How would you feel is a friend used 'your name'?

[muppety]

A friend who lives round the corner is pregnant with her second baby. I have 2ds but when I was pregnant both times we discussed names. She knows that we chose a name for a dd ages ago. Anyway I asked her what she was going to call this one. She said if its a girl it will be called x(my name!). I said nothing but was really upset when I got home and said she was planning on using 'our name'.

DH doesn't understand. He says our next might be a boy and if it is a dd we can still use the name. Its a pretty unusual one though and that was the whole point! She is new to the area and all our friends are the same now. I already feel like I know my dd with that name even if she isn't real!

Am I overreacting? I have not said anything to the friend. Not put name on here just incase she is lurking and will guess!!!

Message withdrawn

I can see Muppety's point though - my kids' names are not unusual (although DD2's is less common than most) and in any case DN lives 150 miles away and there is a 17 year age gap.

Supposing it was something like Scheherezade though, and you'd never told anybody else that you were planning to use it before the friend did; if you did then use it it would look as if you were copying the one who had copied you and you just can't go around with a badge on saying "we thought of it first you know! She copied me!"

I would mind

Post an envelope of names you like to yourself now everyone. Then if someone you know uses them before you, you still have the satisfaction of being able to prove you though of it first!

We don't tell people names we like. Don't want them dissecting them before they're used. Mind you, have been told by close (DH's) relative that DS's name will grow on them (he was a week old...!) and that she kept forgetting what it was.

Dior-

That really WOULD upset me! How wude, as the jaja binks would say (can u guess what I have been forced to watch all week)...

PS. got your B+B yesterday on my birthday, so a nice 'extra', thank you!

Message withdrawn

I would be annoyed in your position Muppety, however unreasonable it might be. DD has quite an unusual name for this country - not in the top 100 anyway, though is more popular overseas. We purposely did this as we didn't want her to be one of 3 "x"'s in the classroom. None of my friends have heard of it but all love it. If one of them wanted to use it I would be a bit cross to be honest.

We didn't tell anyone our choices of names before she was born either, worrying someone would beat us to it!

wish you would all tell me these names, I'm dying to know

SK, stop it!

Me too!

Well I'm pleased at least some of you agree!

One of the reasons for wanting this name is that it is uncommon. I got fed up with taking ds1 to groups and there being 5 other boys with his name and I hated the fact at school that so many shared mine. Thats why I wanted something really different if I ever had a dd. For that reason I don't think its overreacting to say I wouldn't use it if she did. Defeats one of our main reasons for choosing it!

Anyway I guess she might have a boy or I might never have a dd. Incidentally her favourite boys name is an abbreviation of our ds2 name. I mind that less because its more common and it wasn't a name we had set our heart on for ages TBH.

Also one reason I discussed names was I thought there was a certain etiquette really and it would put people off. This friend has only just thought of this name anyway so might get put off it!

My name is an old fashioned one you will all have heard of but not many people under the age of 80 probably have it! Can't tell you now thopugh can I you might steal it!!!

my name is 2 common 70s names hyphenated, it was never shortened

when i was younger hated it, I wanted a ruler or a keyring with my name on it!

Now I'm older I still don't like it but thats to do with a well known cake company stealing my name, you don't know how mnay times I've heard jokes about it!!

muppety, I can understand how you feel. We had a name for our baby (expecting ds2 - actually had dd!) whilst we were pregnant we talked and talked about our expected son, and he became very real for us (I think we both grieved a little when dd was born). So I wonder if in some way your expected dd is quite real to you?

Agree with spider. It's best not to tell. I also understand about wanting an unusual name without too many others around. I still feel peeved that a version of ds's name become very popular a couple of years ago (bloody Eastenders...).

However. There is really nothing you can do about it except hope she changes her mind - perhaps you could direct her to a good internet name finder?

I think this upsets you muppety because you are desperate for a little girl of your own rather than because your friend has stolen "your Name". If you have a girl, there is no reason why you can't use the name anyway, although you might feel differently about it if your friend uses it.

