Is it worth it? Honestly....

[Whatisbest]

Perhaps a bit of an odd question.

Are babies/children really worth it?
I’m really struggling with this debate. I’m 40 and childfree. Happily married.

I’m so concerned we’ll regret not doing it. It actually consumes me most days. My DH isn’t keen but would if I wanted to.

Our life is great. And I don’t want that to change. But there is the baby debate hanging over me...,.

Only have a baby if you’re 100% absolutely sure you want one.

I didn’t want kids, but decided when I hit 30 it was probably something we should do... I adore my two boys and wouldn’t choose life without them; but it is hard work, and I’m knackered, I’m limited in my career, fucked financially.

I love having my boys but I do miss my old life. I’d say it was absolutely worth it, but I’ve had to completely readjust myself as a person to be the mum I wanted to be to my boys.

Yes, that seems to be a common opinion on Mumsnet when I’ve looked at other posts.

It sounds like bloody hard work - all of the time. Im 40 and not had to worry about that during this time. Do what I want, when I want and why I want. We also have a good disposable income

Would I change that for a baby?! I’m not sure but the window to have a baby is closing.

It is hard work - but not all the time (although I have a newborn and a toddler who is good as gold, so that could well change 😬😳 the cat still remains harder work than both of them put together!!)

I often think of it like for every 10 bad times, there is 1 absolutely incredible time that outshines everything.

I’m so incredibly stuck. Being older there is more chance things will go wrong. I know I’d never cope with additional needs etc.

I also need to be mindful of my husband who isn’t so keen. I’d hate so much for baby pressure (of having one and the difficult job it is) to put a strain on our relationship. He’s so important to me

Yes your life would change totally. I don't regret it at all I have absolutely loved the years with the kids however mine are now teens and I am looking forward now to being able to have freedom again. By the time we are 50 both of our kids will be over 18 and we are looking forward to having 'our' life again. Kids take all your time and money. I found babies were very cheap but teens not do much. Also childcare costs are eye watering.

I will say though we have had no family support, so no babysitters, no nights away just the two of us in the last 16 years. I think this can make a huge difference. Now this year as they are 16 & 13 we will be able to go out for a meal or to the cinema just us if we want to. They also often don't want to do things with us anymore. They would rather go to Nando's with their friends than come for a nice meal with us

I had my lo when 39. Like you until that point my life was carefree and I did as I like when I liked.
Having my lo was the best thing ever. Honestly, I realise that my life felt full before, but really was just filled with things to do/people etc. Whereas now it's filled with a love like no other, experiences that are beyond explanation. Walking down the street is no longer a walk,its a memory and experience. You appreciate things you didn't and treasure so much more.
Yes it's hard at points. But long term its no harder cooking for 1 more,washing for 1 more, etc.

Obviously it is better for you to both be on board.

Hope that helps a little.

Thanks so much.
It’s such a life changing decision regardless of what way you go with it.
It makes me sick to my stomach to be honest.
I go from “yes” to “no” to “absolutely not” to “yes” again.

@Whatisbest I'm not saying what you're feeling is all hormones and age-related but I'm the same age as you and have two children (one is a baby) and I keep having this urge to have another despite knowing that I wouldn't be any happier for it (the opposite in fact!). It's the first time in my life that I've actually felt broody and I'm convinced it's my age that's the culprit!

One trick I’ve tried when I've found it hard to make a decision is, to write your choices on pieces of paper and the then fold them in half and mix them up. Close your eyes and imagine that whichever piece of paper you pick out decides your future. Then pick a piece of paper and really try and concentrate on what your gut feeling / reaction is when you read it. Eg. If you pick ‘dont have children’ what's your initial feeling? Relief? A tinge of sadness? Maybe give it a try? Might give you a little extra insight into your gut feeling?

@Aria2015. Thanks, that seems like a good idea.
I do believe my gut feeling is that I won’t have children though.

That’ does make me sad but I also find the thought of having a baby really anxiety provoking!

@Whatisbest well I'm a great believer in going with your gut. I was with my dh over 10 year before we had kids and we really lived life to the full and were extremely happy. I wouldn't say that life with children is better or worse, it's just very different! You can definitely be happy either way, in fact you have proof already that you can be happy without as you've already got a very happy life so if you choose not to have them you’ll just continue on the happy path you're already on!

Absolutely. My life is very nice.
This couple of weeks re it all have been really difficult though.
I just want this feeling to pass.

At 40, if you're not sure, don't do it.
You'll be used to your way of life and I learned you shouldn't do it unless your more than 80% committed.
Enjoy your life. The freedom. Your money is your own.

