47 years old - is termination the most sensible decision?

[roominthesky]

Just that really: last baby 5 years ago. Thought my family was complete, got divorced and had just started HRT, got complacent and careless in a new relationship. Now 7 weeks pregnant, termination can't be carried out till 12 weeks due to waiting times. Date is booked but I'm going through absolute agonies with the decision.

It's a new relationship, he's a lot older and doesn't want children. I haven't told him. I feel stupid and ashamed. I left an abusive marriage and thought I'd found happiness. My gut feeling is that the relationship will end if I tell him. I had high blood pressure and heavy blood loss after my last child. I'm worried about the health risks to me and risk of a disabled child. The financial burden would be very difficult and I would be on my own with little support. The risk of miscarriage is 60%.

I feel incredibly stunned and lucky to be pregnant at this age. It's not the child's fault its mother is stupid. I've always welcomed pregnancy, even unplanned. I feel selfish when other women going through IVF would do anything to be in this position. This would be my last pregnancy and I would love the child, even if disabled.

The pros are emotional, the cons are pragmatic. I know the sensible choice is to terminate. How to find peace with that though? By all means have a go at me, I deserve it. You can't judge me any more harshly than I judge myself for this.

Absolutely no one should have a go at you.

Personally I couldn’t terminate but I’m the same age as you so completely understand how gutted you must feel.

You sound like in your heart you want the baby , so I would hesitate to terminate if you feel like that.

If you can afford it you can have a NIPT blood test from 9 weeks which may lay some of your worries about disabilities to rest. Obviously it doesn't test for all of them but it's a helpful start, and is much earlier than the scan plus bloods at 12+ weeks.

I am 44 and 12 weeks pregnant with my 6th child, my youngest is 3. I felt ambiguous about it (still do, some of the time) as I didn't want to go through pregnancy again. But I know I will love the baby when it's here, it's the pregnancy I'm not keen on. However my husband is enthusiastic about the baby, so I appreciate that my situation is different.

I haven't told my children yet but I know that when I do, they will be so excited. So I'm seeing that as a positive!!

Good luck with whatever you decide. It's so hard. Try to listen to your own voice and not be too swayed by other people's opinions. Xx

You do sound as if you want to keep the baby.

Thank you - yes, I probably do want to keep it, in my heart of hearts. But it will cost me very dearly I think, and I really don't see the father sticking around. The pragmatic choice of termination is more fair to everyone, more sensible, more practical, easier long term..... I just wish I could feel at peace with it.

Very best wishes @kitty1013 for a healthy pregnancy and baby

Pragmatic, practical and sensible choices rarely come into play when emotions are involved. Would you regret the child? or the termination more ? If you terminated and the relationship ended in the future anyway that's a heavy burden to carry. Or maybe you would resent him after ? If it physically cant be done for a few weeks, you'll come to a natural decision by then as your brain processes it.

I think you know it’s daunting, but I think you also know in your heart what you want. One way or another this baby is going to affect your life, and it may be really positive.

Only you can decide what you need to do, even your new partner only has an opinion of what should be done.

I had a termination a few years ago, when I was not ready for a baby and my relationship circumstances were similar to yours, as in the father was not interested in children, and as a student I could not realistically physically or emotionally provide for a baby. It was the most painful decision I had to make, but I don't regret it.

Fast forward to now, and I am pregnant but in a much more positive personal position, things still aren't rosy with my new partner, but things are so different and I know I want to be a mum regardless of the obstacles.

OP you need to decide what you what to do as a woman and a mother, you have the choice, and whatever you decide, should be right for you. You aren't affecting anyone else by having a termination, please don't compare yourself or worry about those who have struggles, that is not your burden to bear I'm afraid x

Please take some time and remember you can change your mind at any point, and whatever you chose you will have support from many angles, and you won't be alone. Please take the time to consider what you want as much as you are what the father might want x

Also I must add that if he does leave you to make this difficult decision alone and to continue the pregnancy alone then he is a massive turd, because he could have very easily avoided this if he was that worried about having children 🙉 I'll probably get ripped apart for saying that but it's true. Contraception and pregnancy worry can't just be for women to deal with!!! Xx

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I would agree with others- if you can, get a harmony or panorama test at 9wks. Make sure the decision is based on facts- it can't rule out all disability but it rules out quite a few conditions.

