Booked for an abortion tomorrow but freaking out!

[jazz12318]

I found out I was pregnant on Friday despite taking the morning after pill after an incident with a broken condom and have booked in to have an abortion tomorrow. Although in my mind I know it’s the right decision my heart is torn & I feel incredibly guilty and sad about the whole situation & am now panicking about tomorrow. I’m 27 and my boyfriend of over 2 years is 29. We are in the happiest most loving relationship. Although unplanned he was happy about the pregnancy as he has always been vocal about wanting to start a family earlier rather than later and so, although he is supporting me, he said he wants to keep it. The problem is he is a lot more secure in life than me. He has recently purchased his first home & works for his dad in a successful line of business so is financially stable for the most part (he has a few debts). He’s also been married before. I on the other hand have just finished university & have no money whatsoever, I’m in debt & have no job prospects given the current climate. I live between my mums & his so I don’t feel truly ‘settled’. I always said I wanted to get married, get a job, be a bit more financially stable & move into a house together (his current property is a flat) before having children. I also wanted to wait a few years as I have suffered with anxiety since being a teenager and feel I’ve missed out on a lot of life as I was isolated by myself for many years and so I’m worried about giving up my freedom, especially since I have such a strong desire to travel. Given my anxiety I am also terrified about keeping it and being pregnant/giving birth during a pandemic. I worry there’ll be a lack of support both medically and from family if we have to isolate again. I worry about a second wave & giving birth alone if nobody is allowed into the delivery suite. But now the time has come for my appointment I’m worried if I’ll regret it or feel guilty about it for the rest of my life. Equally, if I kept it I’m worried that I would be resentful of missing out on things. I just don’t know what to do I’ve been so up and down & emotional since finding out. Deep down I feel like keeping it would be very difficult and stressful for me right now but I just can’t stop feeling badly and thinking about the ‘what ifs’. What if everything was ok & we have end up with something so special? I don’t really know why I’m writing this, I know ultimately it’s my decision and nobody can advise me but despite discussing it with my boyfriend I feel quite alone and feel like I need a different perspective other than his but I don’t want to tell anyone close to me through fear of causing unnecessary upset. I just don’t know what to do for the best.

Hello, oh you poor thing. No one can tell you what to do I'm afraid. The only thing I would say is that you can be married and have the perfect house and be financially secure but it really doesn't mean a thing. I do think however you sound like that's not the life you're ready for just now. You want to live a little first yes?

What does he say when you tell him your anxieties about keeping it?

Sorry, OP not OH

You're driving yourself crazy with too many what ifs.

It's not right for you right now. You would make yourself the more vulnerable one in the relationship if you had a baby. If you want to feather your own nest and be equal in the relationship then you are doing the right thing.

I had a termination at 29 and contrary to popular narrative, I don't think about it. I know it happened. It would have made my life so much harder. There's no way I can be really rose-tinted about that.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being the woman is so unfair in many respects. No one can tell you which course of action you'll regret more unfortunately as it varies from person to person and no one can ever see how both choices pan out. However, if you're already feeling guilty about this I think you're quite likely to continue to feel that way. I've seen lots of women on here say they've had to learn to cope with the what ifs and that it's never gone away for them. They don't necessarily regret their decision though, even when they feel that way, and I have seen posts from quite a few who were saddened by their abortion and still feel that way to an extent but who are very happy with the way their later life turned out and know that it was necessary to get to the stage they're at now.

I don't think either option is particularly palatable to you, so you'll have to pick the least worst one. Could you make a weighted worries list? Don't feel you have to rush into this tomorrow either- seek counselling if you feel you've not yet made your mind up to your satisfaction.

Yeah I know you can’t always have the ideal situation & my boyfriend has even offered to find us a house but I wouldn’t want that, I don’t want him to have to pay to move the mortgage & rush just to get a house for us so we have the ‘ideal setup’. But if I kept it it would mean moving to another town away from my family. It’s just all so confusing in my head, I don’t want to hurt him & I don’t want to be filled with regret by going ahead but like you said I also feel conflicted as I do want to be young & live a little for a while before being tied down ☹️

@Mycatismadeofstringcheese

What does he say when you tell him your anxieties about keeping it?

He does understand and even though it caused a bit of tension between us & he’s being supportive but every point I make he just seems to always find a way put a positive spin on it but he is quite different to me he’s impulsive & I’m the worrier!

