please help- absolute agony over decision

[silverbgirl]

I am pregnant with #4. Baby #3 was already unplanned, it was a hell pregnancy my husband didnt want it at all. I tried to have an abortion and couldnt do it. Baby #3 has been a delight and we all love her to bits and its all worked out...until now. She is only 9 months old, we were using protection...I have no idea how this is possible.... but here I am.

Husband and mother are insisting I terminate. I will have no help, (my mother is abroad) We cant afford it, I am so stressed already with 3 I dont know how to cope with two small babies, its like twins. I was let go from my job while pregnant with #3, we are being evicted, my husband is not making enough to support us. In so many ways I agree we cannot cope with 4. I also feel cruel to make my 3 suffer more than we already are.

But I also dont feel I can go through with the termination. It makes me feel sick just thinking about the appointment that is booked for this friday. I cry every day, my husband says it will be fine, but I know I wont be fine either way, baby or no baby I feel my life is over. He might leave us if I dont terminate. I might leave if I do, as I cant seem to cope with either outcome. I have been having suicidal thoughts...I dont want a fourth baby to ruin our family and I dont want to regret and never forgive myself and go into depression over the termination.

I cant sleep, I cant eat as I am so nauseous at 8 weeks.
any and all past experiences or advice so welcome!

Firstly, you sound like your on a total panic, like I was 4 weeks ago...i terminated my 3rd....due to no support already with the ones I have, if its not 100% in your heart dont do it, the emotional pain is very hard, if I could rewind I would not have terminated, things would have been hard but I would have been ok. Do u have anyone more supportive to talk to?

If you do not feel 100% certain that a termination is the right decision for you, then DO NOT DO IT. It matters not what your mother thinks; it does matter a bit what your OH thinks....but....in the end it is you who has to live with your action and you alone. Do not let anyone else sway you.

You have already said that you were in the same situation with baby 3, who is now greatly loved.

I worked with women who had had pregnancies terminated and it is not always the easy solution that it seems on the surface; so many were left to deal with the unexpected psychological circumstances.

It is the right decision for some; but not the right decision if it does not come from you but is what others want.

Be strong.

Horrible situation. I think you need to focus on your existing children. Three is a lot of kids already. How would another kid affect them and their opportunities in life?

Google crisis pregnancy, there are numbers that come up, try calling one.......u seem like your being pressured into a choice from what you wrote. please dont panic. X

Blossom is right, there is not a single day and hour I do not think about what I have done....and wish I had not......if its not 100% your choice do not do it. Yes, there are women who deal with it ok....i thought I would be one of them...i was not. I am slowly getting better and trying to forgive myself but its hard...if your already saying your suicidual that is not going to help, your 3rd baby will be over a year old in another 7 months...do your other children go to nusery or school? If ur on a low income I think u can have nusery at 2 years of age....you could also look into working from home? X

You are all correct. I am in a panic! I feel like I can't breathe.

As a mother I just don't feel like I can through with it and I am not 100% sure.

But at the same time I feel like I am jeopardising the family I already have. We are really struggling. I have no job, no savings and soon we will be moving into a 2 bed flat as we can't afford anything more. My husband will not support this baby #4... he is still not thrilled about #3. The baby is an easy baby, sleeps,etc, but the financial burden and way its preventing me from working is what is so upsetting.He sees a termination as responsible and the best for us and that I am crazy for even thinking of otherwise.

My older two are in school. But I have desperately been trying to find a job that brings in more than the cost of childcare and I can't find it.

I feel so trapped. And the appointment is this week.

Remember, you're only 8 weeks. In 7 months time your little one will be older. Things will have moved on. This too shall pass. Babies need little, and you already have all the "stuff" from your littlest. The older ones will start school, life gets easier then. 4 is easier than 3 - I've always said if we had a third we'd have a fourth.

It's you that has to go through with it. It's you either way. What is worse for you? Genuinely, truly?

There is support for you either way. You're never alone.

Going from 2dc to 3 was harder than going from 3 to 4. .
No middle child, and you and dh have a hand to hold each. .
I have 11 and don't regret any.

Husband is being more supportive and kinder... but still keeps insisting we can't manage. I have to agree.

Yes in terms of baby stuff we will get by... but 4x food when they get older... kids need clothes and food and I just can't get my head around it. I agree we will be stretched... and I will be too, I am not some sort of super mum. We only wanted two. I have no idea what twist of fate makes birth control not work for us... now I have to get my tubes tied I guess, as we have had two mistakes with different methods.

I don't want the baby. But I don't want an abortion. Either way seems lose lose. Either way seems torture. Either way my relationship and my mental state will be severely affected.

I can't tell you what to do. Objectively and logistically though - 2 adults and potentially 4 children in a 2 bed flat? Already struggling financially and relationship under pressure? I can only see one sensible way forward.. I'm inclined to agree with your dh and DM. However, it really can only be your decision. Best of luck to you

I really feel for you. And I think you are dammned if you do and dammned if you don't. The way I would look on it is if I had a termination then I would carry the burden for the rest of my life. That decision wouldn't affect my three children. But if I had the baby then that could affect my three children's lives dramatically, especially if their father left. And six people in a two bed flat would be very tough longterm. The best advice I can give you though is to try and get someone to talk to before Friday - maybe try googling to see if any women's charities can help you. If you DO decide to have the termination then make sure you get counselling afterwards, to help you come to terms with it. Maybe talk to a friend or two about this. But don't be pushed into your decision by your DH and his MIL. Your body, your choice. But I send you massive hugs and hope that whatever decision you make , you make it fir the right reasons for you and your kids - not just because you get bullied into it . X

Thanks everyone.
It really helps hearing outside perspectives.

