I am in complete shock and need a friendly ear...

[DimNDistant]

I had a period last week, but I knew it wasn't right. It was a week early, only lasted a couple of days and the blood was dark. My last 'proper' period (I think) was 21st October. For the last few days I have had uncontrollable tiredness and a bit of nausea...and today I just suddenly thought 'I feel pregnant'. Bought a test and did it at work. I am pregnant. So possibly about 5 weeks, maybe more.

I haven't told DH yet. He is cooking dinner for me and the DC and I am hiding here feeling absolute, abject terror.

I am 39. DH is 50. We have 2 DC aged 12 and 8 yrs old. Our oldest has severe SN. Life has been very, very hard for us for years, and there is only just now some let-up from the hardship and some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

I have only just gone back to work (albeit p/t) after quite a long period at home because of our DS's needs. I love my job and I am really good at it. We have made a plan to pay off some (big) debts, and our finances are slowly getting a bit better, although money is still very tight (can't afford some essential house repairs, car about to pack up and not sure how we'll replace it etc). I'm not sure how we would manage another child financially.

Having another child would be like throwing a bomb into our lives, I think . Financially, practically, family-dynamics-wise. Not to mention the fact that DH will be so upset. He is a lovely, kind man and he will shoulder any responsibility life throws at him, but honestly...saddling him with a baby in his fifties just seems so unfair.

Yet...I am really scared about having an abortion. I am passionately pro-choice, but I had a termination some years ago in difficult circumstances and found it very traumatic. I can't imagine having to go through that again.

I am really scared. I feel incredibly guilty and stupid, although I know logically it is not my fault (we use condoms, have done for our entire 15 year marriage, never had any issues...there was no split condom at all, we never have sexual contact without a condom on first, so no idea what could have gone wrong ).

I guess I just needed to tell someone before I try to broach this with DH tonight.

I don't know what I can say really because ultimately it's your choice (and your DH). On paper, yes the logical thing would be a termination, but not necessarily emotionally.

Talk to your DH. He may surprise you? I'm guessing if he's the lovely guy you've written about he'd at least want to support you to make a decision together.

Wouldn't a termination at this really early stage be completely different, though?

Sorry, my first paragraph sounds quite harsh. A termination may not be the logical thing, but from what you've written about your other dc's, job, money, dh's age etc I can see why you would consider it.

Yes, a termination is definitely the logical thing to do. I dont really know why I am feeling so wobbly. Shock, I think.

Oh Dim, hugs. Huge, warm, reassuring hugs. You're in shock and that's completely understandable.

I was in a similar situation earlier this year - unexpectedly pg at 39 with 2 dcs, 8 and 10. No sn, but I could not face going through it again, I just couldn't feel that I could bring another child into our family int the right way. I can't explain it, I just knew. I rationalised it in many ways but really it boiled down to - I just cant have this baby.

I ended up miscarrying the day before my medical abortion. The weeks leading up to it were agonising and traumatic - but once it happened, it was just sad and unpleasant but not as awful as I thought it would be (I'm assuming medically managed miscarriage is not v different from a medical abortion).

If your Dh is as lovely as you say - talk about it with him. Together you'll know what to do.

How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow morning and you'd started miscarrying? That might help you clarify your thoughts.

It's your choice, but in your shoes yes I would have an abortion. Very best wishes for you and your family.