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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

I want the baby but partner doesn't

55 replies

dontthinksoman · 13/10/2019 13:22

I've posted on miscarriage as I'm not sure if the baby is viable or not but I just needed to talk this through.

I've only been with my partner since February- we are stable and live together and discussed babies but decided it's not yet the right time.

Last week, after experiencing sickness and other symptoms we did a test together and found I was pregnant.

Long story short- he doesn't want the baby yet but I do. He asked me to book a termination which I did for him, thinking I could always cancel.

He has said he is sorry he just can't do it. I don't feel strong enough to be a single parent. And now I've probably lost the baby.

I have to decide how I feel about my partner now too. And really try not to be angry or think he's glad.

OP posts:
Csleeptime · 13/10/2019 13:35

Why have you lost the baby? You shouldn't book a termination if you don't want one. Have you actually told him how you feel? This is a good way to find out if he really is a good partner for you or just wants everything his way anyway. You don't want a partner who pressure you in something so significant, so figure thay out too. You can be a single parent, thoudands are. It's your choice not his.

helpmum2003 · 13/10/2019 13:37

How old are you and him? What was the contraception used?

timshelthechoice · 13/10/2019 13:40

I'd get rid of him and not rush into something so quickly next time. If you don't want a termination then don't have one but you need to accept that this means you'll be a lone parent.

Bouffalant · 13/10/2019 13:42

You've been together 8 months?!

Original poster
dontthinksoman · 13/10/2019 16:26

Yes we are in our 40s and been together 8 months and I was in the pill intermittently because we were TTC then decided the time wasn't right.

He basically said he doesn't want the baby but he want children just not yet and where I'm willing to budge a bit and say the time is never right, he said he doesn't want it now. I booked the appointment as he asked me to and although he said if I had the baby he would take responsibility , it would screw up our relationship.

I don't know if I've miscarried or not but I was bleeding 😥

OP posts:
LatteLover12 · 13/10/2019 16:44

You need to separate the two issues at the moment; the relationship and the pregnancy.

What do you want?

At 40 you are more likely to struggle to conceive again quickly so a termination of a longed for pregnancy might be difficult to recover from if you feel forced into it.

If the relationship is more important then a termination might be the only way forward to salvage things but could you realistically see yourself staying with someone who insisted you had a termination?

peachgreen · 13/10/2019 16:47

If you're in your 40s and he doesn't want a baby "yet", what he means is that he doesn't want a baby. Only you can know if that's a dealbreaker for you.

Whether or not to have an abortion is entirely your choice.

Mimsnethe · 13/10/2019 16:50

If you’re in your 40s and he doesn’t want a baby “yet” what he’s saying is he doesn’t want a baby with you.

You need to decide whether or not you wish to terminate, but it sounds like the relationship is going nowhere so take that into account.

Do you have children already or could this be your last chance?

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2019 16:51

If you are pregnant and bleeding I'd concentrate on whether you need to be seen at hospital or not.

If he's saying not yet at your age, he means let's procrastinate til it's too late. If you're still pregnant, keep the baby if you want him and let him decide what he wants to do.

Original poster
dontthinksoman · 15/10/2019 07:49

I'm still really struggling with this and in complete turmoil. I think I want the baby but he is adamant I have to have an abortion. I get his reasoning completely but I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 15/10/2019 07:53

If you don't want a termination, he can't make you have one. It sounds like you want a baby and at age 40 this is possibly your only chance. How would you feel about bringing up the baby as a single parent?

Unfortunately this situation almost always results in ending the relationship. Either you keep the baby and he leaves because he doesnt want it, or you have an abortion and resent him for it and leave.

Original poster
dontthinksoman · 15/10/2019 07:53

Does anyone know who I could talk to about this?

OP posts:
userxx · 15/10/2019 07:56

He can't force you to have a termination, He doesn't sound like a nice man, can you have the baby on your own?

Original poster
dontthinksoman · 15/10/2019 07:57

Thank you beanbag. I need to decide on my own wether I want this baby or not and work on from there. Thank you

OP posts:
userxx · 15/10/2019 08:02

When is the appointment for?

Clayplease · 15/10/2019 08:10

Could you look up a local 'Relate' counselling service? We saw a brilliant woman as a couple when I was pregnant with our first and our relationship was on the rocks. 9 years later we are still together (I'd say happier than ever) and have 2 kids. My partner was VERY reluctant to go but within 10 mins of being in the session he had softened and realised it was actually a good thing.

Original poster
dontthinksoman · 15/10/2019 08:14

The appointment is on Friday. I am living in his house, I can work but won't have a lot of money. I do actually have children but they're adults.

OP posts:
Troels · 15/10/2019 08:16

Well to me, him saying he doesn't want the baby and telling you to book the termination is pretty much the end of the relationship anyway. If you terminate and never get pregnant again, seeing you are already 40, you will resent him. If you go ahead and he doesn't want it, you are over too.
So forget about what he wants. Do what is right for you.
At 40 this may well be the last time you find yourself pregnant, but then there is no knowing for sure.

Original poster
dontthinksoman · 15/10/2019 08:22

I feel like it is the end too. I'm just gutted and don't know what to do. I still really love him.

OP posts:
AiryFairyMum · 15/10/2019 08:28

Take the chance now OP. Don't be pushed into anything. You can do this.

Smiler88 · 15/10/2019 08:28

If hes not ready for a baby at 40, he never will be. You havent been together long though which is probably an issue for him. Bleeding doesnt always mean miscarriage - ive had it with both of my pregnancies and the babies were ok! you need to go to your GP and get them to do a blood test 2 days apart to measure your HCG levels. Or if youre beyond 8 weeks you could get a scan privately. This may not be your last chance to fall pregnant, it may happen again! Although because youre both older its more likely to be difficult, but for some people it happens whenever. First i think you need to find out the cause of the bleeding then go from there.

Branleuse · 15/10/2019 08:42

this might be your last chance

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2019 16:23

OP have you been checked out, are you ok?
You say the kids are adults - if he kicks you out would they be a temporary option?

he is adamant I have to have an abortion. I get his reasoning completely but I just don't know what to do. he DOESN'T get to tell you what to do with your body. If he didn't want one, he should have used better contraception

helpmum2003 · 16/10/2019 09:29

This sounds horrendous. Firstly concentrate on your current medical needs. If the pregnancy is viable then you need to decide what you want to do. Could you speak to someone at your GP surgery or sexual health clinic? If you attend the abortion clinic there is also an opportunity to talk.

helpmum2003 · 16/10/2019 09:29

Sorry posted too soon, will continue

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