It's so hard to even think clearly when you are pregnant... that's what other people don't have to face.
I already have a belly... it's agony.
I tried the Marie stopes therapy with #3... they mostly listened, really didn't say much. I wasn't that impressed.
What scares me even more is that I can't get any counselling on the NHS. I have already used up my 10 sessions last year... I got free counselling during the pregnancy, as I was consider high risk for post natal depression- but once I had the baby I got nothing.

I really don't know how I will cope after an abortion and part of me thinks that it too will put my family at risk. What kind of mum will I be after?

And what kind of mum will I be crammed into a tiny flat with two babies and no money and possibly no husband.

This honestly feels like the lowest point in my life.
But again, thanks for all the opinions... I appreciate it

And I can't talk to friends. One was very understanding and agreed i should abort, but then admitted she deeply deeply regrets her own abortion and has never gotten over it.

The other friend is trying to listen but is a strict Christian and feels abortion is wrong and I should just pray, and all kids bring only joy.

It's hard to talk to people and I don't feel like telling everyone

There is no point in regrets. You're going to have to make the best decision that you can for your family. Can you talk it through more with your husband. Obviously it's your body but whatever decision you make will affect both of you for the rest of your lives. So making it together would be best. Good luck OP.

On thr opposite side.

I ahd an abortion. While thinking about iy does not fill me with happiness, i have never regretted it. Not for a moment.

It was slightly different circumstances. But it was the right decision at that time for me and my family. So i am not filled with regret. I feel sad things werent better at the time. But i cant change that now and i couldnt then.

I have accepted that i had to make a very hard upsetting decision with the circumstances i had at the time. Given different circumstances i would have kept the baby.

I am not saying you should have an abortion. Or you shouldn't.

Just that an abortion doesnt have to colur the rest of your life. It doesnt have to define the mother that you are or will be. You can have an abortion and make peace with it.

Good luck whatever you decide

and all kids bring only joy.

Also, i am sorry but that just bullshit.

Children are a joy. But they also come with a bucketload of responsibility and stress. In any circumstances. Saying a baby only brings joy is just not true.

3 to 4 is not a huge transition and your mental health sounds at risk if you do abort. Your husband and mother should not be pressuring you to make a decision that only affects your body. If your husband didn't want more kids he should have had the snip.

Huge sympathy for you in this dilemma.

I wouldn't normally suggest this as usually on these threads the op has a clear preference for one or the other option but is battling family or partner who want the other choice but you genuinely want neither.

There is a third choice. No less heartbreaking than the other two. You could consider continuing the pregnancy until birth and then giving up the child for adoption by someone who longs for a child but can't conceive or has had a string of miscarriages. This is a tough path and not many take it, but it's worth considering.

Part of the process you need to go through is accepting that there is no path open do you that doesn't lead to pain, grief and loss. Your choice is not which path will minimise these but merely which kind of anguish you will live with. Councelling if done well ought to help with this.

Good luck OP and whatever you choose, your future self must be kind and forgiving to your present self who is in this impossible situation. Whatever you choose you will have regrets but please accept that whatever choice you make is the best choice you are capable of making right now, so when you have those doubts please forgive yourself.

I'm sorry you are faced with this difficult decision op. No one can decide for you, of course and there are lots of things to take into account. Sometimes difficulty in making a choice means you need more information. [and time to consider]

I can only tell you my story in that I had a termination after dc3 - mostly it was a financial decision and due to the fact that I wanted to have time and energy for her. I hated this decision and was very sad but it was absolutely the right decision - she is 28 now.

I regretted having to terminate but it would have been much worse for me to regret having a baby after they arrived.

Whatever you choose it's important not to beat yourself up about it.

On the 4 kids 2 adults in a 2 bed flat - my friend did this. Then they moved and rented the flat out, and after about 18 months moved from a much bigger house back to the flat because it was actually easier in the flat.

I think whatever your decision, it won't be easy and you have my sympathies. I think maybe you choose the least wrong option whatever that is for you - there isn't a right decision. I know what I would do but I'm not you so that's not helpful.

Take care of yourself as best you can x

:( if your family were more supportive would you want to keep the baby? Do you want to keep the baby? I never in my life thought I would terminate but I did...first weeks I felt like an emotional mess, I am getting better....but it a very hard choice to make. You could put the child up for fostering.......until you get on your feet....what about another family member? you do need to talk to someone before friday, there are numbers if u google crisis pregnancy. Why would your husband leave his kids? I think thats a threat....not very nice considering your in a panic.

In my panic I told nobody apart from one person. I am not blaming this person but they agreed with all my negative comments and my fears. I was saying things like ".what if I die" "i am not going to cope" "i cant do this" this person agreed with my fears. I was in a massive massive panic......no part of me eas thinking

What about adoption? There is always that compromise! V painful route i know but a newborn from an uncomplicated background would be the answer to someones prayers. I am not underestimating how hard that would be for you of course just putting it out there. Best wishes whatever you decide to do silver x

Was thinking clearly, and the pregnancy hormones were very intense, I was a crying mess before I even knew I was pregnant, then 10 days after finding out I took the pill. All I could think about was getting it over, I did not think about my.own mental health, I did not think about the pregnancy. I wish I had found a clear space

Oh OP what a situation

I agree with some other posters. Do you think you can sit down and have another chat with DH?

If you did have the support of your mum!, do you think that would sway you to either option more?