If you were to recommend just one book on babies/parenting for a new parent, what would it be?

[Miffster]

Because one way I cope with anxiety is to read and study and learn as much as I can about something in advance. Clearly parenting cannot be learned in a book. But neither was I born knowing how to BF or look after babies.

My mum's dead so I can't ask her. And I've tried to read the threads about childcare experts but they seem to turn into bunfights. I don't want to know who is an abusive, ignorant Nazi loon and should never have been published. I just want a good book that will help me cope with my first baby. Can you help?

Thanks.

I've been reading your posts with interest.

Just interested, but what's so bad about gina ford? I'm a total newbie to this, and haven't got to the point yet of thinking about how to look after a newborn (want to get a bit further on than my 7 weeks yet!) but had heard things about Gina Ford being quite good and was thinking before reading this I'd get that. Now I wonder if I'm a terrible person and if I should avoid it.

I've heard her ideas are quite, erm, strict, and I'm certainly not intending on being some scary matriarch (spelt wrong) of a parent, but I understood from my limited knowledge that some of her ideas do work (like not looking at or stimulating the baby during breast feeds in the night so that they don't wake up fully and so become more awake and can't get back to sleep so well), and taking bits of what she suggest could work well at, eg, getting a baby to sleep through the night. Am I wrong in this?

Birth and Beyond by Yehudi Gordon for pregnancy and early baby development, Penelope Leach's Your Baby and Child for gently reminding you that babies are people, not aliens.

My mum died when I was a teenager and my MIL lives in a different country so I know where you're coming from, but please don't worry about what you don't know - you have instinct and Mumsnet, and baby will have you.

One thing I do recommend to anyone who wants to breastfeed is to go to a breastfeeding class or see a bf counsellor before your baby is born so you will be aware of positioning and potential problems, and have a resource in place if you need it.

The midwives in hospital will show you how to change a nappy and give the baby a bath, and you will have HV/GP/friends and well-meaning strangers for the rest.

Another vote for Your baby week by week by Simone Cave and Dr Caroline (can't remember her surname)

I found it really practical and lent it to friends and they also said they found it the most helpful too.

i also had what to expect but only used it occasionally. Agree with others that it isn't written for the UK market despite the claims to the contrary

I personally felt the GF books are really about there being one single way to do things, and that it was quite difficult to just pick and choose bits without starting to feel like a bit of a failure.

I'd approach the GF books with caution later in your reading, when you have already developed some clearer ideas about how you want to parent - then see if they suit you.

Another vote for Baby Love by Robin Barker. I bought gazillions of baby books but hers was the one that was best by miles. Really practical, great writing, doesn't try to orce any particular parenting style on you. I'd never heard of her until my American midwife recommended it. Her toddler book is also v good.

babies for beginners

Short but tells you everything you need to know. Motto is 'relax and enjoy it' rather than the 'here are 10,000' things to stress about approach of What to Expect etc.

Even quite funny in places.

Thanks very much everyone for the suggestions.
I am off work on Friday waiting for oven repair man so once he has been am going to join the local library then and take out heaps of books.

Next month am also going to see my friend who has had her first baby 12 weeks ago and practice on him - she will show me how to bath and stuff. She is a Baby Whisperer but quite chilled about what works for her not being what works for everyone. My SIL is a Whisperer too, very strict about it. I thought BF babie sfell asleep after feeding so am confused about how EAT then ACTIVITY then SLEEP then YOU would work because how can you get a full sleepy baby to do an activity? But anyway.

Have made list of the books recommended inc. how many people recommended each one & why.

Thanks again

Also, the NCT shop does lots of info sheets and booklets on specific subjects, which can be a useful way of homing in on the information you need, without ploughing through a huge manual to find it.

I found the one about what to expect in a nappy very reassuring.

My SIL is a strict Baby whisperer too, but has ff both her babies. I've bf 2 DC and I can't see how it would work either.

I've always preferred my books to be written by someone who has actually had a baby and to be less instructional. I know alot of Mums that stress when the baby doesn't react in the way that GF or Tracey Hogg says.

DD did follow the GF sleep routine, but I only found out after. She did it by herself, no book or stress needed.

Miffster - I was in the same situation as you, my mum died when I was little and whenever I asked Dad questions like "what did you do if I wouldn't sleep" he just said "I can't remember, your mum did all that"

anyway - to second MrsConcernedNeighbour, I found Babies for Beginners to be very good at the very basic stuff - here's how to bath your baby, and as long as by the end the baby's a bit cleaner and you didn't drop them in the water, that's all good. It's definitely about the practicalities, rather than a parenting theory book, and it sounds as if that's what you're after in the first instance. I can post you my copy if you like, it came from the Oxfam bookshop so I'd be happy to pass it on

I've learnt loads from our NCT antenatal classes - all first time mothers and fathers so we've been able to ask lots of silly questions. It'll be good when the babies start arriving and we can all ask each other what to do as well.

As for books, I've read Gina Ford and the Babywhisperer, along with things online like the Babycentre emails.

Hey Miffster - great thread, thank you for starting it and I'm only sorry that you have such a sad reason for having to ask it.