I struggle with the idea a woman would have a germination she was not happy with unless the situation was v dire and it sounds like a lot of what you're concerned about might not come to pass. Would your financial situation be impossible? Would the father be able to pay any maintenance? As the only child of an older mother, I would have been delighted with a surprise younger sibling, so from the point of view of your existing child, I wouldn't be viewing it as a negative in terms of time/money. Only you know your situation, but perhaps you might feel more comfortable with it if you can fill in as many of the blanks and uncertainties as possible- that way if it still seems clear the best option is termination you'll hopefully feel more accepting of that.

If the father were suddenly removed from the equation I would go ahead and have the baby. I'd take the risk to my health (and haemorrhage is a very real risk) and I'd love a child whatever its disability. I just feel awful, because the father is a lot older than me, doesn't want children at this stage of his life and we've been so incredibly happy - I'm going to throw a massive spanner in the works and disrupt what has been so precious to find after so many years in an unhappy marriage. We'd spoken hypothetically about children and he was adamant - no. His are adults and parents themselves. If I go ahead, I force him to accept another 18 years of involvement with a child he didn't want. He's almost retirement age, he can't support me. I will struggle to support myself. I can well imagine how disappointed he will be in me. This is a mess, I feel like utter crap at having been so careless. I had just gone on to hrt and was due to get a coil. I slipped up. I never thought this would happen at my age. What a bloody fool I am.

How do you feel after writing that. It’s very clear. Does that make your mind up?

Why don’t you discuss it with him, you are open minded here. It’s not the same as a hypothetical situation. I’m not saying he’s going to change his mind - but we are strangers on the internet - and he’s actually involved

Talking to strangers is helping me work out how I feel, but of course you're right.

As you are 47, realistically he probably never imagined more children were possible. If he had said he wanted more children, he would effectively have been saying he didn’t see a future with you. So I wouldn’t write him off just yet.

Whether or not he wants to be in a child’s life, he still has an obligation to pay maintenance, which you will need.

As your youngest child is 5, that isn’t such a big gap.

Good luck.

Personally I would choose my dc over a dp. Whatever my age.

Stop taking all the blame. You weren't wrong to assume you couldn't get pregnant but it doesn't sound like he took any precautions.

It is entirely up to you and only you can decide - you are the one who will live with the decision. Don't feel guilty - you did nothing wrong and tried to take all the precautions you could.

The thing is either decision will have its upsides and downsides and you will have to make peace with whatever decision you make.

Personally, I would terminate in these circumstances (I would have terminated at 47 even if it was my husband's) because I couldn't have dealt with the impact on my existing children and their lives. But at 47 my youngest would have been 10, not 5, so maybe that would make a difference.

I hesitate to tell you to talk to your partner until you've made up your mind because I don't think you should be put under pressure to terminate.

Personally I would choose my dc over a dp. Whatever my age.

I don't think it is fair to characterise it like this. At the moment she doesn't have a dc to consider. She has had a positive pregnancy test.

Struggle to support yourself? How is your general health? Would your child be thrown into responsibilities before his or her time in the future? Surely the father will have to help financially. It is like choosing between your partner and child. What kind of life do you see for you and your child? Sorry your in this position. What ever your choice I hope you will be at peace with it. Life is so hard at times.

Have you been offered any counselling?

It's looking at the bigger picture too. With out a supportive DP life for everyone would be a lot harder. You can't assume he'll jump for joy once he knows.

As another said, could you afford the panorama test right away? That would eliminate, or show up, chromosomal abnormalities and you would then perhaps feel clearer in your mind either way.

Your first responsibility is to your existing DC. How old are they and what's their relationship with their father like? Who would look after them if something happened to you? What impact would another child (potentially with disabilities) have on their lives, financially, socially, in terms of housing etc?

I wouldn't risk my health and would be thinking of the child I have. If I'd found happiness in a relationship I would cherish that.

roominthesky - I do get that talking to us on internet helps clarify your thoughts
I re read your posts and you say that it has been wonderful with this man. If you go through a termination in secret you risk losing the relationship, because you will be so upset for no obvious reason.
You sound like you have very real health concerns - maybe unfortunately a termination is the best solution and I don’t say that lightly. But I don’t think you should be dealing with this alone.

I would keep the baby but tell your partner.