Don't want baby but too late

[Theradioandthetv]

I dont know what to do and how to do it.
Months ago I was set on not having this baby but I felt forced by midwife and DH to keep it, they kept saying it was antenatal depression and so on.
I am 37 weeks now I dont want it. I feel nothing by hate and resentment towards it.
I feel sick when it moves.
I am exhausted and sore, I cant do anything and I dont want it inside my body.
DH was supportive but now he is ignoring me because he knows it is too late for me to terminate and I am forced to have it.

Can I give it up at the hospital? I know DH will leave me but I cant have it. It already has and will ruin our marriage and I wish I could go back.

I am so hoping something goes wrong and I lose it naturally. It is all statistics and so many stillbirths I hope it is me and not some deserving and loving mum.

What are my options??? How do I give it up? Or should I just leave DH aftet the birth??

I so wish I could go back in time and have my body and my life back.

Not fair on the child knowing he was never loved and nothing but a huge mistake, I was told I wasnt going to be able to have children

Oh thank you to the ladies that have said they felt a little bit of this.
Maybe this is helping a bit.

All my friends with babies and my family have acted and said all along how much they loved being pregnant and how having babies is so amazing and how happy I must be and so on.

And I fear this slowly has been making me feel as if obviously there is something wrong with me because I have hated the pregnancy and I feel nothing for the baby.

And for months now my mum has been asking about the baby all the time and wanting to stay with us and I know as much as I dont love this baby I dont wish him to have my mum around.

And I want to think that DH can be happy with the baby and I go.

I have been very good at being very healthy during this pregnancy so please dont think that I have been bad to the baby.

I think I have been given much advice tonight and some comments that make me think it is sad that this might be a reason why people always play happy mums, because if you speak up your mind you get awful things said to you.

But some of us are trying very hard to be happy and to love without success.

I think I will think about all the advice and see how I feel in the morning.

I have a doctor appointment on Friday that I was going to use for something else but I could do this instead.

Thank you all.

Some really lovely supportive posts on here. Radio you've taken. Huge step tonight to post on here. I'm sorry o don't have much advice to give. I do think you need to seriously think about seeking help from a mental health crisis team. You need to look after yourself? I'm so sorry your going through this. Take care

It seems to me like that midwife did everything to keep you from getting an abortion and I would want to tear her head apart if she did what she did to OP to me. I think 40 weeks is around the time of due date so maybe just carry on until then and then decide to either give up the baby for adoption. Your husband is one of those feeble men who try to trap women with a baby then fuck off to do whatever. If anger motivates you then let it give you the energy you need to take day by day.

What is a mother and baby placement?

I dont think I would be a good mum anyhow, DH is a better person.

Please go back to your GP tomorrow and demand antidepressants OP. Tell them exactly what you have told us. ADs will help in the short term while you figure the rest out. Most people I know have had some sort of Depression about having a baby, half of them took ADs prenatally - not saying that is all there is to it because it sounds very upsetting and confusing, but you sound like you just feel so awful and you really deserve something to help you right now.

Sending you love and

Psychiatrist here. I have name changed for this as I generally do not discuss my profession on the internet.

However I am very concerned about you. You may not have a diagnosis of depression and I cannot and would never attempt to make a diagnosis on such little information & not meeting the person- but you do not sound well at present. There are lots of of mental health problems that can happen during pregnancy that are distinct from depression and can give you feelings like the ones you describe.

That said, not wanting the baby doesn't mean you're automatically unwell- lots of women I've seen for issues just like the ones you describe do have unwanted pregnancies, but your thoughts about hurting the baby or yourself are really worrying.

I would urge you to get help as soon as practicable. I'm sorry you don't have much in the way of family/friend support- can you have an honest conversation with your DH? Depending on where you live there are lots of different services and emergency MH services are available 24/7. You aren't likely to be able to see someone specialised in perinatal MH at this time of night but if you really feel like hurting yourself/baby you need to get yourself to safety - be that via the maternity unit, GP out of hours, emergency MH services etc and then you will be supported until you can see a professional. Maternity units often have midwives who have MH qualifications.

