a bit of support, advice and others experiences I guess. Tomorrow I go to have a medical abortion (I'll be 9 + 2) I know this is the right decision for my family right now but I'm having such a hard time dealing with and accepting it. I'm so scared of the experience itself, especially being so far along. I basically have a few days to go ahead with this or it will be a surgical abortion which I don't think I'll be able to go through with.
My partner had said he would support me either way but I know that he does not want me to go through with this pregnancy and I don't want it tearing us apart- I am not strong enough to do it on my own and I wouldn't want to. I had some counselling yesterday about the situation and the lady I spoke to advised me that as I do feel something for this pregnancy I will probably experience a period of grieving which is completely normal.
In the begining I was excited about being pregnant, it felt I was in this perfect little dream bubble, which has popped and the reality of the situation is something very different.
My head's such a mess, but I've run out of time and this is the best thing to do in my situation. If anyone could share their honest experiences I think this would really help me, as I don't have any support or anyone to talk to.
Thank you for reading

Hi @Tangerinedreamx, I’m sorry to hear your situation. It’s sounds incredibly difficult.

You sound incredibly conflicted. If you don’t mind me asking, what is your situation that makes you feel you can’t continue with the pregnancy?

I had a termination in March this year. I felt it was very right at the time. I believed it was a mistake being pregnant . I had a lot of fears and worries. My mood lowered and anxiety sky rocked.

I felt relief afterwards. That was quite short lived though. The mental health fall out has been huge thereafter. I’ve felt low, incredibly anxious, sleep has been poor and I’ve been very sad. It’s taken a lot of hard work with weekly counselling to get back to some sort of normality. I’ve also used Stillwaters in Birmingham to assist in my recovery too. They assist women in crisis with pregnancy, miscarriage and abortion. Have a look at their website.

However I know many women don’t even look back after a termination. It is very individual.

Just be sure (as I suppose you can be) that this is correct for you. Like you say, it’ is fine to be sad afterwards as for many it is like a grief process.

Take care. I know how challenging this is.xx

Stillwaters link.

helphopehealing.co.uk/

Thankyou @ED81 and I am sorry to hear about the situation you went through. Are you more at peace with your decision through the counselling if you don't mind me asking? My partner and I have only been together a few months, it was completely unplanned and a massive shock as I was using contraception. I went through a messy divorce 12 months ago now which has left me in a very difficult financial position that I am still working on and I don't think I would manage financially. I don't think I could even afford to go on maternity to be honest, never mind childcare costs. Initially I was excited and think I was looking at the situation with Rose tinted glasses, which is why I guess I let it go for so long. I've had midwife appointments and an early scan due to early issues, which has made this decision all the harder after seeing the heartbeat. My partner has said he will support me either way, but I know he doesn't want me to continue with the pregnancy and I don't want to put all that extra pressure on a new relationship. I never thought a termination would be something I'd ever consider and always thought that when I became pregnant it would be a happy and exciting time. The whole situation feels like a cruel joke.

If you are having grave doubts then you need to think again before going ahead. It can't be undone afterwards.

I’m more at peace now. It’s been harder than I would have ever imagined though. I didn’t have a scan (covid restrictions etc) and I do believe it will stay with me forever.

I completely sympathise with you. A baby is expensive - or as expensive as you want them to be at least. Childcare etc is the real biggie. It is very costly. I’m not sure what the benefit situation is for mothers. Do you have supportive family & friends? That can make a difference.

And a baby does put pressure on any relationship. Abortion too though. This has been a tough time on my husband.

I realise what you mean re abortion and perhaps not ever seeing yourself in these shoes. It’s an overwhelming situation.xx

@cybershirls hi thanks for your response, am just wondering have you had any personal experiences in this sort of situation or known anyone that has? I have received pre-counselling from BPAS, I wouldn't say they were biased just someone to listen to really as they didn't try to push me one way or the other.

I am fully in support of any woman making her own decisions about pregnancy, including the decision to terminate. But you sound so sad and conflicted. I don't think that you should do it. Finances can be worked out, things work out one way or another. Yes, it might be a tough patch ahead, but fast-forward to two years or five years later, and things will have smoothed out and you will have a beautiful child.
Your relationship might not stand the stress of an abortion anyway, particularly as you feel so uncertain. So don't let the newness of your relationship be your deciding point. Plus, your partner has said you have his support.
Yes, it is soon after your divorce, but that really doesn't matter in the long-term. Life is long, you are moving forward, this is a new beginning.
If you want to keep the baby, do it. Sending you so much love whichever decision you make.

@Ed81 Thankyou for sharing your experience and directing me to Stillwaters.

@Ruthietuthie thanks for your response. I am feeling a little conflicted. I know my partner has said he will support me either way but I think it will negatively impact our relationship knowing he does not want me to continue with the pregnancy and it's not something I am able to do on my own. I think I perhaps need another conversation with him to get everything out on the table beforehand. @Ed81 no I don't have any family support really. I think even coming to a decision would be easier if I did have a family and friend support network to talk to.

@Tangerinedreamxz. No problems whatsoever. This is tough.

Are you meant to be receiving tablets by post? I would never tell you to not complete or to complete the termination. It has to be you that makes this choice.

