Wanting a baby dilemma (pregnancy fear)

[ZZGirl]

For background, I'm 31, DH is nearly 31, been together for 15.5 years.
For the last year or so, we hadn't actively been trying to get pregnant, more seeing what happened but as the world started to open up, we decided to wait. It turned out I was already pregnant. DH was very supportive but I knew he'd prefer to have waited a bit longer (mostly his fear I think, not a lot of experience with babies)

I had a whirlwind of a two weeks thinking it was what I wanted and I had an absolute meltdown and ended up terminating in March.

I guess what I'm wanting to let out is I always thought I wanted to be a Mum. I think I do. I love kids, I'm good with kids, I can imagine myself with a child. We said after the termination that we'd see how we felt in 2022 about having a baby. I've been around babies a lot recently, lots of pregnant friends/colleagues so naturally I've been thinking a lot and been wondering.

I just don't know how I feel. I was so scared when I was pregnant. I felt so sick all the time and everything about pregnancy scared me.

I don't even really know what I'm asking. I guess I needed to vent. Have you been afraid of pregnancy? How do you deal with it? Am I ever going to really know if its something I want?

Hi @SudokuZebra, thankyou for sharing your story with me, I know these things are hard.
I don't regret my termination in the slightest. I sometimes have weird feelings like when I knew I'd have been 20 weeks and I know I'll probably feel a bit weird on 4th November which would have been my due date but they're definitely not feelings of regret.

I just wish I knew somehow for certain that having a child is the right thing for us. My DH doesn't mind either way, he's of the mindset that he believes no man is ever really ready until it happens.

We have a good life, we're happy, life is harmonious, what if a child changes that? We always said if we have a child, we'll only have one.

I like the idea of being a Mum, I hate the idea of being pregnant again. But I don't want to adopt or anything like that. I'd want a mini me/him. Nappies don't phase me, huge phobia of vomit though.

So many pros and cons :(
What if I decide no and then regret it?

OP, I was terrified up to and including the day I went in for my (elective) caesarian, and even told my DH on the drive into hospital that at least most people who are scared of birth get a baby as a reward at the end of it, but for me that's just further punishment. DD came out, I clung to her for hours and I've never regretted a minute of being her mother since. I'm even pregnant again (this one planned ... by me!). DH always wanted kids, but knew I didn't (bad tokophobia plus general dislike of babies) and never put any pressure on me. My first pregnancy was an accident, and both DH and the booking in midwife asked if my plan was to terminate, such was my distress. I wanted to, but I just couldn't quite bring myself to for DH's sake (though I know he'd never have held it against me). I'm so glad I kept soldiering on - first trimester is VILE and I was bed ridden. I think anxiety makes morning sickness 10 x worse. I had antenatal depression. My trust were excellent qt getting me the help I needed and an early booking for an ELCS, which I desperately wanted to regain some control. If you want to get through a pregnancy, I would advise speaking to your GP to get some mental health help. I don't think the fears and anxieties are that unusual, but you can easily fall through the gaps when there is help out there.

Vomit is hopefully a rare thing! And for the first few months is basically as if you mixed yogurt with water. Baby's poo and vomit are NOTHING like an adult's besides that you're sooooo worried you don't really care

What scares you so much about pregnancy? You didn't even know you were pregnant! So I'm going to assume you didn't have morning sickness which is most women's biggest worry. Birth is painful but there are drugs ;) and elective csection if you really want.

Also I was really shy and not great with kids but it certainly is different when it's your kid. You know how to talk to them

You need to really think about your life. It's perfectly fine if you don't have kids but you seem so undecided.... that may lead to regrets later on. You need to think maybe about your relationship with your DP as well.

Good luck!

The tiredness I actually didn't mind, I slept brilliantly and I've managed to keep the great sleeping ever since! The nausea was a definite issue for me, I was never sick but I felt sick constantly so I was eating constantly. Even at work, I work in a school and was having to eat through classes to function. I think I'm afraid of feeling like that again.

I'm a bit afraid of childbirth too, the fact that at the end of it there's a tiny human that depends on me. I realise having a baby can be an amazing thing for a couple, but what if it ruined us? I actually think DH would be amazing, he treats our pet like a baby lol he just doesn't have much experience with kids.

