Abortion Regret

[Tomorrowsabetterday]

Hello,

I don’t know who needs to read this today but if you’re thinking of having an abortion, please please please do not consider it lightly.

Last week I had an abortion. I am 41 years old and I was expecting my ex boyfriends baby.

We’d broken up 16 months previously, just before lockdown.
We own a home together and due to circumstances we ended up locking down together and continued to sleep with each other.

I was on the pill but that was the only protection we were using, we’d never relied on anything else apart from the pill throughout our relationship.

We would continue to sleep with each other on my weeks off as my withdrawal bleeding was never that heavy and we worked around it.

In mid March 2021 I didn’t feel right.
I was constipated around the time of my withdrawal bleed, usually it goes the other way at this time of the month.
I thought it was odd but thought perhaps my diet was off.

Then I went off my food. Nothing tasted right and I was getting full very quickly, not like me.
I even thought I might have COVID and suggested to my ex that we get tested.

The next day, I went to work and he went to work to, he has now gone back to work and works away from home.

I didn’t get chance to do COVID test that day. I was in Boots in the evening buying some toiletries when all of a sudden it crossed my mind that I could be pregnant.

I put a test in my basket and tested as soon as I got home - I was 3+ weeks pregnant according to the digital result.

I messaged my ex and he phoned me.
He was very calm and said he would support me. It was such a relief.

However, what I didn’t realise was that he meant he would support me through a termination of the pregnancy.

I had already contacted an abortion clinic as a knee jerk reaction or safety net just incase I need to end the pregnancy but my heart knew I didn’t want an abortion.

We had an appointment at the clinic in Luton on Good Friday.
As we got closer to the clinic, I came to my senses and by the time we had arrived I had decided I couldn’t go through with it.

I told my ex that I couldn’t go in and that we needed to talk about this as we hadn’t allowed ourselves to do that.

He agreed. I cancelled my agreement and booked again for Easter Monday incase we needed to attend once we had talked.

We came home and talked.
My ex was adamant that the baby would not be loved (by him) and that he would have nothing to do with it. He explained that since I had told him, he’d been thinking about ending it all. He was very upset and quite inconsolable.

I was so concerned by this that I agreed to have an abortion to take those thoughts away from him. I know how scary it is to have those thoughts and I didn’t want him to feel that way. I wanted to make things right, for him and I didn’t consider myself or the baby. 😞

We went to the appointment and I was scanned. I was dated at 5 weeks 2 days.
I was given medication to take at home.

The first pill would end the pregnancy, then 48 hours later I would insert 4 more pills into my vagina to miscarry and 4 hours after that, insert another 2 to continue bleeding.
We would need a long weekend to complete the process.
We decided to do it the following weekend.

However, the next day, morning sickness kicked in for me and by Friday I was feeling very nauseated all day long. I couldn’t swallow the pill for fear of bringing it back up.

I decided I would take the following Thursday and Friday off work to do this when I wouldn’t need to go into work after the first pill.

My ex was supportive of this and took annual leave as well.

He came home on the Wednesday evening and I knew that if we were going to do this, I would have to take the pill that evening whilst there was a gap from feeling sick.

I had put so much emphasis on taking the pill whilst I had the chance, that I had regretfully seen passed what I was actually doing and what would happen next.

Without thinking, I gulped back the pill at 7 pm and for 30 seconds I felt a relief, a relief that I had taken the pill. It wasn’t a relief that I’d started to end the pregnancy.

After about 20 minutes I’d started feeling sick again, and had to try very hard to keep the pill down. We went out for a drive to take my mind off of things but the waves of nausea were frequent.

I managed to sleep but woke up feeling sick the next day and by 4 pm I couldn’t hold back any longer. I was very sick.

On the Friday, 36 hours later, I was to insert the 4 pills that would make me miscarry.

I got up for a shower and was sick again. I was tired, shaky and in shock.

I looked down and I’d started to bleed already.

I had to insert the pills before the bleeding got heavier.

I inserted them and laid on the bed until I was ready to get up.

I still felt very sick.

Within 2 hours I started to bleed very heavily and had an extremely upset tummy.

This continued up until 1 pm Friday when I had to insert 2 more. I felt sick all over again and the bleeding got heavier.

At this point all I was thinking was I just wanted it to be over.

My ex stayed with me Saturday apart from when he popped out to get his haircut.

On Sunday he went out for the day and i was left alone to realise the enormity of what had happened. It hit me hard.
I was just stood there in the living room, coat on, bag in hand but I felt empty and didn’t know what to do.
The regret is more than I can bear.
I went back to work the next day and my ex went back to working away all week.

I had several accidents, one at work, because the pads couldn’t contain everything and it was very upsetting.