If you are certain you don’t want a surgical termination, how much time do you have?x

@cybershirls what an awful post to write when someone is conflicted! You should be ashamed of yourself.

I have to go to collect the tablets tomorrow. I am 9w+3d so only have a couple of days to go ahead with medical as they told me 10w was the cut off. Can I ask did you have a medical or a surgical? I've heard bad things about both (thought no experience is going to be pleasant) medical just doesn't seem as traumatic in my head. I also don't want to wait much longer as the earlier the better.

@Tangerinedreamx. Sorry it says you have a couple of days.

Id take those days to get a bit more clarity in your mind. And speak again to your partner.x

I had a medical termination 2 weeks ago and was deliberating over my decision for several weeks and ultimatley deciding to terminate for a number of reasons and one of which was financial.

I was around 6 weeks and the process physically wasn't as bad as I had been expecting but mentally I am struggling with the decision I made and if I could go back in time, I don't think I would have went through with it. In terms of the process itself, I was lucky enough to only experience very mild cramping for around an hour (I did take co-codamol around half an hour before my second tablets which I think helped hugely and kept this up every 4 hours). My bleeding also only lasted for around a week. I do worry that this termination hasn't worked as the symptons I had were extemely mild in comparison to other peoples experience which I have read about. I am due to take my pregnancy test next Friday after 3 weeks have passed.

Nobody can tell you what is best, only you yourself know that and I completley sympathise with you and hope that you get through this difficult time x

I had medical abortion so the tablets.

It was easy to access and I had the medication before I knew it. The first tablet made me feel nauseous but that’s it.

48 hours later I had the second set of tablets (I don’t know their names anymore - I’ve not allowed myself to remember). They made me quite ill. I vomited, was nauseous and had diarrhoea. I had a lot cramping which was sore and starting to bleed around 4 hours in. I camped out in the bathroom, ran a bath, took paracetamol and paced around.

I didn’t bleed that heavily - 4 days or so. But again that is individual. Some women are more for longer.

I slept on top of a towel in bed that night.

And that was it. I felt physically fine the next day. That’ hasn’t ever been the issue.

Like I say…..the mental health aspect was very different.xx

@cybershirls are you this cold and lacking in empathy I’m real life?

@cybershirls I'm afraid I don't believe that you have any regard for the well being of the OP. All you want us for her to continue with the pregnancy at any cost.

I missed what @cybershirls said. But I’m gonna guess it wasn’t nice.

That’s the thing with abortion. It has strong opinion attached to it. And I think that’s ok.

The pro choice and pro life communities both have valid opinions. I think I’m in both camps to be honest.

Don’t let any of it get you down though. Your choice is valid.x

Hello @Tangerinedreamx. I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I had an unplanned pregnancy twenty years ago. I was very conflicted about what to do. My partner said he would stand by me whatever I decided. We had only just moved in together and I had started a new job. Neither of us earned very much at that time and we had no family nearby. In the end I decided not to go on with the pregnancy. Where I live it is possible to have procedure with a full anaesthetic. I chose that. Afterwards I felt relief. But at the same time it knocked me sideways. After a phase of being ok I really felt quite sad about it. I had only told a few friends about it. I felt like I wasn't supposed to talk about being sad. I had some counselling and that really helped me accept what had happened. About 6 years later I had my first child. I found the first year with a baby very hard. Looking back even though i was sad that it had happened, I could see that my partner and I were not in the right situation to cope with responsibility and hard work of being a parent.

I had an abortion around 13 years ago, it just wasn't the right time for me. I haven't felt a moment's regret since. It's not something I cheer about obviously, but it is something that I'm very glad was open to me. I've since had 3 children, and if I think about I hard I can wonder what their older sibling would have been like, but equally they may not have been here at all had I gone through with it.

Obviously some do regret them, much as people regret all sorts of decisions. But many don't.

OP, you have my full sympathy. There really is no easy choice. And it's unfair that you're in this situation despite using contraception.

Setting aside the finances and the relationship and what your partner would prefer:

• would this be your first? Did you want to have kids before this? Is it a matter or knowing you want to be a mother eventually just not in these circumstances?
• how old are you? If you wanted kids later on would you have time to get to a more secure place in life to have them?
• how secure are you in the thought that your partner would be a decent coparent even if the relationship breaks down? Could you count on him to pay maintainance at least? Could you cope if he opted out of parenting at all? Is there any inkling in you that he might be toxic/narcissistic/controlling? Not saying that he sounds like it, just that the one circumstance in which I'll always advise abortion is when the baby would tie you to an abusive man and give him control over you.

All in all you sound terribly conflicted and I think it would be horrible for your mental health to go through with the pills tomorrow. You owe it to yourself to give it a little more thought. The abortion option will still be on the table in a few days/weeks.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it. @judgementalCactus yes this is my first pregnancy and yes I always wanted children which makes it more difficult knowing it is something I do want. I might collect the tablets tomorrow so I have them but put it off for a couple of days to see if I can gain some clarity. In regards to my partner I don't believe he's toxic or controlling. But no I couldn't cope if he opted out, I don't think I can cope even with him