I have spoken to women who have told me really similar stories to yours. Some of them have felt differently when baby is born; some have not. Everyone is different and no-one should judge you. It is however your DH baby too and I am really not sure about what PP have said about giving it up at the hospital- although it won't be registered as just born, I imagine DH would retain some parental rights. I am really not sure though so don't take that as gospel- maybe someone with legal training can advise at a later time once you have got help for the immediate crisis and are feeling in a place to take that kind of advice?

Good luck, and again I'm sorry this is such an awful time for you

Can people stop advising the OP that she can give the baby up for adoption as if it is simple.
It isn't.
She cannot do that if the father doesn't consent.

OP I hated being pregnant because I couldn't cope with the attention and invasion (that is how it felt) from medics and other people. I hated all the stuff I was told to do and not to do.
I took it personally. I felt under siege.
I couldn't bear people asking me if I was excited.
There is so much pressure on pregnant women now. Far more than I had with my first children.

Its no wonder that some women become anxious and depressed, Particularly if there are underlying MH issues to begin with.

Just take it all one step at a time. Don't think about the future too much. Things like who would be the better parent, whether you can be a mum or not etc. These are all unknowns right now.

Just focus on getting the support you need for the here and now. Keep posting here as long as it's helping you but please seek real life help tomorrow, I don't think you should wait until Friday.

Theradio some MH facilities have special units for new mums and their babies. They can receive treatment and support and stay with their babies.
It may feel 'safer' for you not to be expected to have total responsibility for your baby.

The post above from the psychiatrist is very good. You may not be ill but its really not something that can be discounted given your very intense feelings and thoughts.

It would be a tragedy if you walked away from your family without first getting the medical support you may need. If you get the support and you still feel the same at least you can be surer that you have made the best decision for you.
That can only help you long term.

Please seek help. And allow yourself to think that you may feel differently later on. When I had my ds I felt I didn't want to be pregnant. Everyone was excited but I felt out of control. I remember he stopped moving for a bit when I was 37 weeks and I felt relieved that it has been taken out of my hands then ashamed that I could think that way.

Then he was born and I was still numb. I looked after him but wanted to give him up for adoption then again felt ashamed. Questionning what was wrong with me and why I wasn't like the other mum's. I hardly held him and cleaned my house non stop.

Then he turned 6 weeks and smiled at me. He was such a happy little fella Then he babbled And his character came through. And he became this lovely quirky funny little boy who loved everything, especially cuddles and trains and books and music. He was amazing and we had some wonderful wonderful times. He is a big hairy teenager now but I still feel wistful for his baby and little boy years.

So what I am trying to say in a roundabout way is, you may not always feel like this. You are in the fog of hormones and feeling like your body is not your own. And it will get worse before it gets better if I am honest. But you need to make sure you are 100 percent doing the right thing because you will find it very hard to be able to reverse this once you have left. Could you give yourself a time limit? Say 3 months? You might feel very different in 3 months when you are no longer overwhelmed by hormones. And if you dont 3 months is nothing and you will at least be able to console yourself with the fact that you tried before you made this mammoth decision.

I love my son more than anyone now and I never thought I would ever feel like I do now when I was at the stage you are in pregnancy. I wish you all the best

OP, I just wanted to send a hand hold. This must be such an awful feeling and very difficult for you.

There are people and professionals out there who can help you. If you don't feel like you can articulate your feelings to them, perhaps you could show this thread?

You still have many options, but surely it's better to have some professional help to guide you through these next few weeks - you need people on your side who are supportive. No one should feel like this.

If you don't feel able to speak to someone tonight - maternity unit or then other suggestions, I think you would most definitely qualify for an emergency appointment in the morning. There's no point feeling like this if you don't have to. Seek help and be gentle on yourself.