@Whatisbest I felt very similar to you. Flipped between 'of course' and 'but why would I' when it came to having children. I had a lovely life, strong relationship, plenty of disposable income.

At 37 I decided to come off contraception and leave the decision to nature. I became pregnant straight away and now have a toddler.

Honestly, it's hard, tiring, and I miss so much just having time that is mine. But, she sat on my lap this morning and was just the most engaging, funny little human, and those 10 minutes made my day.

I actually ache for another now, but we are stopping at one (and as pp said, the broodiness could just be my age!). Good luck in making your decision.

Thanks everyone. Our life is great but is this what I really want for the next 20 years? Just strolling through life without tonnes of fulfilment.
It’s damn difficult. I wish I knew either way. Yes or no. Not this crappy middle ground.

I was you OP. I was 39, happy in a relationship of 6 years, loved my career, my social life, loved my stress free (apart from work) life and my total freedom. But.....I felt exactly the same as you! I started to wonder if it was some amazing life experience I would eventually regret not doing. And time was running out. I also looked at my parents getting older and realised the day would come when they wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t have any family as such and that bothered me.

So...we decided to go for it and if it was meant to be then so be it and if I’d left it too late then so be it.

So at 40 we started ttc, fell pregnant straight away and had a miscarriage, tried again after a few months and fell pregnant again and had my first DC at 42. Then my second at 43 and my third at 45. 😊

It’s really hard work! My life is unrecognisable to the life I had before. My money is now family money and whereas before I wouldn’t think twice about clothes shopping the children now get new clothes before I do 😊. I’ll skip over the sleep deprivation, complete loss of freedom and spontaneity 😊

But, having said all that, I love it and I’m so pleased I took a leap of faith and just went for it.

Not sure I would recommend you go for three though! 😊

@Icantrememebrtheartist. Your post is so positive and enthusiastic! Thank you.

It is such a big choice isn’t it. I envy the women who are “yes” or “no”. I want to be one of them. Not this faffing in the middle.

I’m turning 40 next month. I worry about my age and the thought of things being wrong if we were to fall pregnant. If I knew all would be fine then I’d do it. It’s the unknown...:

I am the same OP. In some ways I wish I could have an accident which would take the decision making out of my hands. If I did get pregnant I’d go for it and not look back.

@cheezy
I’m not sure what it means that there is such a level of indecision?!

Can you just "try without trying" and if it happens, it happens?

If you aren't sure then don't have one. I have several friends who never wanted kids, never had kids, never regretted their choice, and who have had very generously lived satisfying full lives.

I'm far more astonished at women choosing to have more than one child than at women who choose to have none.

I didn’t want kids, love travelling, into a fair amount of outdoors sports, love seeing my friends.
DH persuaded me, and honestly I’ve never been happier.
I really love being a Mum.
I don’t think there’s any way of really knowing without actually having the child! Which isn’t helpful, I know.
Comments like ‘if you’re not 100% sure, don’t’ are not in line with my group of friends. I know loads of people that weren’t sure.

Don't have one if you both don't really want one. It's not just about a baby. A baby becomes a child, who becomes a teen who becomes an adult and they never stop needing you. Every stage is equally bloody hard, just different. I don't regret mine, but i knew from an early age i wanted children. but it's been a hundred percent harder than i ever thought possible. You have to put another person first all the time. Unless you both really want one - don't do it. Some people do regret their children - they just don't talk about it. The older you get the more chance of multiples or problematic pregnancies as well.

Hi OP, I'm someone who slightly goes against the grain to the "completely changes your life" and "life is unrecognisable" comments

I had my DD at 37 - i had been with my ex for 20 years, financially OK etc but like you, I could t really decide which way to go. Decided to let nature take its course and I fell pregnant two years later

Yes, life changed and I was lucky enough to have a fairly easy going baby, but just having one means she pretty much blended into our lives without massive upheaval. Still worked full time, went on holidays abroad, went out with my friends every few weekends. We were lucky enough to have family and friends nearby so we still went out for meals and weekends away - sometimes she'd come with us; sometimes she stayed with family. Since she started school, I made amazing mum friends and we have regular nights out and the children stay at each other's houses. It's changed my life for the better when I didn't think it could get any better!

It really depends on what your circumstances are like. I'm now a single parent and she's 13 and our relationship is amazjng, and also with her father.

You'll never regret having one but you'll always wonder "what if" if you don't have one

DO IT!!

Id look deeply at what is making you question the fact you havent had them so far - is it purely that time is running out and you might regret not having children? Because that is partly hormonal but also partly societal pressure, especially for women.
I think Id actually go so far as to discuss it with a counsellor, dig deep into whats going on in your thought processes regarding this