Do you think it's taboo to admit to actively controlling your weight in pregnancy?

[Anklegrinder]

I do! In my first pregnancy I put on about 18 lb in total. DD was born two weeks late at a very decent weight of 7lb and very healthy! This time round, given that that model seemed to work OK for all of us, I am pretty determined not to put on more than 18 lb and have been monitoring my weight throughout. I never go hungry and I eat a healthy diet, but I weigh myself every day and if I seem to be putting on weight a bit fast, I do take extra care for a day or two.

I suppose you could say that I am actively regulating my weight. To me, there's one quite good reason for this, which is that I have to work up to my due date (and probably beyond!) so really really don't want to get too big. Also, I really can't be arsed to go on a diet afterwards.

On the few occasions I have admitted this to anyone other than my husband, I have been treated to very great disapproval! The implication is always that I am potentially damaging my baby or even my own health. I am sure that I'm not, but it seems to be totally taboo to admit to doing this. The only reason I DO sometimes admit it is that people have a tendency to say, "you're so lucky, you don't put on weight blah blah, it's so unfair", and I sometimes think it's only fair to point out that in my case it's partly down to conscious effort.

Anyway, IS this a taboo subject do you think or am I just being weird? And if it is, is it just because I'm seen to be letting the side down because lots of people enjoy eating what they want during pregnancy? In which case, I totally understand the reaction and I admit here and now to being an obsessive control freak!

Oh and one other theing - we have Ante-natal appointments, and scans etc for the very reason of monitoring the health of the baby and mother. I think you would have heard something at these if there was a problem!

I'm not sure I understand you, thesecondcoming. I mean, I think I do, but just to clarify - Are you saying that weighing oneself regularly is just like having a drink problem?

I know this is well trodden territory, BUT... we are surrounded by overt and subliminal messages about what size we should be, how much or how little we should care, praise or condemnation for how slowly or quickly we lose weight after birth etc. Someone who admits to controlling their weight is accused of being vain - someone who doesn't is accused of being lazy - it seems like we can't win!

(there are even posters in my ante-natal unit trumpeting the virtues of breastfeeding which promise that it will help you lose weight more quickly after the birth, and I really dislike that being used as an incentive. As if new mothers don't have enough to cope with.)

I think it would be lovely if all women were totally relaxed about how big they are and how they deal with weight after birth. But very few women I know are, and frankly, that's hardly surprising given the various pressures on us. I think if we put women in a position where they can't even admit that they are concerned about it without being criticised, then we're really in a daft situation.

If someone genuinely thinks the OP has 'issues' (and there's an overused word, IMO), then how about a bit of compassion and understanding, rather than this odd 'blaming' judgemental tone, and veiled threats about what how badly her children might be affected?

Yes, maternal attitudes in every respect have huge influences on children. Not just attitudes towards food, but the way we treat each other in general - how quick we are to judge, dismiss and name-call, etc.

I think what anklegrinder has raised is interesting, and while her choices are not personally the same as mine, I think for what she's described, she's getting a bit of an over-reaction. I also think that we've missed a chance to discuss some general points to do with attitudes towards weight, health, women and pregnancy in favour of concentrating on the rightness or wrongness of one person's attitude.

Sorry, just on a lighter note (and it IS light, I'm not accusing anyone of having Issues!) - thesecondcoming, this is the 2nd time you've mentioned swimwear! I don't think anyone else has, and I really don't think it's the issue (argh) you think it is.

It's not so much what she's doing, though. Detail by detail it's all pretty healthy.
It's what she by her own admission says she feels about her weight and her changing body that matters.

About the question of when is an issue an issue -- it's a tough one when it comes to weight and self esteem and self image being too tightly bound up with one another. Yes, obviously you can tell when an alcoholic has an issue (but the alcoholic can't generally see things as others do.) With someone who is basically doing something that enhances your general health and even provides a good model for children, certainly a good, balanced diet (in contrast to what a lot of children are exposed to nowadays) for the family, you have to look inward and ask yourself questions about your fears and anxieties regarding weight, ask yourself what sort of self-talk you engage in about your self-image, how much of your self-esteem is tied up with your outward appearances. What if, by some genetic chance, your children were inclined to be a little more pudgy than you thought they should be? If the weight you don't carry on your frame weighs down your spirit instead, then there's a problem.

But, I feel that she is only expressing out loud what a lot of the pregnant population are thinking. A large proportion of pregnant women at least would be concerned about their body changing etc. Some of us are just more concerned than others about body image. I hold my hand up to that one too, and I only wish I had been as disciplined as Ankle from the beginning! I am motivated to not have any rubbish after dinner from now on!

No danger of catching me in a swimsuit. I hate swimming!

