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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

13 weeks + 3 children and on my own

69 replies

Torment654 · 03/09/2021 08:07

I am booked in for surgical termination next week and I feel like I’m doing this for everyone else rather than me or the kids.

Life would be different with a fourth (I have 2 different dads already, this pregnancy is with a different man) but I don’t think it will br catastrophically awful as those around me make out.

What would you do in my circumstances? I’m a retail worker, in secure council tenancy and kids dads all involved with existing children.

Please help me work out what to do : I’m desperate for advice from real people.

OP posts:

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 03/09/2021 08:11

Could you manage a 4th with potentially zero input from the father - in terms of time, support, money, not just as a baby but as a child - without it impacting negatively on your other 3 children? I think that's the question you need to be asking yourself rather than being concerned about different fathers.

SudokuZebra · 03/09/2021 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StCharlotte · 03/09/2021 08:12

I'm sorry to say (as I don't think it's what you want to hear) but I think you're doing the right thing. Not from a judgmental point of view I hasten to add but from a practical and financial point of view.

Take care

Original poster

Torment654 · 03/09/2021 08:35

ThatsNotMyReindeer - Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your time and effort. My other children are at school now and during the day times my focus would be solely on the baby. The evenings and weekends would be impacted greatly and I do acknowledge that my time split four ways is very different to three. I do think I can do it without it negatively impacting the three beautiful lives already, life is not easy as it stands but I am a very maternal person by nature and would never do bad by them. Money and support would be VERY stretched, I don’t believe I will receive further financial help from the government and my hours cannot be increased for at least 18months.

SudokuZebra - your message has made me cry, thank you for your kindness. My mental health : I am a very resilient person thankfully so although I cannot predict the future, I hope to stay intact for everyone (I have no choice!) I will definitely be in touch, thank you.
StCharlotte - your honesty is what I need, thank you so very much.

What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:

Original poster

Torment654 · 03/09/2021 08:53

What a disaster

OP posts:

SweepTheHalls · 03/09/2021 08:55

Honestly I think you are doing the right thing. 4 children are incredibly expensive on your own.

Plumtree391 · 03/09/2021 08:57

I would not have a fourth and would make sure as far as possible, not to become pregnant again. Three children is quite enough for most people, especially for a single parent.

Of course it is entirely up to you but you did ask what any of us would do in the same circumstances.

Please try and think with your head, not your heart.

Good luck.

Original poster

Torment654 · 03/09/2021 09:10

Yes : head not heart.
What is making it hard is that I am so far gone, I feel disgusting to do this to a living thing because of finances.

OP posts:

Fluffypinkt · 03/09/2021 09:22

@Torment654
I can’t offer any advice on how you’re feeling but, I had a surgical termination on Monday at 12+3 days, I 100% believe I did the right thing. I couldn’t afford another child financially and mentally. I already have one DD (10) she’s fairly independent and my nappy changing days are well over. I hope you are ok. If you want to DM me to chat you’re more than welcome too x

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 03/09/2021 09:25

@Torment654

Yes : head not heart. What is making it hard is that I am so far gone, I feel disgusting to do this to a living thing because of finances.

But you have three other children who have to be your priority. My sister has 4 and I have no idea how she affords them all, she doesn't work and their dads pay a very small amount of maintenance. We have one and couldn't afford a second, although ours is disabled so everything comes at greater expense - I guess that's something else to potentially consider as a worst case scenario (financially and time wise, not the disability itself)

Plumtree391 · 03/09/2021 10:48

@Torment654

Yes : head not heart. What is making it hard is that I am so far gone, I feel disgusting to do this to a living thing because of finances.

You've made the right decision in my opinion, Torment. However I am sorry you're in this position.

It will soon be over.

Plumtree391 · 03/09/2021 10:50

PS: Thirteen weeks is not very far gone, honestly.

Original poster

Torment654 · 03/09/2021 15:23

Gosh it feels like it, I take on board what you say completely though

OP posts:

Serenschintte · 03/09/2021 15:38

@Torment654 it sounds like you want to have this baby. I can send you some organizations who can help with supplies/clothes other things. If you want that send me a PM.
You sound like a brave and strong woman. I wish you well.

SudokuZebra · 03/09/2021 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoT1904 · 04/09/2021 16:25

You say the termination is for everyone else apart from you and your children - so who is it for?? Don't do this for anyone else apart from you and your children!

If you think you would rather have less money but have a baby. And you think that you could cope. Bloody go for it! No it won't be easy, but when is it really??

There is no right or wrong decision here. Only a decision. How will you feel after a termination do you think?

I'm sending so much love xd

Peeceandquite · 04/09/2021 16:39

I would absolutely have a termination in your situation, but that's me.

It honestly sounds like you want the baby and if you feel you can cope then I would go ahead with the pregnancy. You have to live with either decision for the rest of your life.

For what it's worth I nearly always follow my heart

roolz · 04/09/2021 16:45

Another one having to say yes, I'd terminate if I was in your situation. Four kids by yourself and tied to 3 dads is a lot to manage. No judgement from me, I have 2, 2 dads but I think it is just a lot going on there

It's very hard though. Would you feel like you'd just end up getting pregnant again after a termination? If you know you'd regret it, then go ahead with the pregnancy

Also, it may well be manageable for you depending on your finances, where you live and space, if you have age gaps between your kids

Daisy1245 · 04/09/2021 16:45

Don't terminate for anyonelse except if it's what you want. I stupidly took a friend's advice this year and not a moment goes by I don't in part think did she advice that through friendship or jealousy. Please do what you want to do. It's your life. My decision makes sense. A termination might make sense. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Go with your heart op as if you go with sense it's hard to justify it daily on a big decision. It's you who has to love with the decision noone else

Daisy1245 · 04/09/2021 16:47

What I mean is your head will have to justify it to your heart daily. If you go with your heart I think it's easier for that to overrule your head daily.

Plumtree391 · 04/09/2021 16:48

This is the sort of decision about which nobody can really advise. The person has to make their own mind up and there are likely to be misgivings whatever is decided.

I wish you all the best, Torment.

Bobmonkfish · 04/09/2021 16:58

I think you should do what YOU want to do. It sounds like you don't want an abortion but have been persuaded to because of practical reasons. I think you should give yourself permission to have the baby IF that's what you want and permission to abort if that's what you want. You are not disgusting.

Original poster

Torment654 · 07/09/2021 20:32

Hello
How is anyone tonight? I am worried and tired, the heat doesn’t help

OP posts:

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 07/09/2021 20:37

How are you doing OP....? Have you had any more thoughts on the pregnancy?

Original poster

Torment654 · 07/09/2021 21:06

I do believe I will regret the termination…. those around me tell me it’s what’s best as the child has not been asked to be brought into this world….I understand that. The children will suffer…. But we could be happy.
Not long until I have to take the meds to soften the cervix.
How are you?

OP posts:

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