Maybe some kind of counselling is a good idea, I'll look into it.

And don't worry, I don't think you were implying that I regret anything.
And thankyou so much for even replying to my thread, I thought nobody would.

@grey12

Vomit is hopefully a rare thing! And for the first few months is basically as if you mixed yogurt with water. Baby's poo and vomit are NOTHING like an adult's besides that you're sooooo worried you don't really care

What scares you so much about pregnancy? You didn't even know you were pregnant! So I'm going to assume you didn't have morning sickness which is most women's biggest worry. Birth is painful but there are drugs ;) and elective csection if you really want.

Also I was really shy and not great with kids but it certainly is different when it's your kid. You know how to talk to them

You need to really think about your life. It's perfectly fine if you don't have kids but you seem so undecided.... that may lead to regrets later on. You need to think maybe about your relationship with your DP as well.

Good luck!

I know! Totally irrational, by the time I found out I was pregnant, I was already 4 weeks! It was like once I knew, all the symptoms came.

The day I found out, I was totally cool about it, we were talking about what needed to be done with the house etc... What I would do about telling work etc...

Then the next night I had a total emotional meltdown and insisted it wasn't what I wanted, that I couldn't do it. I remember that half an hour so clearly. Like I'd never cried so hard in my life. There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and DH just left me to my thoughts like I needed until I made my decision.

My concern is that I'd regret it.
We do joke that he deals with vomit, I deal with poop!

Thankyou @FluffMagnet.
I did wonder if antenatal depression was something that I was on the verge of suffering through my fears a little bit. If you see my post above, you'll read about my meltdown!

I wish I knew deep down what was holding me back.
I'd be a good Mum and right now I'm avoiding baby conversations because I don't want to have to say "I don't know if I'm having one"

Hi @ZZGirl,

I fully sympathise with you. I had a termination in March for similar reasons to you. I had wanted to be pregnant but when I was I flipped out big-time! My anxieties when through the roof and mood down. I can’t quite believe I terminated. It blows my mind some days. It felt right and the time but now
I wish I’d continued.

I’m now in this paralysing ambivalence about what to do next. I want to be a mum but the pregnancy so freaks me out incase the same thing happens again. I’m so worried about the impact of a baby on marriage too.

It certainly seems to be that the hatred of being pregnant isn’t talked about. It’s all post natal. Prenatal is just as important.

I hope you are alright. This is such a terrible dilemema.xx

I feel like we're nearly living each others lives, @ED81

Sorry for the delay, I've been out all evening.
I'm really appreciative of everyone who's taken the time to reply to me today, it's a comfort to know that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling especially as I'm just not ready to find a way to vocalise it to DH yet. I know that I can, he's very understanding, I'm just not there yet.

I am going to look into talking my thoughts through with someone, maybe Marie Stopes as they handled my termination or someone similar given my worries about the future.

@ZZGirl. I’d definitely recommend counselling. Even away from the abortion provider. I speak with a generic counsellor weekly (privately) and have been open and honest with her. I think it’s helping.

The question you pose is very rarely about the here and now and perhaps more from your past? My counsellor is making connections all the way back to my childhood. And it all makes sense!xx

Gosh, I didn't realise how expensive counselling is!

That's a good point! I did tell someone at work and they mentioned help that was available! Thankyou!

@SudokuZebra

Were you able to find out wether your workplace has an EAP *@zzgirl* ?

I'm on holidays so not there! But I'll look into it when I go back.

@ZZGirl.
I thought I’d replied earlier but my post isn’t here. Silly me!
Counselling is a lot of £ but I have definitely
made it a priority in my life. It’s helped.

I realise not everyone can make it a priority though.

This is so very difficult. Thinking of you.xx

Subject of babies came up a few days ago. Mostly that it's not really been on DH's mind because we agreed that we'd discuss again next year and doesn't really know how he feels. (His mind is very sort of "this is when we said we'd talk so that's when his mind will go back to it" he's hard to describe)

We have agreed next time his family bring up babies because of their occasional digs, he will say that we'll have a baby when we're good and ready and would appreciate it if they stopped bringing it up.