Although I am lucky enough to have my mum, I'd never ask her for specific baby advice as we don't have that sort of relationship. I agree that you DON'T necessarily know all the skills and you do have to be taught. Yes, I'm sure in terms of loving and disciplining your child it is instinctive, but in terms of actual hard skills such as nappy changing, bathing etc, they are surely taught. Today's insular society is a very recent development and evolution has not prepared us for it - we're designed to live and bring up children as part of a community, so never let anyone make you feel bad for not knowing it all! I'm with you on the fear and think books are a good resource.

MrsGangly its great that you have read some books and gone to the Antenatal Classes but have you thought of asking your course teacher which books she would recommend?

Just a thought

I liked "The Best Friend's Guide To Pregnancy" and "Your baby week by week".

How not to be the perfect mother, by Libby Purves. It also you to realise that you can make mistakes and you probably won't fundamental harm your baby and that is not really a right way of doing things. It's really well written and funny. here

Miffster, ask your midwife about your local children's centre or you can find your nearest one here.

Our local one offers a Bumps and Babies group hosted by MW and HVs, it's like a drop in where you can ask questions and meet other new mums; a breastfeeding support group; ante natal and baby yoga. They are all individually run so will offer different kinds of support but I think they're fab and only wish I'd known about it when DS1 was born! Will be using it loads this time.

I think this has already been said but you will be shown the absolute basics before being discharged from hospital (bathing, plugging in to the breast, changing nappy). The rest, none of us have a clue about until it happens. There are moments of sheer terror where you do not have a clue what to do but you muddle along and figure each other out eventually.

I read every single book going (loved 'First Time Parent' by Lucy Atkin and 'Your Baby and Child' by Penelope Leach for the reasons cited above) and enjoyed doing so but none of them can fully prepare you, only give you a couple of ideas to try out. You probably won't refer to them much once your baby has been born anyway, you'll be too busy

TBH, I wish someone had told me that it's more useful to spend time preparing for labour than caring for your baby. You honestly will become an expert on your baby in no time at all. I would recommend ante natal yoga as a good way to meet other mums to be, prepare for birth and also chill out for an hour or so! Lots of great books on childbirth but you've got plenty of reading material on your hands and that's a whole other thread.

Best of luck

ineedsomesleep, I'm not sure what I have done to deserve special attention, but yes, I have asked my teacher what books she recommends. In fact, she takes along a huge pile every week for us to glance at and to borrow. I've picked the books I think will be helpful to us and how we work best. We await to see what our baby thinks about it all!

I had forgotten that we've also read "Childrearing is Fun" by Anne Atkins.

miffster I didn't know how to do any of those things either. THe midwives show you how to do them - all of them, so try not to worry too much.

They even have a lady that comes round, does your baby's first bath, talking you through the process, and then showed me how to swaddle him as well.

what mothers do is really lovely. it doesn't have any instructions as such, but describes how you form the bond with your baby that helps you know what to do for them without being able to say how you know.

What To Expect are good books, but I got the best advice EVER out of the Girlfriends Guide To Pregnancy by Vicky Iovine. It was just the right mix of advice and 'been there, done that'. There's also the Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy Daily Diary, which is page-a-day (with a tiny bit to write in anything you want to remember) and starts at Conception! I made sure I didn't read 'ahead', just day-by-day, and it was one of the few things that made me laugh out loud when i was 8 months gone and felt like a beached whale!

As a general book I read of all things a Good Housekeeing book 'The Essential Book of Parenting' which has a lot of practical advice which it sounds as though you are after rather than 'theories' of parenting.

It was good as a reference for some of those things you mention.

I had both "What to Expect" and "Baby Whisperer". The former was reassuring to know that DD was/is doing what all babies do, and the latter helped us decide how we wanted to approach things. Neither were a bible, but were v helpful, esp when feeding and sleeping were so chaotic in the early days. And, of course, MN is brilliant, esp if you have a specific situation that you need to discuss.

Think most important thing is to trust your instincts. Yes, do read up so you know what to do, and it will make you feel more assured, but if at any point your instincts tell you something, follow that. No one will know your baby like you do. Ignore all unhelpful advice.

MrsGangly sorry I didn't mean to single you out.

Without turning this into a GF or Tracey Hogg debate, it just made me laugh that the two books you have read seem so out of sync with your Antenatal Classes. I've only ever met mone bfing GF Mum and all the Baby Whisperer followers I've met ff.

There is nothing wrong with that of course, but if you are thinking of bfing your Antenatal Teacher might have something in her box a bit more in tune with your wishes.

BabyLove is brilliant, I'm glad it's known outside of Australia. Robin Barker isn't a parenting guru, she's been a hands-on midwife for 30 years or something, and it's uber practical.

Her section on sleeping, e.g., says "if your baby doesn't sleep, you have three options. 1) Live with it [practical suggestions as to how to make your own life easier with a non-sleeping baby] 2) controlling crying [this is how to do it] or 3) pray to the Bhutanese God of sleep." There's no philosophical stuff about which is better. Lots of helpful stuff about breastfeeding positions and how to feed twins, without any judgement, and lots of instructions on bottle feeding and how to sterilise equipment, again with the same.

But also, the hospital showed us most of the basics in the day or so we were there - how to swaddle, bathe, breastfeed, wind and settle, and we really weren't there long at all. Antenatal groups a brilliant idea, remember a HV will come out and is usually happy to show you stuff/give practical advice as well. I'm a book person too, but there's nothing like an actual demonstration of how to do things, with babies.