Do you think it's taboo to admit to actively controlling your weight in pregnancy?

[Anklegrinder]

I do! In my first pregnancy I put on about 18 lb in total. DD was born two weeks late at a very decent weight of 7lb and very healthy! This time round, given that that model seemed to work OK for all of us, I am pretty determined not to put on more than 18 lb and have been monitoring my weight throughout. I never go hungry and I eat a healthy diet, but I weigh myself every day and if I seem to be putting on weight a bit fast, I do take extra care for a day or two.

I suppose you could say that I am actively regulating my weight. To me, there's one quite good reason for this, which is that I have to work up to my due date (and probably beyond!) so really really don't want to get too big. Also, I really can't be arsed to go on a diet afterwards.

On the few occasions I have admitted this to anyone other than my husband, I have been treated to very great disapproval! The implication is always that I am potentially damaging my baby or even my own health. I am sure that I'm not, but it seems to be totally taboo to admit to doing this. The only reason I DO sometimes admit it is that people have a tendency to say, "you're so lucky, you don't put on weight blah blah, it's so unfair", and I sometimes think it's only fair to point out that in my case it's partly down to conscious effort.

Anyway, IS this a taboo subject do you think or am I just being weird? And if it is, is it just because I'm seen to be letting the side down because lots of people enjoy eating what they want during pregnancy? In which case, I totally understand the reaction and I admit here and now to being an obsessive control freak!

If you told me that you were weighing yourself twice a day and had a target mount of weight to put on I would think you had massive issues to be honest.

No one should be weighing themselves twice a day, or even every day in my opinion. I really hope you don't let your children see you doing this in the future.

Anklegrinder - you aren't coming across like that at all (to me anyway) You haven't said you are starving yourself at all but rather eating very healthy and not using pregnancy as an excuse to pig out. I think it's admirable.
You would be told pretty quick smart by your midwife or doctor if the baby was unhealthy or if you looked like you were underweight etc, so good for you. I have tried to be quite good but it bothers me when I give in to my cravings as they are only because mil or dh bring naughty high calorific food home which I am putting a stop to!
Someone said about the extra calories needed being only a slice of toast with peanut butter etc - totally agree - a lot of people just have no clue about how many calories are in what foods etc.

thesecondcoming - I don't think anything in this thread or in anklegrinder's posts merits your response. TBH, I agree with her that it says more about your own prejudices than it does about her own issues - which she's freely admitted to.

Who said I was weighing myself twice a day? I don't!! I don't think it's a big deal to stand on the scales before I get into the shower, I really don't. And I have tried to explain that though I have a 'target' in mind, as park says above, I certainly won't be distraught if I go over that and in fact as I've said, I'm almost certain that I will. Oh dear. I suppose I should have known if I started this thread that people would think I have issues.

Perhaps it's time to bow out before I get accused of furthering the anorexic cause! But before I go, thanks for the advice Ingrid, but I am pretty sure that of all the pressures on my daughter's body image as she grows up, I won't be the main one. I rarely if ever have cause to discuss my weight in normal life - because there's nothing to say! If anything, I would worry more about all the people I know who don't weigh themselves every day but go on about how bloody fat they feel all the time - though strangely enough no-one says they have issues or accuses them of damaging their children's mental health!! Sorry to sound annoyed, but it IS a bit annoying when people suggest that you are a dangerous influence on your own beloved daughter.

Right, having got that off my chest, I quite fancy a slice of toast with lashings of strawberry jam ....

"Anyway, I just saw the midwife and had a chat with her about my weight gain, size of bump, etc. She couldn't have been less interested, said fundal height was exactly what she'd expect and changed the subject. I trust her."

I had my check up today. Asked the MW how come they dont weigh patients (I've never been asked my weight, even at registration). She said the Obs doesnt consider it important (except in extreme cases- v fat or v thin at first appointment) and they're only concerned about size for dates (they scan at every check up so get an accurate measure)and general maternal health.

I manage not to weigh myself at all ...ever. Also don't mention weight at all. I am not fat so I am not worried!

I am sorry I thought you said you weighed yourself twice a day but I see it is (only!) once a day. You did say your weight and controlling it is part of you in a deep way...so that, in my opinion, is having an issue.

I think unless you are very fortunate, everybody has issues that are part of them in a deep way. Congratulations if that's not the case for you Ingrid. Having said that, I don't think my 'issues' blight my life or anyone else's around me, I consider myself happy and fortunate and relatively well balanced. I suppose I could be delusional though! But again, thanks (and well done for keeping off the scales)!

Ingrid- fair enough, you don't weigh yourself. Neither do I, for that matter. But a lot of women do weigh themselves at least weekly if not daily so personally I don't think we need to worry about Anklegrinder's fitness to be a mother really.

legallyblond, I think that's a really sensible post, and very interesting to hear your perspective as a recovered anorexic - I didn't want it to get ignored among the more vituperative responses.