I dont know how far along you are but is there any chance you could postpone the appointment tomorrow and give yourself more time to think things over ? So that you are more confident in your decision ?

@WinnieWonder

You're driving yourself crazy with too many what ifs.

It's not right for you right now. You would make yourself the more vulnerable one in the relationship if you had a baby. If you want to feather your own nest and be equal in the relationship then you are doing the right thing.

I had a termination at 29 and contrary to popular narrative, I don't think about it. I know it happened. It would have made my life so much harder. There's no way I can be really rose-tinted about that.

Thanks for your honesty I appreciate it, I definitely am driving myself crazy & just feel I need to make a decision otherwise I’ll go round in circles forever! I know he’d support me but I also know I need to support myself as inevitably I would be the one with the most responsibilities for the child - it’s just telling my heart that 😩

Why would keeping the baby mean you have to leave town?

Ultimately, I'd take what your boyfriend wants out of the equation, hard as that is to do. If you keep the baby as a way to keep him happy, the resentment will likely drive you apart in the end regardless. There's no getting around it, babies and kids are hard work and they take up most of your free time. And it's highly likely you'll find yourself doing the majority of the grunt work. So, if you're keeping it, do so with yourself at the forefront of your mind.

I think that's the best way to go in to a pregnancy to be honest. knowing that if the relationship crumbles you'll get through it financially. Obviously a supportive partnership is ideal, but you can only really bank on that legally, practically whatever about emotionally if you've already got to that point where you have set up home together, worked out who steps back or forward and for how long.

xxx

You don’t have to do anything you
Don’t want to do

Lots of babies aren’t born into the ideal set up. I personally would go for it! Plenty of time to sort a career after. I had my first child around your age and it is lovely being able to look forward to my forties knowing I will have a bit more freedom.

"my boyfriend has even offered to find us a house but I wouldn’t want that, I don’t want him to have to pay to move the mortgage & rush just to get a house for us so we have the ‘ideal setup’. But if I kept it it would mean moving to another town away from my family. It’s just all so confusing in my head, I don’t want to hurt him & I don’t want to be filled with regret by going ahead but like you said I also feel conflicted as I do want to be young & live a little for a while before being tied down*
I think that's your decision right there. You can have everything you want but it just isn't right for you just now. OP I don't envy you your decision but whatever you decide you are making it for you and your unborn. I wonder if you would feel differently if your DP wasn't so keen? Can you perhaps consider how you would feel if he didn't want the pregnancy to continue. Would you be sad but relieved. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you.

Oh, love. I don't think any of us can really advise you but I agree it sounds like you have plans with your life that you'd like to see through before having a baby. For what it's worth, I had an abortion many years ago, and while at the time part of me was unsure, my head won over my heart and I went ahead with it. I've never had any regrets, and don't really think about it at all now. I also now have two gorgeous children, and am able to give them a much better quality of life than I would have been able to then.

Is there a way you could explore your feelings a bit more? My mother always said to flip a coin and try to feel your immediate gut reaction when you see whether it's heads or tails. I know it's just a simple technique but might help point you a little ways towards clarity.

If you're really unsure then you may want to postpone the appointment if you have time to.

Huge hugs to you. It's such a difficult position to be in.

You will ultimately have to make the decision but I just wanted to say I was in a very similar situation at the same age except my boyfriend was also unemployed. I had also just graduated and hadn't started working yet. We had to move in with my mother-in-law and sleep on a mattress in a spare room all through my pregnancy. It was a bit grim but we had a wonderful little daughter and now, 5 years later we have another baby and my now DH has a very good job. So it can work out.
Good luck with everything whatever you decide to do.

@FourPlasticRings

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being the woman is so unfair in many respects. No one can tell you which course of action you'll regret more unfortunately as it varies from person to person and no one can ever see how both choices pan out. However, if you're already feeling guilty about this I think you're quite likely to continue to feel that way. I've seen lots of women on here say they've had to learn to cope with the what ifs and that it's never gone away for them. They don't necessarily regret their decision though, even when they feel that way, and I have seen posts from quite a few who were saddened by their abortion and still feel that way to an extent but who are very happy with the way their later life turned out and know that it was necessary to get to the stage they're at now.

I don't think either option is particularly palatable to you, so you'll have to pick the least worst one. Could you make a weighted worries list? Don't feel you have to rush into this tomorrow either- seek counselling if you feel you've not yet made your mind up to your satisfaction.