I know now that I didn’t want to end the pregnancy, I wanted to end the anguish my ex was in and i didn’t know how I would cope alone with a baby. I was scared and that isn’t a good enough reason to do what I did.
My hormones were all over the place, I was sick and I was tired and now that I have clarity, I know what a huge mistake I have made.

Please please please, if you are thinking about abortion and you don’t know what to do, really think about what you want.

Abortion is final, you cannot take it back.

Sending lots of love to you. ❤️

The gp practice messed up - it’ happens unfortunately. But 20 mg is the usual type of dose for fluoxetine. They come in capsules too so you can’t half them.

I think the bigger issue this evening is the way your boyfriend spoke to you. That is grim thing to say and in my option (for what it is worth) is completely out of order.

This isn’t your fault.

@Zebra13

Ok, enough is enough.

I have tried to be patient with you and give you the benefit of the doubt but are you on a wind up?

You are blaming the doctors, who incidentally are trying to help you, for not getting you the medication, you don’t want to take, because you want to punish yourself, that you now want to take anyway, but your boyfriend has thrown your last strip away, mistaking it for rubbish????!!!!

Oh and to add insult to injury, he is professing that it is your fault you are in these anti depressants because you chose to have an abortion which, of course, adds fuel to your existing fire of punishing yourself?????!!!!

Seriously????!!!
I hope reading this back to yourself makes you see how bloody toxic your situation is - if, that is, this really is the situation you are in and you’re not just here trying to makes mugs of us all????

It doesn’t matter what advice anyone gives you in here, you revert to ‘wanting to punish yourself’ followed by several further inflated posts about your ex, taking your phone, taking your keys, throwing away your pills, telling you it’s your fault for having the abortion…

To me, it sounds like you know what you’re saying, you know what will get a rise from people and you post it to keep this thread going. Either that or you really are blind to the abusive relationship you are in?

You sound intelligent so I just don’t buy into these snippets of your life, unless you are that brain washed now that you actually cannot see how ridiculous this is?

I’ve been through some unpleasant experiences in my life and unless you are absolutely stupid, you would see what was going on here.

I’m actually thinking of ending this thread because this isn’t healthy.

Unfortunately @Tomorrowsabetterday. I agree with you.

@Zebra13

It’s ok not to be in a relationship. You understand that don’t you?

No relationship is better than bring in a very unhealthy relationship.

I’m sorry for you and I really do hope that this is not your situation, because if it really is, you really do need to think about it getting out of it - now.

As for the medication, if this really is your situation, see that you need to keep taking it, understand that the doctors can only do what they can do and further understand that it is not their fault if you are choose to live with someone, who by the sounds of it, wants to punish you as much as you want to be punished.

With the greatest respect, I and others on this thread, have given you as much support as they can.

It’s up to you now to take from it what you want or not. Either way, this has to stop.

@ED81
It’s a shame isn’t it but I think this thread has run its course. xxx

@Tomorrowsabetterday. Please do as you see fit with the thread (if that is something you have control over?) We don’t want it to become something that is counterproductive.

@Zebra13. Please don’t be offended. Your best interest is at heart.x

@Zebra13. I’m glad you have found our supportive helpful.xx

@Zebra13
That was a very positive post.

Please be assured that you have not irritated me, I can’t speak for @ED81 but I think she would agree with that.

I get frustrated when I read your posts but only because I care.

I’m sorry that I started to feel your stories were becoming unbelievable, that was wrong of me to make that call.

You really are going through a terrible time and fair play to you if you’ve been using this space as a diary - I shouldn’t have let my frustration get in the way of your feelings.

As I say, you sound extremely intelligent, I’m sure, or at least, I hope you will get there, eventually. It might be a slow journey for you but try to keep as well as possible.

Have a good day xx

Oh @Zebra13
You really are giving yourself a hard time and I think you need to ease off on yourself.

The doctors will not need you to apologise to them for anything, they will understand, from your behaviour, that you need their help.
They won’t be cross with you or whatever you think they will be. On the contrary they will be noting this and working out the best treatment for you.
Think about it, would you apologise to the doctor if you presented with any other illness? No of course not.

Ok, you didn’t tell the truth when needing contraceptive pills, but this will help them make the right judgement on how to treat you going forward.

You have a lot going on and reaching out to the doctor, however you have gone a out it, is a good call.

Hopefully you will find that people are more sympathetic and understanding than you realise.

Be good to yourself. xx

You are so very hard on yourself. There is no going back and undoing this so you must try and move forward. It’s the only option. Either that or you stay in this vicious cycle you are caught up in.

Take time & be kind to yourself and be like how you’d speak to a close friend. I know its cliche, and I’ve hated this saying previously…..but time is a healer.