OP, I haven't got anything much to say that hasn't already been posted here - you do sound like you need some support and help. As the psychiatrist pp said, you may not have an illness,but you do need help and you shouldn't have to bear this burden alone. Reaching out for help from either a midwife, doctor, mental health specialist or counsellor may make you feel a little more in control.
Without that support, it'll be difficult for you to make a decision about your future, especially making a decision that you won't regret later in life. Please reach out for some help as you deserve and need some support here - and your DH is too emotionally involved to be your guide in this situation.

All said and done, I think you're very brave to have posted this and you deserve better than people saying horrible things to you about this.
I'm a sub-fertile person and if my friends ever came to me with something like this, I'd want to be with them and help them every step of the way. My pain and their pain is very different and no one person's pain is any more or less important than another.

You really must get some help. If, as you suspect, there may be some antenatal depression, there is a strong possibility of postnatal depression or even puerperal psychosis developing (not wanting to frighten you, but it does happen) and because of this you definitely do need outside support.

Please remember that you are not a bad person and you do deserve help to come to a resolution that is right for you.

I felt like this the whole way through my last pregnancy. It was bloody awful.

I had hyperemesis the full 9 months, PGP and diastasis recti, so physically it was shit but emotionally I just had a constant overwhelming feeling of not wanting the baby. I cried every day and barely slept from the stress of it all. I just absolutely did not want to be pregnant. It felt intolerable.

When I found out it was a girl I had a complete meltdown and sought weekly therapy which I basically just cried through. I talked about my crappy childhood, my awful mother and about not wanting the baby. I also thought a lot about stillbirths and felt ambivalent about it. I refused an induction and discharged my self against medical advise at term.

Right up to the delivery at the pushing stage, everyone was saying how exciting it was that I'm about to meet the baby and I couldn't have given two fucks. I was just crying because I would rather have been anywhere else. It was so awful. I just had a feel of impending doom.

Then she was born and they put her on my chest and all those feeling completely disappeared. Literally vanished. Months and months of anguish - gone. I had a massive rush of love for her and have been on a high every since. Having her has made my life. I had roaring PND with my DS so kept up the therapy and so far so good. I would really find someone to talk to asap.

She is 4 months old now and just lovely. Once i'd had her I couldn't believe I had been carrying around something so amazing and felt so negatively about it. It's a total head fuck but pregnancy is weird and hideous IMO. Once it ended, I felt completely differently.

Hello OP if you truly feel this way, it may be best to speak to social services so they can sign post you to the adoption team

OP you are not an awful person . However I do think that your pregnancy may have triggered some mental health concerns. Please speak to GP and social services about his your feeling so you can receive Sind support

There are mental health mother and baby units were you can receive treatment and support but with baby with you

I also want to add that none of us are born the perfect mother, we all have to learn how to deal with a baby, that may also be scaring you.

I was barely 16 when I had my first. Did I cope - yes I did looking back - did I feel like I was a good mother, no I didn't. My mother was a useless mother, obstructed me more than helped, criticized me more than praised. Looking back I was a damn good mother to my baby, despite my very young age. I did everything right and loved my baby, kept her well fed, clothed, clean and loved. Did I make mistakes, of course I did, I am not perfect.

But it certainly didn't come easy and I was the talk of the neighbourhood for being a 15 year old pregnant slut..I had sex once, I was a virgin oh and yep I was unlucky lol...I wasn't cut out to be a mother at 16 at all.

A mother and baby placement would be ideal for you after the baby is born. You learn to care for your baby under the watchful eye of experts, in a stress free environment, they teach you the basics and they are there for you for support and counselling and it might just give you time to learn to love your baby, if the feelings you are experiencing are part of your MH status.

At least at the end of the time in the placement you will be better informed on making your decision, and they will support your husband also. It would be a kinder environment than the real world while you feel the way you do.

