Is it worth it? Honestly....

[Whatisbest]

Perhaps a bit of an odd question.

Are babies/children really worth it?
I’m really struggling with this debate. I’m 40 and childfree. Happily married.

I’m so concerned we’ll regret not doing it. It actually consumes me most days. My DH isn’t keen but would if I wanted to.

Our life is great. And I don’t want that to change. But there is the baby debate hanging over me...,.

I find the people I know who were most overwhelmed by parenthood were age 40+. You're quite settled in your ways by that age. Child-free is fine.

I had kids when I was ambivalent (about first one, anyway) but I'm not deluded this was "fine" just because it worked out ok. Every child deserves to be 100% wanted.

So for that reason, I always say only plan them if you feel absolutely sure you want them.

It's so hard if you're undecided. I think it's definitely easier if you're in the 'definitely want them' or 'definitely don't want them' camp. If you can't decide or if you have the decision taken out of your hands it can make it really tough.

Personally in your shoes I probably wouldn't - I would continue to enjoy your life and find fulfilment in the many, many ways that are open to those without children. I also wouldn't have children with a partner that wasn't 100% sure about having them as you need to be in it together for the next 18+ years.

It's easy for me to say that as someone with children though. I fully understand that 'what if' question gnawing away.

You'll never regret having one

Not necessarily true. It's just a huge taboo and women generally aren't allowed to admit they regret having children. There have been posts on here in the past running into the thousands from women who admitted they regretted having children.

It is so individual and wish I did know either yes or no.
It’ is in my thoughts every day now to be honest. But suppose time will tell. I can’t keep going on like this forever. My body won’t allow that for one. Mother Nature will eventually shut up shop.

There are more reasons for you to not have a child than to have one, the biggest being that your partner doesn't want one. Having a baby will put a strain on your relationship, and if he's not really on board that's a breeding ground for resentment - are you ready for that?

You describe having a child as a "life experience" - it is, yes, however it's also so much more than that. Going on a round the world trip is a life experience, having a child is committing to someone else being the most important thing in your life that trumps everything else, forever.

If you're on the fence I don't think you should.

I was the same as you. In the end I decided to go for it but I was terrified in case I hated parenthood and regretted it. It turned out I bloody loved it. I'm so glad I did it and I think I would probably have got bored of my previous life. So I don't agree when people say that you shouldn't if you're not 100% sure. Often the '100% sure' people haven't thought sufficiently about the downsides and end up struggling more than the people, like me, who weren't sure, because at least we have a bit of perspective and lower expectations.

I love it, but my first mum years were really hard. My son had a life threatening condition and was very ill, I felt unheard by the doctors and had no sleep and an unsupportive husband. My son is fine now, though needs life long follow up and a few adjustments, but I love being his mum. He makes me so proud. Hearing his own thoughts and ideas is wonderful. He’s just started setting himself little projects in his notebooks and will suddenly come up with a fact and you think, ”wow, how do you know that?” Obviously there are tough times and night wake ups and so on, but it didn’t put me off wanting to be a mum to a second child (non genetic illness). However, I did pause for longer than most in between because I wanted to make sure whatever happened I’d be a good parent to both so it took me a bit longer to be ready. I’m very excited for this baby though and I think if you want a child it’s usually very rewarding being a parenting. You do need to be willing to give pretty constantly, but children give so much back. It’s a big life change, but life isn’t unrecognisable! I still do lots of things I love doing (didn’t in those early high need years but unless your child is ill or has extra needs, you won’t be giving up everything!) and I think parents having interests is healthy for children to see. I doubt many people regret their children. Yes, all stages are different but most adults don’t need parents in the same way, it’s a different relationship by then.

I'm afraid I do regret being a parent. Even though I threw everything at it, I've more than likely unintentionally made a mess of it. I feel responsible and guilty for sending 2 people into the world who will blame their childhoods. It totally messed up my life's direction, my own personal growth, my body, my happiness, my career. I'm still on the bottom rung at the age of 49 and I resent the way I sleepwalked into parenthood. I really feel that children are over rated. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm now emerging, blinking in the sunlight, back to where I was 20 years ago, but basically a shadow of my former self thinking 'God, what was that all about?'

Do you like children OP? Do you want to care for a child all day for 18 or whatever years, putting your own life away in a box to do so?

@ThankYouHunkyJesus

You'll never regret having one

Not necessarily true. It's just a huge taboo and women generally aren't allowed to admit they regret having children. There have been posts on here in the past running into the thousands from women who admitted they regretted having children.

I agree.

I remember when I was a teenager, my mum said she had been 'ambivalent' about having children. She said she didn't regret having us but that she was never one of those people who always saw children in their future.

I still think about that conversation sometimes. I don't doubt she loves us dearly but we're not a close family and sometimes I wonder if there's still a level of ambivalence there.

OP I think a pp's suggestion of some counselling could be worth looking into. A neutral party to help you explore your thoughts and feelings without pressure or fear of judgement might help you clarify things.

I have actually recently started counselling.
The choice is definitely individual and in my opinion one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make.