Thank you for your help, I feel I will feel guilty if I go through with it which I don’t want to feel but those feelings might be the lesser of two evils at this stage I just can’t stop picturing it growing away, it hit me more so when they said I had to go to an appointment for a scan - I’m terrified of how seeing/hearing anything will make me feel!

@romdowa

I dont know how far along you are but is there any chance you could postpone the appointment tomorrow and give yourself more time to think things over ? So that you are more confident in your decision ?

I’m 7 weeks, 3 days according to the lady at Marie stopes & although I’m still under 10 weeks I’m terrified of postponing the appointment incase it means having the surgical abortion

@FourPlasticRings

Why would keeping the baby mean you have to leave town?

Ultimately, I'd take what your boyfriend wants out of the equation, hard as that is to do. If you keep the baby as a way to keep him happy, the resentment will likely drive you apart in the end regardless. There's no getting around it, babies and kids are hard work and they take up most of your free time. And it's highly likely you'll find yourself doing the majority of the grunt work. So, if you're keeping it, do so with yourself at the forefront of your mind.

I would have to move into his place (unless of course we rushed to get a house) since I wouldn’t want to have a baby at my mums. But yes I feel awful for taking him out of the equation & I’ve said this to him but it’s the right thing to do since it’s my body at the end of the day but I do feel bad as he really is desperate to have children but I would never go through with it just to please him, that wouldn’t be fair on myself or the child

@WinnieWonder

You're driving yourself crazy with too many what ifs.

It's not right for you right now. You would make yourself the more vulnerable one in the relationship if you had a baby. If you want to feather your own nest and be equal in the relationship then you are doing the right thing.

I had a termination at 29 and contrary to popular narrative, I don't think about it. I know it happened. It would have made my life so much harder. There's no way I can be really rose-tinted about that.

Woah @WinnieWonder I don’t think that you should be making such a statement as ‘It’s not right for you right now’ unless you know the OP personally. This is a highly emotive and personal decision that the OP is clearly having trouble making and she needs support to make the correct decision for her whatever that may be. Another persons experience is completely irrelevant In this situation. Wishing you all the best @jazz12318 and peace of mind with which ever decision you make

@TARSCOUT

"my boyfriend has even offered to find us a house but I wouldn’t want that, I don’t want him to have to pay to move the mortgage & rush just to get a house for us so we have the ‘ideal setup’. But if I kept it it would mean moving to another town away from my family. It’s just all so confusing in my head, I don’t want to hurt him & I don’t want to be filled with regret by going ahead but like you said I also feel conflicted as I do want to be young & live a little for a while before being tied down* I think that's your decision right there. You can have everything you want but it just isn't right for you just now. OP I don't envy you your decision but whatever you decide you are making it for you and your unborn. I wonder if you would feel differently if your DP wasn't so keen? Can you perhaps consider how you would feel if he didn't want the pregnancy to continue. Would you be sad but relieved. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you.

Thank you that is definitely something I haven’t considered - I think I’d be less conflicted if he wasn’t as keen

I would peel away all your worries about him, moving away from your family etc, as the one reason for a termination that shines through your long post is that the time is not right for you. Many relationships falter and you could be left as a struggling single parent who resents her wasted youth. If it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. Good luck for tomorrow (whatever you decide)

Take care OP and do what you think is best x

Take a deep breath. What would be the hardest thing to do? The hardest thing to do is usually the right decision as it’s the one we normally shy from. This is YOUR decision, follow your instincts and don’t look back. Whatever you choose is the right decision at the time and you should have no regrets whatever you choose. It is no ones choice but yours and no one can judge. Good luck whatever you decide.

@ElephantsAlltheWayDown

Oh, love. I don't think any of us can really advise you but I agree it sounds like you have plans with your life that you'd like to see through before having a baby. For what it's worth, I had an abortion many years ago, and while at the time part of me was unsure, my head won over my heart and I went ahead with it. I've never had any regrets, and don't really think about it at all now. I also now have two gorgeous children, and am able to give them a much better quality of life than I would have been able to then.

Is there a way you could explore your feelings a bit more? My mother always said to flip a coin and try to feel your immediate gut reaction when you see whether it's heads or tails. I know it's just a simple technique but might help point you a little ways towards clarity.

If you're really unsure then you may want to postpone the appointment if you have time to.

Huge hugs to you. It's such a difficult position to be in.

Thank you! This has helped I hope I can feel this way too if I go ahead as right now I’m just an emotional wreck!