And yes being married to your husband means he is automatically the baby's guardian and he would have a say in what he wants for the baby, but again no one can make you want or care for a baby you don't want. While you're struggling at the moment remember it is also your MH talking too and making you feel the way you do, it may not be a real reflection of your mind usually.

I know you won't hurt your baby, you have made it so far, and despite what you are saying, you must care for him or her otherwise you wouldn't have reached out on here for help. Please get the help you need and deserve, even if it just reinforces your feelings are the correct ones down the line, there is no shame in that.

I wish you nothing but the very very best for the next few weeks and I hope you keep us updated when you can, with whats going on in your life and your baby's.Much love xxxx

Hi radio I hope you don't mind me marking a place on your thread. I'd like to reply properly and want to think about how I word it.

Please be kind to yourself and try to be calm. I'm not sure what practical support you can seek but I think a GP or even a nurse or midwife would be a good place to start.

You have been put under alot of pressure and that's not fair, you cannot help how you feel.

Take care, I'll revisit your thread and hope that I can offer some comfort as I have been in your position some years ago.

Oh Radio my heart is breaking, I entirely agree with NotJessica I would call 111 as soon as I could and I would self-admit (I'm not sure of the correct terminology) to a mental health facility. I think you need a rest more than anything with mental health professionals who can help you through this awful time. Given how you're feeling I think you should also ask for an elective cesarean as I couldn't imagine being in labour feeling as you do. I hope I don't sound judgemental in any way, I truly don't mean to at all - at this moment in your life you are not responsible for how you're feeling, being at home with your H and all of the baby's things is not an environment which is going to make you feel any better, I can only imagine that you will feel worse as your due date arrives and for your own well-being and that of the baby, being somewhere you will be truly looked after will be so much better for you. I don't thin for one moment that you are going to hurt your unborn child; that is an intrusive thought, brought about by the despair, turmoil and how out of control you feel right now. Please make the call

Heya Radio, Slightly off topic, you've mentioned a few times how much better DH is than you. This sounds way more about you than anything else. My heart absolutely breaks for you! You come across with so much self-loathing. How are you sure that you won't be a good mum? You might not want to be a good mum but thats a damn sight different from not being able to, STOP beating yourself up. Think logically what your body is going through right now- horrendous amounts of change...uncomfortable horrible bleurgh change. I think it must be easier to cope with and accept if you 'wanted' to. It must've been one hell of a shock for you finding out. Please please please push for some more help from your GP/midwife please! I'm sorry I havent got anymore advice to give but sending you massive massive hugs x

Hi OP

Nothing to add to the excellent advice already other than a big, virtual hug and hoping you get the support you need asap!

You are very brave coming on here and telling us how you feel. I hope that by doing this it is helping a little in the meantime. Absolutely no one should judge you. You are not a bad person, you're just in a bad place right now but with help and support, you will get through this. Please keep posting so we know you're ok as I'm sure others feel as I do and are worried about you xx

Oh, love. Just echoing everyone else, please get help.
The GP appointment on Friday is a good plan, why not show them this thread. If you're not coping before then, call 111. They will advise you as to the best person to see you. If you feel an immediate risk to yourself/ the baby please go to A&E or call 999.
Your midwife sounds terrible and you can ask for a different one.

@Theradioandthetv

I hope you are getting as good a sleep as you can manage.

I have sent you a PM.

radio Good morning I hope you feel calmer this morning and were able to rest last night. You're not a terrible person. You're a person under terrible stress.
Please, I know I'm not the first person to say this, but seek medical advice for yourself asap.

I also think you're really brave to have come here and ask for help. I hope you can find it in RL too.

this is such a sad situation. all is not lost. be brave and tell a gp or midwife how you are feeling - whatever you decide you should get some counselling.

i don't know anything about adoption but if that's what you decide there is every chance of you and the baby getting past this.

as for your husband who pressured you well.. it's easy for me to say.. but LTB.