This is a really interesting discussion, and I thought I would weigh in with something that completely changed my view on it a little while ago: I know it sounds obvious, but having children is a choice. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. I know - not much of a revelation, but I can be quite slow sometimes!

As others have said, a lot of women regret becoming mothers. Some childfree women regret their choice too. Unfortunately that's just life - no-one will ever experience the path not taken, and you can regret anything you do or don't do - but you are far more likely to regret any decision you feel you've been forced into, or made for someone else's benefit. As long as you give yourself the time and space to make the decision for you, you'll be okay.

It may feel like the world is pushing you to want children, or that having kids is the default - when I was weighing it up myself, I found it useful to immerse myself in stuff about childfree women as a counterbalance to this. There are a few books on Amazon, eg Nina Jervis: "I'd rather get a cat and save the planet" (a small book of interviews with childfree women) which might help you to figure out how you're feeling. There are also plenty of online resources for childfree people (eg www.nonparents.com). Almost 20% of women in England and Wales don't have kids by the age of 45 - one in 5 women! You wouldn't be alone!

By the way, I say all of this as someone who is now trying to conceive their first child - I went back-and-forth for a long time on the decision, eventually focused on it completely, looked at my options, thought about how I wanted my life to be, and the balance was tipped in favour of trying for a baby. I feel confident in that choice now, having weighed it up. Good luck with your decision - I really wish you all the best.

It's a massive question and good that you're taking it so seriously!
You need to remember: there is no one choice that leads to the perfect life. One choice will have one set of happinesses and sadnesses, the other choice will have a different set.

Go with what you feel and make the most of it, is all I can suggest.
It's really hard the first few years - you have to do everything for them, and it puts strain on your relationship with your partner. On the other hand I'm glad I'm personally glad I've gone through all that now and have lovely kids. But do think that more of the freedoms i used to have would contribute to my happiness!

I had never been maternal, but half-heartedly "tried" from age of 36 even though I was on the fence (DH was keen). As time went on, I went off the idea fully, was going to go back on the pill and... BOOM got pregnant at 38. Couldn't go through with an abortion, but spent my entire pregnancy scared and wishing I wasn't pregnant. Ff to now, DS is 5 months and I ADORE him and my life now. It's a cliche to say it's the best thing I've ever done and I have no regrets.

Having said that, I'm sure I'd also have led a fulfilling life if I hadn't had a child, with work, travel, interests, social life etc. I don't think I'd have regretted that choice either.

I spent a lot of my 30s wrestling with the dilemma of whether to have kids or not - like you. But now i realise there's simply no right or wrong. You just have to make a decision and make the most of whatever path you end up on. Good luck!

Hi all,
Thanks for your thoughts and your kindness.
I really appreciate it.
This is though!

Absolutely yes it is worth it!! I have 3 much wanted and much loved kids and yes it's hard work but they are my world 100%. I really like knowing that 3 little parts of me will live on in the world after I'm gone.

Mine is 18 months and I’m still not sure. I think it’s a long term project

www.newscientist.com/article/2213655-having-kids-makes-you-happier-but-only-when-they-move-out/

I don’t think theres a straight forward answer but I have really struggled, partly because i’m an introvert and partly because due to the pandemic i don’t have access to childcare in the country I currently live in.

Search for the threads on regretting being a parent and really think about the things posters talk about on there. How much help you get, how supportive your family and friends are, being able to get a break, going back to work. These are all really important things to consider.

I know it’s cliched but I only really understood how hard it is once my DD arrived. We love her to bits but I’m not sure if I did the right thing. I won’t be having any more children though.

I wish you luck and I hope whatever you decide that it brings you happiness Xx

Personally, at your age I wouldn't. I'm 41 and the idea of being a pregnant and having a newborn at my age fills me with dread. But I would say that to a woman aged 40 who already had kids too. If you were ten years younger, I'd say go for it.

Somethings to consider. Having a child will have an impact on your relationship and will test it. Do you think it will survive the strain if your DH isn't 100% on board with having kids now? How is the division of housework and salaries in your home at the moment? If it's not 50/50 now, then it will only get worse when you have a child. Would you be willing or able to be a single parent if you separated?

What is your job and employer like? Are they willing to be flexible with maternity leave, part time working, WFH etc? There is so much more to think about for the long term than just the baby stage. Is your home big enough? Car big enough? Do you like in the sort of area you'd want to raise kids in? What about local schools? Would you be able to afford to send them to university etc?

How would you feel if you couldn't conceive without help? Would you prepared to have IVF? Would DH? What about if there are complications for you and/or the baby? I had a complicated pregnancy at 34/35 which was attributed to my age, which is the main reason why I would not have any more. I also have twins in my family, so always had in the back of my mind 'what if it's twins?!'

That being said, for all the hard times, I love my kids and I would definitely have them if I had the choice again.

I have thought about nothing but those type of things to be honest.

Yeah, 40 is maybe a bit of a push for having a baby!
What is this so bloody difficult.

OP, I could have written this post. I'm a little younger than you, but the wrong side of 35 nonetheless and feel like time is running out to make a decision. My situation is slightly trickier in that my DH is more pro-kids though.