I don't think a large proportion of pregnant women are concerned about their body changing. I think most are inclined to embrace it. Most don't see it as losing the run of themselves to gain weight and change shape either, or approach pregnancy as a time when there's a need for 'discipline', control, or reining themselves in. Most eat just a little more, over the nine months, of their regular diet, depending on hunger and factors like sickness. There are very few women who abandon every aspect of their pre-pregnancy diets and throw caution to the winds, even with extreme cravings.

Again, it's the psychological dependence on some habitual aspect of your diet, whether you can't get by without a big bag of popcorn every day, or whether it makes you anxious to not weigh yourself every day that is the potential problem.

FGS - the alcohol analogy is just ridiculous. Drinking alcohol can only be bad for you (to a greater or lesser degree) but weighing yourself can be a positive helpful thing. I would be furious at that comment if I was anklegringer! What a daft thing to say.

Anklegrinder - just ignore the fools on here who are bandying about comments about "issues" and negative role-models for your daughter - what nonsense. Actually I do teach my children to watch what they eat - I think it is important and part of proper parenting. And exactly what is being done in schools up and down the country these days - i.e. emphasis on healthy eating and treats being just that..... Giving children the idea that you should let yourself have free rein with what you put in your mouth is just stupid. Equally you don't want them scared of eating a mars bar, so you have to be balanced about it as in all things. Anklegrinder sounds balanced. I think you people shouting her down are the ones with the "isshoooos" tbh.

Total agree makemineagandt

Thesecondcoming, you say
"being fixated on what one weighs and gains and looks like during a time when realistically you have very little say what you end up looking like is,imo,slightly worrying"

but the thing is you do realistically have a lot of say in what you end up looking like - and I think that is what some of us are trying to say.

Anyway, ankle, I think your diet sounds fine, and as long as the experts say you and your bub are healthy then keep up the healthy sensible eating

I have to say that I loved my gorgeous bump and boobs, I just didn't want to have an enormous bottom, thunder thighs and bingo wings by my due date. Not unreasonable imo.

You look pregnant, is what you look like. Accept it.

Helenwombat - totally agree - I could have written that post. I am also a recovered anorexic and THE major factor was my mother weighing herself/being conscious of her weight, despite telling me I was perfect etc. She was NEVER overt about having any "issues" with controlling her weight, and never discussed it, but as a child I knew she weighed herself every morning and generally was "careful" (i.e. if she had a "big" lunch she would restrict a little for dinner etc), despite her having a bmi of around 18. I was therefore sure that even slim people had to watch what they ate and, coupled with a mild perfectionist personality, this was a major factor in developing anorexia.
I stand by my earlier post where I said: "our natural weight (i.e. if we don't eat unhealthily, taking unhealthy to mean both too restrictive or too much of the wrong stuff) is very deeply written in our genes. There is not much you SHOULD do about altering your genuine natural weight, provided you eat healthily, and I assume the same goes for weight during pregnancy. Some women will gain more, some will gain less - its not really a big deal!"
I do think that anything less than acceptance of out natural weight (and I say again, by that I mean what we weigh when we are eating genuinely healthily and excercising!) in front of our children (boys and girls I am afraid) can lead to body issues in the child...

I would argue, though it's getting away from the OP a bit, that making sure that you have a small dinner if you've had a large lunch for example is healthy, it is probably how most slim people stay slim, along with excercise and generally making healthy choices about what you eat.

I'm not wanting to belittle or negate your experiences in any way, legallyblond and helenwombat, but my mother watched her weight throughout my childhood and I didn't therefore become an anorexic.

However I, like most women I know, can identify ways in which my mother (and my father, who is a very overweight type II diabetic) has certainly had an impact on my relationship with food - so I'm not saying that parental messages aren't significant, of course they are. But, depressingly, there are are so many ways in which we are almost destined to mess with our kids' heads. Surely having a set of scales in the bathroom and eating a small dinner if you've had a big lunch is not, by anyone's definition, the worst of those.

I agree with barkfox upthread (again) - it's a shame this thread has been diverted from an interesting discussion about women's perceptions of weight gain in pregnancy, to a bunch of ominous predictions about the future mental health of anklegrinder's children.

To get even further away from the OP (sorry) -

There's a thread that started around the same time as this in Pregnancy, called 'How much weight did you put on?' Where the OP posts in surprise at how much weight she has put on at 38 weeks, having weighed herself for the 1st time.

She just asks how much other mums put on. There's a wide range of responses, ranging from people with severe hyperemesis who lost weight during pregnancy to others who kept MS at bay by snacking a lot.

There are plenty of honest comments from people trying to limit their weight gain during pregnancy, especially during 2nd pregnancies, or talking about losing weight after birth.

All people are doing (so far) is recording their own experiences and feelings on that thread, without commenting critically on what other people feel or experience.

This has become a bit of an accusatory 'you've got ishoos!' thread, with a lot of projection and judgement - the other thread makes interesting reading in comparison, IMO.