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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

47 years old - is termination the most sensible decision?

59 replies

roominthesky · 12/03/2018 23:06

Just that really: last baby 5 years ago. Thought my family was complete, got divorced and had just started HRT, got complacent and careless in a new relationship. Now 7 weeks pregnant, termination can't be carried out till 12 weeks due to waiting times. Date is booked but I'm going through absolute agonies with the decision.

It's a new relationship, he's a lot older and doesn't want children. I haven't told him. I feel stupid and ashamed. I left an abusive marriage and thought I'd found happiness. My gut feeling is that the relationship will end if I tell him. I had high blood pressure and heavy blood loss after my last child. I'm worried about the health risks to me and risk of a disabled child. The financial burden would be very difficult and I would be on my own with little support. The risk of miscarriage is 60%.

I feel incredibly stunned and lucky to be pregnant at this age. It's not the child's fault its mother is stupid. I've always welcomed pregnancy, even unplanned. I feel selfish when other women going through IVF would do anything to be in this position. This would be my last pregnancy and I would love the child, even if disabled.

The pros are emotional, the cons are pragmatic. I know the sensible choice is to terminate. How to find peace with that though? By all means have a go at me, I deserve it. You can't judge me any more harshly than I judge myself for this.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 14/03/2018 19:49

My concern would be who is going to look after your other DC you if you are unwell, who is going to help with you other DC if the baby is disabled in a way that massively impacts on your time and finances?

It is really tough but love isn't always enough

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 14/03/2018 19:50

Please don’t beat yourself up over this - even with contraception in place there is always a tiny risk of pregnancy. The only 100% effective way is abstinence.

Honestly, whatever you decide, if this relationship is as lovely as you have said you should be able to talk to him about this. That’s not to say that he has the deciding vote either way, just that it will impact on your mental health if you decide to terminate and don’t tell him. It may well spell the end of your relationship and he won’t know why (or you will end up telling him when it’s too late and the resentment has already built up).

Please talk to him, allow him to be supportive of you emotionally and do him the courtesy of at least being informed of the situation. If you feel you can’t talk to him then is this really a relationship that is going to last?

I agree to some extent that your first responsibility is to your existing children. If this will impact on your ability to care for and support them you do need to think carefully and make a decision with your head as well as your heart.

I hope you are able to make peace with your choice and that your relationship continues to bring you such happiness

jemmstar1980 · 14/03/2018 19:51

Can you not talk to your partner - having gone through a termination myself I can’t imagine you will be able to hide it from him and continue your relationship in a normal manner?

Quartz2208 · 14/03/2018 19:54

He got just as complacent as you (and really if he does think its your fault then he is not someone to be happy with). It takes two to make a baby and contraception is not the sole responsibility of the woman

Secondly I think the first thing to do is talk to him - I agree with a PP your wont be able to hide it from him and it could spell the end of your relationship. Let him decide how he will act and take it from there

JackietheBackie · 14/03/2018 20:01

I think you should talk to your partner. If he is a good man, he will support you through whatever desicion you make.

However, at 47, it is likely to be a tough pregnancy. Even if you had no other children and a lot of financial support, it would be tough. I am 44 now and I wouldn’t have another baby. I still get broody, I am sad that my baby days are behind me, but physically and emotionally it would be too hard.

How do you make peace with having a termination- by accepting that you made a hard choice, that was in yours and your existing children’s best interest. You have worked hard for a long time. You deserve to have some easier years.

Anatidae · 14/03/2018 20:08

There is nothing whatsoever to judge you for. Contraception is never 100% perfect, and both parties are equally responsible for having sex!

The choice of what to do is yours entirely, but please leave aside any notions of guilt or judgement.

I often think that there are very few decisions where we truly don’t know what to do. I’ve always suspected that what we are actually doing when we ask for advice like this is to justify the choice we have already made subconsciously. To test this a pretend I’m forced into each choice and ask myself how I feel about it. Usually one produces a stronger reaction.

Wishing you peace of mind whatever you choose

greendale17 · 14/03/2018 20:13

I'd take the risk to my health (and haemorrhage is a very real risk)

What about your existing children? You need to put their needs first

Original poster

roominthesky · 14/03/2018 20:34

Pragmatism has to win out, doesn't it? It just does. And I'm so flat on the floor with the weight of this. Yes, I do have to talk to the father, and I will. But not till I know for certain what I want. I never want to feel I was pressured either way.