I can't advise you, but if you're anything like me, in this moment in time I definitely don't want a baby/toddler/small child. What I do want, is to know that the future me will be ok without a family of my own.

I completely emphasise though. It's such a hard one, and you're not the only one going through it. I've been on Mumsnet for a while and I've definitely noticed an increase in the number of threads about whether to have kids or not, and also an increase in threads about hating parenthood so I do think people are thinking about the decision more these days. Maybe in the future, not having kids will be even more common.

Op if a doctor said "sorry, it's not possible now for you" how would you feel? Relieved the decision had been made for you? Sometimes the pressure of making the decision becomes its own thing, separate from the actual options, iyswim?

There have threads on here before where undecided people said once they got past the age where they could have kids, the idea of being childless was much easier to accept, as the decision was out of their hands.

I wouldn't unless you were totally sure. I had dd at 23 and she was very much a surprise. I am 30 now and would never ever do it at this age or older. I was never sure about having kids and I think if our surprise hadn't happened, we wouldn't have had any.

Obviously I love her and think she's wonderful but I'm not the most naturally maternal people and I will admit it's been difficult. She's a very easy child too!

It’s a tough one, OP.

I’ve been there and ultimately decided against having children. I don’t regret my decision.

In my case, Mother Nature played a trick on me in my thirties and made me super broody. I was OBSESSED with wanting babies and felt jealous of the baby bumps I was spotting everywhere. My husband was ambivalent but said he’d do it if that’s what I wanted.

After six months, it’s like a switch tripped back again and I literally had this feeling of “Jesus Christ, what am I doing?!”

I like my life as it is. Sure, I’d have been happy with a child too but the big thing for me was the thought that a happy child can make your life a lot happier, but an unhappy child can ruin yours.

I don’t just mean a reflux baby or a stroppy teen. I have so many friends with now grown-up children who have unhappy lives and it consumes the parents too.

My brother has a child who is profoundly disabled due to a birth injury. He’s 25 now and very seriously depressed. My brother and his wife are 100% dedicated to their son, he’s their whole life and they’re miserable. I seriously worry for them. My SIL is afraid to go to sleep at night in case she doesn’t wake up and her son ends up in an institution.
But she’s confided in me that she sometimes does wish she could go to sleep and never wake up.

Absolutely, that’s an extreme example but I have so many friends who had children who go on to need additional supports as adults.

Even taking special needs/disabilities out of the equation, raising children is one thing, but parenting lasts for decades and a lot of that isn’t rosy.

I think it’s easy for people to spout romanticised nonsense like “every walk is an adventure” when they have cute toddlers, but there are many people in their older years who are upset with that their children have become, either through their own actions or circumstances. My friend’s daughter is 30 and has no contact with her family any more because they cut her off financially when she made the most ridiculous choices and they couldn’t cope with the manipulation and abuse any more.

It sounds like you need to give it more thought but please do think longer-term too. Depending on where you live, you might find that you have your children living with you until they’re well into adulthood.

How much depth has there been in your conversations with DH about this issue?

IMVHO the most important thing, given your current circumstances, is to work through how the practicalities are going to play out - and to make sure that neither of you is making assumptions about the other. For example, you say you have good disposable income, which suggests that you both have good, satisfying and well-rewarded jobs. What will happen when a baby comes along? Will you want to continue working? Does you DH agree with this? If you want to be at home with the baby/child, are you in a job that will allow you to pick things back up at such time as you want to, or would this mean the death knell for your career?

Childcare is expensive (actually whatever option you go for!) but if you can afford a nanny this would probably be the best way to allow to continue to work. But have you considered what option you would prefer? Have you talked them through with your DH?

How much sharing of childcare is he prepared to do? You'd be amazed how many men (often written about on MN!) seem to think that beyond fathering the child, there's nothing else that they should do and that it's all the woman's job! Will he happily come home from work early to go to parents' evening, or the nativity, or just to be able to drop everything if the child is poorly and you're in a meeting?

So much of this decision for you is taking up a lot of emotional time, but if you work through all the rational, practical stuff that might be a better way to reach a decision.

I feel for you - it's a tough one!

My DP really wanted kids, more than me and he is a brilliant dad and very understanding. I love my baby so much and he is totally awesome, but I cosleep in the spare room due to awful sleep in the first few months due to food allergies, and difficulty resettling him in the night still now. We are 7 months in and I miss my own room, bed and going to sleep at night next to DP. I don't see it ending any time soon. We don't eat together and barely get an evening still as I'm up twice having to try and resettle baby (and then failing by 10pm and giving up and getting into bed with him). If DP wasn't so understanding I think we would have big relationship issues. I miss time to myself. I miss the freedom. But I would still have him if I had the choice, and I know it won't be like this forever.

@Whatisbest

I have thought about nothing but those type of things to be honest.

Yeah, 40 is maybe a bit of a push for having a baby!
What is this so bloody difficult.

Lots of women have their first age 40. I have children and would consider having one final child around age 40

Honestly I don't regret a thing when it comes to my children. But I suffered a lot of losses and lost both tubes to ectopics age 36. As soon as I was told I'd never have children it was all I wanted