Hello,
I don’t know who needs to read this today but if you’re thinking of having an abortion, please please please do not consider it lightly.
Last week I had an abortion. I am 41 years old and I was expecting my ex boyfriends baby.
We’d broken up 16 months previously, just before lockdown.
We own a home together and due to circumstances we ended up locking down together and continued to sleep with each other.
I was on the pill but that was the only protection we were using, we’d never relied on anything else apart from the pill throughout our relationship.
We would continue to sleep with each other on my weeks off as my withdrawal bleeding was never that heavy and we worked around it.
In mid March 2021 I didn’t feel right.
I was constipated around the time of my withdrawal bleed, usually it goes the other way at this time of the month.
I thought it was odd but thought perhaps my diet was off.
Then I went off my food. Nothing tasted right and I was getting full very quickly, not like me.
I even thought I might have COVID and suggested to my ex that we get tested.
The next day, I went to work and he went to work to, he has now gone back to work and works away from home.
I didn’t get chance to do COVID test that day. I was in Boots in the evening buying some toiletries when all of a sudden it crossed my mind that I could be pregnant.
I put a test in my basket and tested as soon as I got home - I was 3+ weeks pregnant according to the digital result.
I messaged my ex and he phoned me.
He was very calm and said he would support me. It was such a relief.
However, what I didn’t realise was that he meant he would support me through a termination of the pregnancy.
I had already contacted an abortion clinic as a knee jerk reaction or safety net just incase I need to end the pregnancy but my heart knew I didn’t want an abortion.
We had an appointment at the clinic in Luton on Good Friday.
As we got closer to the clinic, I came to my senses and by the time we had arrived I had decided I couldn’t go through with it.
I told my ex that I couldn’t go in and that we needed to talk about this as we hadn’t allowed ourselves to do that.
He agreed. I cancelled my agreement and booked again for Easter Monday incase we needed to attend once we had talked.
We came home and talked.
My ex was adamant that the baby would not be loved (by him) and that he would have nothing to do with it. He explained that since I had told him, he’d been thinking about ending it all. He was very upset and quite inconsolable.
I was so concerned by this that I agreed to have an abortion to take those thoughts away from him. I know how scary it is to have those thoughts and I didn’t want him to feel that way. I wanted to make things right, for him and I didn’t consider myself or the baby. 😞
We went to the appointment and I was scanned. I was dated at 5 weeks 2 days.
I was given medication to take at home.
The first pill would end the pregnancy, then 48 hours later I would insert 4 more pills into my vagina to miscarry and 4 hours after that, insert another 2 to continue bleeding.
We would need a long weekend to complete the process.
We decided to do it the following weekend.
However, the next day, morning sickness kicked in for me and by Friday I was feeling very nauseated all day long. I couldn’t swallow the pill for fear of bringing it back up.
I decided I would take the following Thursday and Friday off work to do this when I wouldn’t need to go into work after the first pill.
My ex was supportive of this and took annual leave as well.
He came home on the Wednesday evening and I knew that if we were going to do this, I would have to take the pill that evening whilst there was a gap from feeling sick.
I had put so much emphasis on taking the pill whilst I had the chance, that I had regretfully seen passed what I was actually doing and what would happen next.
Without thinking, I gulped back the pill at 7 pm and for 30 seconds I felt a relief, a relief that I had taken the pill. It wasn’t a relief that I’d started to end the pregnancy.
After about 20 minutes I’d started feeling sick again, and had to try very hard to keep the pill down. We went out for a drive to take my mind off of things but the waves of nausea were frequent.
I managed to sleep but woke up feeling sick the next day and by 4 pm I couldn’t hold back any longer. I was very sick.
On the Friday, 36 hours later, I was to insert the 4 pills that would make me miscarry.
I got up for a shower and was sick again. I was tired, shaky and in shock.
I looked down and I’d started to bleed already.
I had to insert the pills before the bleeding got heavier.
I inserted them and laid on the bed until I was ready to get up.
I still felt very sick.
Within 2 hours I started to bleed very heavily and had an extremely upset tummy.
This continued up until 1 pm Friday when I had to insert 2 more. I felt sick all over again and the bleeding got heavier.
At this point all I was thinking was I just wanted it to be over.
My ex stayed with me Saturday apart from when he popped out to get his haircut.
On Sunday he went out for the day and i was left alone to realise the enormity of what had happened. It hit me hard.
I was just stood there in the living room, coat on, bag in hand but I felt empty and didn’t know what to do.
The regret is more than I can bear.
I went back to work the next day and my ex went back to working away all week.
I had several accidents, one at work, because the pads couldn’t contain everything and it was very upsetting.
I know now that I didn’t want to end the pregnancy, I wanted to end the anguish my ex was in and i didn’t know how I would cope alone with a baby. I was scared and that isn’t a good enough reason to do what I did.
My hormones were all over the place, I was sick and I was tired and now that I have clarity, I know what a huge mistake I have made.
Please please please, if you are thinking about abortion and you don’t know what to do, really think about what you want.
Abortion is final, you cannot take it back.
Sending lots of love to you. ❤️