OP posts:

Original poster

roominthesky · 14/03/2018 20:36

Thank you, it really does help to voice it here and hear what people say. I've never felt so alone with anything.

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SprogletsMum · 14/03/2018 20:43

I would think really carefully about the practical sides of this.
I'm not wanting to be horrible but when I found out I was pregnant with dc4 I had a head v heart situation with needing a termination but not wanting one. I let the emotional side win and continued with the pregnancy. I love dc4 completely, but if I had a time machine I wouldn't have let the emotions win. All of the thoughts I had about how hard life would be were exactly right. I know it's a horrible decision to make but I would really think about the impact continuing the pregnancy will have on the people who are already here, and that includes you.

OutsideContextProblem · 14/03/2018 20:51

How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow morning miscarrying? Relieved to have the burden of choice removed from you (even if you had conflicted feelings of guilt about feeling that way) or genuinely devastated?

Best wishes to you whatever happens - it must be so tough.

pallisers · 14/03/2018 21:04

How do you make peace with having a termination- by accepting that you made a hard choice, that was in yours and your existing children’s best interest.

This is very good advice.

lougle · 14/03/2018 21:23

You can't wind the clock back. Whatever you decide, your life has changed, because you know that you are pregnant. You didn't slip up. There were two people, doing what people in relationships do, and the two of you didn't have enough contraception to prevent a pregnancy. It's a shared experience with a shared outcome. So you can't blame yourself.

You've listed all the reasons why you should make your decisions. I do think you should tell your DP, before you've settled on a decision. I think that's the only way you can make an informed decision.

RandomMess · 14/03/2018 21:54

It is one of those situations that until it happens to you the weight of it is unimaginable

GColdtimer · 14/03/2018 22:16

I think I would have to put my children first. If there is a risk to your health then I think there's your answer.

appleblossomtree · 14/03/2018 22:26

How would you feel if you had a termination and then your partner ended things a few months down the line anyway?

skischoolhelp · 14/03/2018 22:28

If your concern is health of the baby get a cvs done (I think it can be done privately from 10 weeks) then you know your risk accurately - it can reduce from maybe 1 in 4 at your age to 1 in 10,000 for example.

Pandoraphile · 14/03/2018 22:59

Advice from a very wise, old GP when I was a pregnant teenager and uncertain what to do.

"You can only make the decision that is right for you at this very moment in time."

kitty1013 · 15/03/2018 11:09

Skischool - I don't know why you would suggest a CVS over NIPT??

VioletteValentia · 15/03/2018 11:17

Don’t have a termination you don’t want. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

skischoolhelp · 15/03/2018 14:03

kitty - probably because I have never heard of NIPT and I thought CVS was the only option that would tell you for
certain if there was a problem or not very early in pregnancy. In this situation when risks are so high due to age I believed it to be the best choice as you could then terminate if you wanted before anyone else need be aware of the pregnancy.

Sunshineworshipper · 19/03/2018 22:12

I think you should tell your partner. Have you spoke to a specialist about the risks to you and the baby and are they clear or is there a chance all can be okay? It's not an easy decision after just going through a surgical termination with complications, I feel empty and grief stricken now. Make sure you think about this fully. Also be prepared for a hormonal rollercoaster. Much love

JauntyAngle · 19/03/2018 22:18

I would not have the baby in your situation. It's all very well to say you'll regret a termination forever, but having this baby could have huge ramifications. Your health, your children, your relationship. All huge things to consider.

Original poster

roominthesky · 26/03/2018 19:47

Just wanted to update and thank everyone who kindly helped me think things through. I decided to go ahead with termination, even though I was hugely conflicted, however the scan showed a blighted ovum and therefore it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I continued with the termination process to end the pregnancy and felt/feel huge relief that the decision had already been taken from me. The whole experience has taught me a lesson in empathy and compassion for anyone going through such a tough time. I would have said I was pro choice but there's no substitute for understanding from the inside. Thank you for the kindness and lack of judgement on this thread.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/03/2018 20:00

speedy recovery in every way

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