The Gp thing is not relevant. They hear so many stories every day so you not being completely open is not a huge issue. My GP doesn’t even knows out the abortion I had and I was very specific about that with my abortion provider that I didn’t wish contact to be made. No follow up letter etc going to them. This was honoured. Literately the only people that know are my husband, you guys, my counsellor and the provider.

I went to work. I continued with my life. Although my mood was low and anxiety high it was the only way for me to cope.

Each person is different and you must do what is correct for you.xx

Moving on I suppose means the things you describe - and enjoying them.

I am torn about trying again. I go from yes to no to absolutely not. My husband is happy to do whatever I wish. But I need to be mindful I know he would prefer the life we lead now.

I’m stuck. Almost paralysed by it. But it is what it is.

Mother Nature will close the door soon.

I've read most of this thread, and I suppose I wanted to come on here and share my experience. I don't know if it will help anyone , but I wish I'd seen something like this thread before I had my first termination.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly (I have PCOS and so, whilst a bit slack with the pill, I had good reason to believe it wasn't an issue). Neither my then partner (now DH) nor I wanted a child (he had a messy divorce and a child with significant SEN) so I booked a termination and it was very easy. Easy to access, easy to sort out, just take some pills and it's all over.

Although I also experienced the extreme bleeding, as some of you on here did, and it took about two months to get the negative test, I went through BPAS but went in to A and E with the bleeding and had scans through their early pregnancy unit, the bleeding was because after the pregnancy passed the rest of the tissue didn't. I never got an infection and it did eventually resolve naturally. I hated being pregnant, I was so sick, a feeling of sickness I'd never experienced before and it just sucked the life out of me. Immediately after the termination I felt normal again.

And I knew it was the right decision, but it made me think about having a baby, and we decided to try. Turns out actually I had no trouble falling pregnant and did so almost a year after the termination and instantly I regretted it. I felt so sick and so awful, it was like a fog took over me and I hated every second of it and it was as so easy to book the first termination so I did the second one too. And immediately afterwards I felt normal again, and within a week I felt like so many on here did. Again I had the excessive bleeding, almost a repeat of the first experience but I knew what to expect this time. I was absolutely not prepared for the emotional fallout of it and the feeling of overwhelming regret. Looking back; I think I had pre natal depression actually. And the sickness, it's unlike anything I've ever felt before.

I never had counselling. I just lived with it, I kept plodding on until it didn't hurt quite so much. And my husband was so supportive - so kind. I don't know how we decided to eventually try again, two years later. But We did and I fell pregnant, and again I felt awful. Almost immediately- I was so sick and so low and I wanted to throw myself down the stairs, because I knew I couldn't go through another termination but also I knew I was so unhappy. And my husband picked me up and dragged me through that first trimester, literally dragged me, until I got to the second and the sadness wore off.

And I do have a wonderful daughter, but I was terrified throughout pregnancy that I would lose her or there would be something wrong to punish me; to this day I'm terrified about something happening to her because of what I did. I'll never forgive myself for it, but for all of you I do live with it, it isn't all encompassing (the guilt) and over time I can accept that I made the decision I did and I can't change it.

@Zebra13 I'm telling you this specifically because trying again will not bring you closure or peace until you have dealt with how you feel about your choice. It took me two years and I was no where near ready really, I had to be completely honest with my midwife about my past and cried at my booking in app and I was lucky as she was just the loveliest loveliest woman.

And I'm telling you about my husband because he is how a man behaves when he loves a woman and wants to have a child with her. Not once has he ever blamed me, he has tried to assuage that guilt I carry so many times and take it on himself, he dragged me through that pregnancy with kindness and love because he understood what I was going through and how I felt.

He didn't hide my stuff or demand sex or make me cook for him, he's a rubbish cook but he did his absolute best to make (order) me all the things he thought I would like to tempt me to eat. Your partner does not sound immature, he sounds like a man you cannot rely on to pick you up from the bathroom floor when you vomit so hard you cover yourself in it, and clean you up and tell you he loves you and he's proud of you. Do not have a baby with a man that won't do that.

On a side note, it sounds like BPAS service is not what it used to be. Whilst I didn't find the counselling helpful at all, they did STD checks and insisted I leave with contraception at both appointments - i wonder why they don't do that anymore.

And FWIW, despite feeling like it was too easy really for me to get a termination, I am so strongly pro choice. I do not believe terminations should be one tiny bit harder to access than they currently are, despite feeling that I would have made different choices had they not been so accessible.

I wish you all peace, it's a rocky journey, it feels like plodding through grey grey fog sometimes, just putting one foot in front of the other, but eventually you get somewhere where you can live with it, it doesn't encompass you, it's part of your past but it doesn't define you. Sometimes the sadness blindsides you, but you just feel it and then move on until the next time.