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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Should I tell my ( fairly prolife ) adult children that I've had 2 terminations?

63 replies

Ashleys63 · 17/07/2021 08:38

Firstly, I hope I have put my thread in the correct section.

I am a woman fast approaching 60 starting to look back on life assessing all the good and bad, ups and downs etc, and for the most part I've had a happy good life .( I know 60 isn't old btw and I could live another 40 years, but my 'young' life is over and two of my children have children of their own )

This is my worry.

At age 20 I terminated a pregnancy that I wasn't ready for.
Four years later I married and had three children within 5 years.
It was extremely hard work, very little money, over crowded house, but we worked hard and eventually things got a little easier and we moved into a bigger house and started to have a little bit of money to spare. All good.

Then at age 37 ( just a year after things were getting easier ) I had another accidental pregnancy which I terminated. I just didn't want to go back to struggling for money, not enough space etc, plus my marriage wasn't brilliant at that time. and quite frankly, I felt exhausted.

So here I am now at age 58 with grown up children, two of whom have children of their own, and from a few conversations we've had over the last few years they seem pretty anti-abortion.
I don't know what to do as I feel I'm not the mother they think I am.
I'm sure they'd be shocked beyond belief if they knew I'd terminated two pregnancies, as they think I'm some sort of 'mother earth' who's never made a mistake. Maybe I want them to know the real me. the me that made mistakes.
I'm just a bit unsettled about it all at the moment and could really do with some wise words.

OP posts:
rosesarered321 · 17/07/2021 08:42

I really wouldn't share that with your children, I don't think it would be of any benefit to them.
If you need to talk about it, then some sort of talking therapy would be much better.

SoddingWeddings · 17/07/2021 08:42

Christ no, this is none of their business. Terminations are a medical procedure, you don't need judgement from a couple of kids who are anti-abortion when it's hot nothing to do with them.

I had one in my 20s, I've never forgiven myself for any part of the situation I found myself in. Not a chance I'd open myself up to anti-abortionists to beat me up all over again.

DinosaurDiana · 17/07/2021 08:43

No, I wouldn’t tell them. Thats your private medical information .

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 17/07/2021 08:43

It's absolutely none of their business.

Bluntness100 · 17/07/2021 08:44

No of course not. Why would you even consider that.

orangejuicer · 17/07/2021 08:44

I'm not sure what value they will get out of the information. They obviously know you, I don't think they need this as well.

whistlers · 17/07/2021 08:44

Fuck no. Why?

HorriderHenry · 17/07/2021 08:46

No.

Even if not anti abortion, it can be difficult news to hear about your mother. In your circumstances there’s nothing that’s going to improve about passing on the information.

0blio · 17/07/2021 08:46

There are some things I did when I was young that would shock and upset my adult children. Those things are in my past and that's where they will be staying.

You sound as though you need to share your history with someone but perhaps your children aren't the right people.

BoneIdleBitch · 17/07/2021 08:46

Absolutely not. None of their business. And of course you are the mother they think you are Flowers

MoreAloneTime · 17/07/2021 08:47

Do you honestly think it would do any good?

Moancup · 17/07/2021 08:47

If you are inclined to tell them then I would.

People with strong views rarely push them unadulterated when they see the human face behind their opposition. If you are comfortable talking about your experiences then I think it would be healthy for them to understand the complexity and range of what it means to be a woman. Discovering more about your parents is also one of the upsides of adulthood, in my view.

I had an abortion in my early 20s. No regrets. My parents don’t know but otherwise I will discuss it with people if it feels right to (which is rare I must say). If I have children I can’t imagine not telling them one day.

Jenjenn · 17/07/2021 08:49

No. Why would you want to tell them? This knowledge would not benefit them in any way. Are you hoping for their approval and validation? It sounds like you would be unlikely to get this. Try to make peace with it yourself.

tootingbeclido · 17/07/2021 08:50

personally I would not tell them.

HasaDigaEebowai · 17/07/2021 08:52

Why on earth would even consider it?

reprehensibleme · 17/07/2021 08:53

Absolutely not - it has nothing to do with them. And how are you not the mother they think you are? They've known you their whole lives - they know who you are.

Please stop being dramatic - it won't help anyone - your own children could have had abortions and not told you. It's a very personal matter , please don't go offloading onto your children.

PurpleDaisies · 17/07/2021 08:53

I would find a counsellor to unload on and not dump this on your children. I’m not sure how you think it will do them (or you) any good.

NakedAttraction · 17/07/2021 08:54

Absolutely no good will come from telling them.

Noterook · 17/07/2021 08:55

No, there's no need and it adds an additional emotional burden to them which isn't fair and it won't achieve anything. The mother they think you are is the one you have been to them the past x years, you are not defined by decisions you made that were right for you at the time.

newmumwithquestions · 17/07/2021 08:56

No. I had an abortion over 15 years before having my children. The only time I might, and only might tell them is if they have to go through the same. I hope they never do. I would never tell them otherwise as I don’t want them to think about how things would be if they had an older sibling. This is my history, not theirs.

You do not need acceptance from your children. You made your own decisions at the time and have lived with them. It’s fine to challenge their views on abortion as they sound pretty closed minded on the subject but I would not make this personal.

You don’t need their acceptance or approval and please be kind to yourself on any past decisions you made.

Figgygal · 17/07/2021 08:56

No they don’t need to know your own private business for you to challenge them if their version of pro choice is anti options

Hothammock · 17/07/2021 08:59

If termination has been used as a birth control option then I don't know why you would tell them any more than you would initiate telling them any other stories of what kinds of birth control you used over the years. It would be a pretty strange thing to bring up with your adult children. It sounds to me as If there is something else about the terminations that is troubling you and you would be best speaking to a professional about that rather than speaking to your children. X

Teenagers2grownups0 · 17/07/2021 08:59

@HorriderHenry

No.

Even if not anti abortion, it can be difficult news to hear about your mother. In your circumstances there’s nothing that’s going to improve about passing on the information.

I completely agree with this. If you need to talk about it find another avenue.
Nuggetnugget · 17/07/2021 09:00

No I would not tell them but if you wanted you could tell them you are pro choice and everyone has a story / reasons.
Buy they don't need to know your history at all.

Erictheavocado · 17/07/2021 09:03

I don't think you should tell them and don't understand why you would even consider it.