Please read my post, feel a monster

[Featherweather]

Hi girls/mums

I am 42 and got pregnant at first try. Boyfriend is 49 and we have been dating for 7 months. We have been talking about babies before and back then I thought I wanted a child, but when I found out I told him in a weepy voice. I did one more Sainsburys test, that was positive, too, and did 2 more at the doctors, positive, too, and I missed my period, too. When the test showed negative first, I was relieved, when they turned positive I felt aggravated.

I love babies, the smaller the better. I love toddlers, too.

My only problem is I would have wanted to spend more commitment free time with boyfriend and not become a mum so fast.

Boyfriend wants the baby very much and I think he would be a good father. We dont have a lot of money. My own relationship with my mum wasnt ideal, she had abortions which I judged and I used to say I would never have one, and now it is in the back of my mind.
I am afraid I will be a mum like mine was and I also feel that it is too early in the relationship, even if it may be my last chance biologically.

I told my boyfriend how I felt, he keeps reassuring me that he would help a lot and not leave me alone with the baby, he wants it.

If I decide not to keep it, I might lose boyfriend, I think, if I go ahead with it, I might do what I`ve always done all my life, consider others first, not what I want. I may be in a situation that I did not want and have to carry it on for at least 20 years.

I also never thought I would want a termination. I don`t even kill spiders.

I should feel happy, I think the ideal situation is to feel happy when someone is growing inside you. When I wake up, I always feel as if wake up to a reality that I am not happy with.
I feel so selfish. I feel I am not able to concentrate on somebody else for the rest of my life. This boyfriend is my first ever nice boyfriend, previously I had only short and impossible relationships.

I do have lighter moments when I can actually imagine having a baby and even being happy about it, and thinking termination is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Then, starting in the afternoons, the "no" side creeps up and culminates in calling BF telling him how I feel.

I wrote to an analyst I know for help.

I didn't want to read and run but don't have kids so hopefully someone more experienced can answer with better advice. My first thought is that I think you need to have some counselling and explore further how you feel about this. Lots of women feel a mix of emotions when they get pregnant. It's an enormous life changing thing and your hormones will be all over the place. Try to remain calm and really explore both options. I definitely think you need to seek some RL support. How far along are you? I don't think there is always a 'perfect' time to have a baby, from what Ive seen most people just muddle through brilliantly because the 'perfect' time may never arrive. Good luck OP

I think everyone had second thoughts at first. Consider you are 42 and you may not conceive again or at least not easily. Definitely see if you can get counselling. Whatever you choose to do is right because it is what is right for you and that doesn't make you a monster.

(sighs)
Thank you
I am about 6 weeks, I stopped counting. I called Marie Stopes today and wrote to BPAS, too. Talked to BF who is very supportive.

I opted for termination. I am relieved but also grieving and guilty. I wrote more about it in "Ambivalent".
Thank you all.

have you had the abortion already?

Hi mummyoftwo, yes, I have. It was so easy, that it makes me feel guilty. I passed pregnancy after first pill already but went back for second set anyway, which made me cramping and bleeding.
I am relieved but also feeling guilty and I am grieving, too. Yet, I have to say, I am relieved. The guilt comes from my beliefs (I never wanted to have an abortion, I don`t think it is something anyone should ever do, but I think we still should have the right to do this) and the grieving is normal, I suppose.