I know my mother had a similar experience when she had her first dd (my sister). She told other mothers in the hospital what name she had chosen for her baby, and two other mothers liked it so much they chose them for their babies too! That upset my mother a bit, but it is not as if she was going to know these people once she had left hospital. I know your case is a bit different because you will know your friend, but it still doesn't stop you using that name.

Anyway, perhaps your friend will have a boy! don't overreact until you have to!

At least your situation is more flattering than the one I found myself in. When I was pg with my dd, I had already chosen her name (but kept it secret) when a friend of mine mentioned my chosen name as one she can't stand. I didn't know what to say at the time (fortunately we were speaking over the phone so she couldn't see me turn puce!) so I said nothing, but I can never forget that she hates my dd's name (although she has kept quiet about it since I announced it!)

what about ex-husband and ex-best friend naming their first child the name you and your exhusband had discussed as a name for your daughter if you had had one........ iyswim - very strange situation... been told by friends it was to spite me... I jsut felt sorry for the little girl who was given a name to spite someone..... imagine that!!

muppety - noone under the age of 80 has it? its ethel, isnt it?! go on, i betcha!!!

No its Phyllis !

Lonely mum there is probably an element of truth in that. I would love daughter (another son would be great too of course, but boys names are soo boring!).

I know this is really mad, but even if I never have dd and she uses my name I will be upset. Its the name of the dd I would never have. A constant reminder. Don't shoot me down for that please.... Will never admit that to friend.

I really understand how you feel, muppety. I've been wrestling with this from the other side since our chosen name for our baby on the way is similar to my best friend's child's name. (Not the same, but similar in a Lara/Zara kind of way.) I know that she would rather I didn't use it - she feels that it kind of steals part of her child's unique specialness - but she is being very reasonable and saying it is of course up to me. I feel very torn because my dp loves this name, and it is so far the only name we have come up with that we both really like. I also feel that it won't be a problem for the children, who do not live near each other, will never go to the same school, may not even be friends - and, if they are, will probably like it in a 'this makes us like sisters' kind of way. I'm hoping that if we do use it, it will very soon cease to feel strange to my friend as both children will just inhabit their own names.

But still, I am struggling with this - really want the name, but really don't want to hurt my friend

I had that exact situation. Friend and I were pregnant with our first babies and discussed names. I told her what I would choose if my baby were a daughter. She had a girl (and called her something else) and I had a boy. Then we were pregnant with our second babies and I said I would still use the name we had discussed if it were a girl. She had a second girl 4 months before I was due and used "my" name, knowing that I wanted to use it. As it turned out, I went on to have 2 more boys and never got the opportunity to use my girl's name. I would still have used it if DS2 had been a girl and we would have spent the rest of our lives constantly referring to them as xxxxx P and xxxxx S. We are still very good friends and always will be.

Don't get mad, get sneaky. Use a bit of reverse psychology on your friend. One day when the name crops up in casual conversation -

You say: I'm so glad you've decided to call your dd Courgette, especially as I won't be using it even if my next child is a dd.

She says: Really, why is that?

You say: Well, Courgette really is a lovely name, but when I day-dream about my dd it just doesn't seem to suit her anymore. Perhaps because there's another name that I've started to like better over the past year or so.

She says: What name is that?

You say: Aubergine.

There are 3 possible outcomes:

1. She names her child Aubergine and you name your Courgette (hurrah);
2. She names her child something completely different (hurrah again);
3. She names her child Courgette (you're no worse off than you were before and at least you tried).

I really don't think you should call your dd Courgette Imagine the teasing...

Hmmm, probably just as well that my ds came with his name already, isn't it Soupy?

eidsvod!! that is awful... how on earth can they have done that???

We had our boy's name stolen too! It was a genuine mistake on the mother's part, or so she swears. She doesn't remember me saying it, but she knows she heard it said somewhere and loved it instantly. Luckily she had a boy and I had a girl, so problem solved.

There's not a lot you can do/say without seeming churlish, so think of another FABULOUS girls name and keep it under your hat!

Eidsvold

Bran, Aubergine, you say...hmm, now there's a possibility. Or Courgette - oh, decisions, decisions!