I also agree with Rubena that lots of people don't know enough about how many calories are in food. I'd add that I wish we were better informed about that as part of an overall 'nutritional' education. Not to go off-topic, but I've spent YEARS persuading my obese, hypertensive father just to read and pay attention to the labels on food, so he knows what he's actually eating. And believe me, neither of us have any ambitions to enter him in a 'swimsuit' competition! I'd just like him to live longer than his own father did.

I think it's important to remember that there's a VAST middle ground between totally uncontrolled eating, and obsessively unhealthy calorie counting. It's not an 'either/or' choice, and I think it would be nice if women could recognise this and give each other a break, tbh.

Wow...I did not question Anklegrinder's fitness to be a mother...how ridiculous!

I do think that it is unhealthy for children to witness their parents weighing themselves every day.

I am entirely sure my children witness me doing things that are also unhealthy. Plenty of issues here...my body image not being one of them.

Oh dear, I hope that I'm not being vituperative (good word). I always hate it when Mumsnet gets like that and now I'm doing it too! Apologies! Right, I am REALLY going to go now as I've got to get some work done!

Anklegrinder - I could have writted all that you've said here. I do the same thing in daily life (I eat what I want, but do tend to make healthy choices the majority of the time - but like you, if I want some chocolate I will have it). The result is that I stay a healthy (and happy..) size 10-12. It bugs me when people say "oh you don't need to worry, you're so slim" etc etc - I want to snap back that it isn't just an accident!! It is a choice - and one that they could make too. Being slim is all about a dozen little choices every day - there is nothing more magic to it than that.

Anyway, back to the pregnancy point - yes I did the same in both my pregnancies and consequently was back to my pre-preg wait within a week both times. I know myself and I know that if I had a stone of lard to shift as well as the stresses of a newborn baby to look after I would be miserable.

anklegrinder, I didn't think you were being vituperative at all (wish I'd picked a shorter word to type now!) - I think you've been honest here, and had a couple of unfairly extreme responses, FWIW.

writted - oh dear - written of course..

and for those that think weighing yourself daily is a bad idea - the latest thinking (read an article recently) is that anklegrinder's approach is the only sensible way to manage weight long term - ie. daily or at least weekly weighing, and making small changes as required to keep on or about your stable weight - ie forgo alcohol/puddings etc for a few days after a large meal out for example. Little and often....

I am surprised there's no weighing involved in antenatal care. I had my babies in the US and was weighed at every checkup, even though I had a bmi in the 17 (yes low) to 22 range at the start of every pregnancy.

What stands out in your posts, Anklegrinder, is your repeated references to your bump size. I realise you're working in the City and you may be feeling like 'the hormonal one' due to sexism in your work environment, but you do come across as someone who is trying to minimise the appearance of being pregnant and going along with the prevailing culture a little too enthusiastically.

There are many other ways of coming across as a professional woman who has not lost her edge during late pregnancy besides trying not to develop too large a bump. In the legal environment where I worked for a while I noticed a lot of 'power dressing' by women who were (sadly) in the position of needing to remain 'one of the boys' while pregnant; hardly any pastels and no floral clothing, lots of grey and black items with white, beige or blue accents, statement shoes, edgy bags and especially jewellery. They paid attention to nails and perfume (no floral notes, lots of sophisticated scents), and their makeup seemed to aim for a severe rather than an overtly feminine look. Above all, one in particular developed a 'drop dead right now' look for anyone who made remarks about being hormonal.

I recommend you avoid the scales, maybe do a weekly weigh-in, and try to relax about your weight gain. Go with the flow -- no need for pigging out of course, but good healthy food, as Legallyblond suggests, and plenty of it, will do you and the baby a lot of good.

May I add that you also come across as a little defensive about your weight-monitoring, and seem a little too quick to assume that you are under attack for keeping an eye on your weight. I think you're a little concerned about yourself and I hope you'll be open-minded about the possibility that you are very attached to your scales and the message they send to you.

Like barkfox, Ive been encouraged to eat more/ less healthy foods now that Im pregnant. My sister for instance, who is always watching her weight, keeps saying how lucky I am as I can now "eat what I like".

I told her I ate what I liked before I got pregnant (within reason -Im a size 12 - 14 and walk 40 minutes a day so I pretty much eat what I want and am happy with my body).

Her reply? No woman eats what they want - they always eat half of what they want!

I'm back! Did ten minutes of work and feel that was a good effort! Hello mathanxiety. I do work in the City but unfortunately not on a typical City salary. So although I like the advice, I am not sure that finances will stretch to what would be for me a new maternity-based power dressing agenda. I take your point about defensiveness, although I would justify myself by saying that I think I am only really properly defensive when people suggest that I am damaging my daughter.

