Is it worth it? Honestly....

[Whatisbest]

Perhaps a bit of an odd question.

Are babies/children really worth it?
I’m really struggling with this debate. I’m 40 and childfree. Happily married.

I’m so concerned we’ll regret not doing it. It actually consumes me most days. My DH isn’t keen but would if I wanted to.

Our life is great. And I don’t want that to change. But there is the baby debate hanging over me...,.

The way I look at these situations is imagine yourself at 65 hopefully retired sat in your living room, gut instinct what does that picture look like?

You and your DH relaxing together or does it involve grown up children sat on the other sofa.

You aren’t too old to have DC but at the same time if you aren’t sure I would say it’s maybe a no? Are you disappointed you haven’t had DC before this point? Would that change?

Only try for a baby if your happy for that to be an only. That would be my first thought. Once you open that Pandora’s box of parenthood you’d be amazed how psychotic you can become about giving your child a sibling.

My DD is the absolute light of my life and having her, watching her grow up and getting to know her is a great joy. Having a baby is also the greatest strain my relationship has known - luckily we are both absolutely in it and our delight in her more than makes up for the exhaustion, the sleepless nights, the lack of funds and time to love our lives as we did before, the endless cups of cold coffee that we didn't finish and the frustrations we can only show to each other.

I also hated pregnancy and had an incredibly hard time with anxiety after she was born. I turned 38 days after her birthday and I have never known that level of exhaustion. DD is worth every single minute of that and more, but I didn't appreciate the exhaustion I would feel and the weight of responsibility for another person until I actually had her.

If I had known this all ten years ago, I would have started earlier and had more than one, but if I had done that, I wouldn't have DD so it's all worked out for the absolute best.

Only you can really decide the best for you - before I had her I wasn't ever sure I wanted children and to me the worst thing would be to have a baby and regret it, rather than regret not having a baby.

Good luck with your decision

Once you open that Pandora’s box of parenthood you’d be amazed how psychotic you can become about giving your child a sibling.

Ain't that the truth - I'm £35k in the hole in the pursuit of giving my DD a sibling

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to this thread. I find it so helpful.

I was very much in the 'child free by choice' camp until I found myself very unexpectedly pregnant. Sadly I lost my first daughter late into pregnancy and that experience really changed things for us, had it not happened I don't think I would have had children at all. But it did and as a result I ended up having a good long hard look at my life as despite not wanting to be a mother until that point I was one and the idea of not trying again made me very sad, we went on to have DD when I was 34.

She is absolutely worth it but I would say to only go into it if you are as sure as possible because it's like a hand grenade is thrown into your life, it will never be the same again. Being her mum is the best thing that's ever happened to me but my life is a whole world away from what it was.

Only you can make the choice.

The thing is that you can't know how you'll feel if you have a child. If you don't have one you might feel regret but otherwise your life will be as it is now - and it sounds as though you like your life.
I have two children and absolutely adore being a parent - it's the best thing that has happened to me.
But I have friends who have children who openly say that they wish they hadn't. One of them spent thousands and thousands on IVF and has never enjoyed being a mum - at first she assumed it was just natural sleep deprivation so she had another one to give the first a sibling. She has two children who loathe each other (late teens now) and she just wishes the IVF hadn't worked. But, had it not worked, I imagine she would have felt a huge child shaped hole in her life and resented that too.
I think she's unusual but I have many other friends who have found parenting a lot less fulfilling than they imagined they would.
I'm not trying to put you off - as I say, it's the best thing in my life though I also have a good career etc - but I don't think you should have them from some feeling of societal pressure.

life is very, very, very long. The first years were hard, but now, more than the love from any partner, I have the honest true innocent non-judgemental love from my little humans a d nothing could or would ever make me give up something so utterly precious. Nothing compares to them. no man. no pet. no job. Nothing. But finding that little letter from a 7 year old telling you how much he loves you, finding a drawn heart in your shoe your other child left you "so you can walk around with my love", things like that. I gambled everything for this. No one know what kind ofkid they'll end up with, what'll happen in the future. but for me, I knew I could never have lived wondering what if. I had to at least try with that gamble. no regrets , ever. money doesn't buy this.

I certainly don’t feel any societal pressure. Far from it to be honest. The pressure is from myself and the fact I’m turning 40.

Of course it's wòrth it. It's far too hard work not to be worth it! I think you'd have to be quite lucky to manage conception. You have left it about as late as you can. I'd be exhausted starting with all that now. I'm 42 and have 7yo and 10yo.

One dc not too bad. I'd go for it if I were you.

I think it is normal at this age to look at your life and question the choices you have made.

I knew I wanted to be mum more than anything else and have happily sacrificed my career for it. I would do it all again and make the same choices in a heartbeat.
That doesn't mean I never wonder where I could be professionally if I'd had the extra time. Add hormones and the biological clock to that and of course you will have conflicting feelings.
Having a baby is such a massive change for both of you.

I feel the same as you, OP, and I recently worked out that I do want to do it but having not wanted to for much of my life has made me feel like I "shouldn't"

I'm not sure if you have posted on another thread already OP not so long ago? Your story sounds familiar.

For some people having a good, strong relationship is enough and fulfilling, and they don't have a need to create a 'family'.

My situation is different in a sense that I'm single, 39, and am currently pregnant via IVF with a donor sperm. I never thought this would be how my life turned out (having been married previously), but I wanted to try to have a child and build my own family, it's as simple as that, and time was running out.

I'm not sure I have sacrificed anything (yet), and that I'm missing out. I feel like I've done all the travelling, going out etc. I still would like to meet a partner, and continue to have a social life of some sort but for now this is my priority.