I am not really trying to minimise appearing pregnant exactly. Having said that, I am not upset about the fact that my bump is (currently) relatively small and that DOES NOT suggest that I am starving myself to keep it that way. If it grows, it grows! And it will!

Hello again Secondcoming, I am self-obsessed. I'll definitely admit to that. Not sure if I'm a twinkie though. I'm not sure what a twinkie is. Is it someone who's a bit shallow, because I don't mind admitting to that? I like looking at clothes and stuff. But I do also have a Phd and I have been known to take an interest in social issues and even donate money to charity!!

MakemineaGndT has sort of summarised the position for me I think. I could I suppose relax about my weight gain, but then I would feel seriously not relaxed after I'd had the baby about losing it. As makeminea says, I know myself and that's how I am but it honestly does not mean that these issues blight my life! I do recognise that some of the stuff I have written probably sounds a bit extreme, and I accept that. But I just think that in the context of a society where media reports would seem to suggest that most people are struggling to control their weight, my approach and attitude is in fact relatively 'healthy' in the broadest sense of the term. Whether or not I weigh myself everyday is honestly irrelevant I think.

An issue doesn't have to blight your life or be extreme to be an issue all the same. If you would feel 'seriously not relaxed' about losing weight after having the baby, then I think there's a body image problem here. Pregnancy is sometimes a flashpoint for issues such as this, because the question of controlling your body's shape and size is aggravated by the fact that your body will not remain the shape you think it should be no matter what you do. That baby will grow and make its presence obvious. When you're pregnant you are clearly female, you are clearly growing in girth, you are standing out from your male colleagues.

Be very careful about the messages you give to your DD about the female body, especially how you feel about yours, and in particular in relation to the functions it has and the changes it undergoes that are related to reproduction, which is one important aspect of being female. When self-esteem and weight or personal appearance are linked in a mother's mind, that attitude comes out in all sorts of little ways, not necessarily directly verbal, and can have negative effects.

I really fail to see where anklegrinders "issues" are evident.

Putting on weight in pregnancy is one thing, laying down fat is another. Two very seperate things. One necessary the other not.

I think we have got so entrenched in this silly eating-for-two stuff that to hear anything different sparks a kind of panic that that woman must has unresolved weight/food problems.

I think Barkfox's post yesterday hit the nail on the head.

Thanks Jeremyvile.

Mathanxiety - I really really really don't think that my 'issues' are in danger of affecting my daughter. Or put another way, I expect I do have issues that might affect my daughter in one way or another, some of which I don't even really know about. I just don't think that I can tell in advance what they might be. Isn't that slightly the same for everybody?

This is the only area where I find anyone's response to what I have said difficult or challenging. I accept that I am a bit obsessive. But are there many women (or men for that matter) out there whose self-esteem, weight and personal appearance aren't linked in some way? At all? That's fantastic if that's the case, but I honestly don't know anyone like that. And I don't think my social circle is particularly unusual.

I would completely agree with your analysis that being pregnant makes you stand out from male colleagues. But despite what I said earlier, I think this can bring some benefits. In my case, my job is to extract information from the people I work with (in a good way)! I think that often being pregnant sort of de-somethings you, it's not de-genders obviously, and I'm not sure if the word is de-sexualised or that you become less threatening as I don't know if I was viewed as especially 'sexual' or threatening to begin with. But whatever, the effect can be that people (men and women) are extremely forthcoming - more so than normal! It's interesting. So there are ambiguities in what I say about being pregnant in the workplace.

I would have to disagree re: the issue thing though. Surely an issue only really becomes problematic if it causes you to engage in behaviour that damages yourself or those around you. My 'issue' doesn't do that.

Part of the weight is very necessary fat. Weight gain doesn't have to be excessive (18 to 25 lbs of is healthy), but fat is a part of it, and it is necessary. Normal pregnancy weight gain, including the fat deposits laid down, is not 'lard' either, as someone called it on this thread.

There is a certain level of anxiety and preoccupation evident in Anklegrinder's posts about her weight and bump size, plus an admission that she would be seriously not relaxed about having to lose much weight afterwards. Hence the 'issues' comment.

Anklegrinder - you are not at all doing anything to harm your unborn baby or the future of your children and their approach to image or whatever was said! I think some of these responses are a bit extreme but that often happens on mumsnet! From what you have said you are simply watching what you eat, not over eating, not eating rubbish and keeping an eye on your weight! If you were heavily restricting calories or going hungry that would be another thing altogether, but you have said in no uncertain terms that you are not doing this!
Anyone who has concerns with that kind of thing may well be just jealous that you have the self control and / or will power to not turn into a total lard arse just becasue you are pregnant!