Very annoying MIL is desperate for a grandson - any advice?

[ReneRusso]

Right from the moment we told her I was expecting again, my mother-in-law has only been interested in the sex of the baby. Or as she puts it "I wonder if it will have an appendage". I have two girls, so it is a clear message to me that they are not good enough and she wants a boy. I have been happy enough to ignore her stupid comments but the other day when I told her I had my 2nd scan coming up this week, the first thing she said was "Do call me if it has an appendage". She then realised she had been a bit offensive and said well call me either way. I am so cross. The anomaly scan is obviously to see if the baby has any abnormalities, health or growth issues, but she has shown no concern about this whatsoever. Of course we would be delighted to have a boy, but mostly we would love to have a healthy baby. She is just being really rude and obvious about it, and making it quite clear that a girl will be a disappointment. So please help me out, how shall I handle this? We are wondering whether to refuse to tell her the sex, but that means keeping it a secret from everyone, which seems a bit precious. I am all for keeping the peace usually, but I really do want to make my feelings known to her. Any good comebacks anyone?

It's nowt to do with you honey - from what I understand of the genetics, you supply an x chromosome by default. Assuming your partner is the biol father of the child tell her it's between her and her son as he has a choice of x and y to give. Then leave em to it!

Oh and also - sounds like she's a bit of a prude. "appendage". FFS. Do be sure to refer to the anatomically correct terms and the way in which babies are made in all your replies. Whilst looking her directly in the eye!

"I wonder if it will have an appendage" - oh dear!!!

If it is any consolation, she probably adores your girls and is just looking to 'complete the set' so to speak. You could try something along the lines of "it was so scary, the sonographer couldn't find the heartbeat and had to call someone else in etc etc, but then, thank God, they found it and all was ok and we're going to have a healthy little baby boy." Then, hopefully, she'd appreciate what a huge gift a healthy child is - regardless of its sex.

Perhaps I'm being a bit too cruel though. A close friend lost her baby about this time last year and so when people start getting really picky over silly things like the baby's sex I just want them to remember that there are far more important things at stake!

Regrettably I would probably go through all the points you have made one by one, face to face and in person. But then I don't put up with much nonsense!

If I was channelling my less confrontational twin, then I would not discuss the sex of the baby. But I would get my digs in by saying "We can't risk discussing it I'm afraid because some ignorant tossers will start on...." ie the same points you have already made.

Gets you out of saying it face to face but gets the point across.

Grr on your behalf.

Buy her one of these!

My MIL was keen on my having a boy, but I don't think she'd have dared come out with what your MIL said (think she's scared of me )

Tell her the baby has 4 appendages (2 arms and 2 legs).

It it so annoying when relatives do this. My MIL kept saying she hoped we would have a girl because she had always wanted a daughter and only had sons - made my DH feel so wanted by his mum. My sister had the opposite in that her MIL wanted a boy.

If you want to tell every one the result of your scan, I don't think the attitude of your MIL should stop you. I would probably tell MIL last, whatever the sex. That way you can enjoy the positive reactions of other people before being let down by her. She may well hear from other people before you, and if she does say anything about that, you can explain that you told people who would be happy for you before telling people who were more likely to be negative.

Nice idea lucasmama08 - a bit cruel, but I am beginning to think she deserves it.

That is very annoying.

I get the same from everyone but hoping I have a girl as I have a mere boy!!

"you'll want a girl this time won't you".

I know how you feel. I feel like if it's another boy people will be like "oh well". I feel nobody will be that excited about 'him' or feel sorry for me I have 2 boys .

It's just another pressure we don't need and anyway, im too wrapped up in if it's healthy or will I die from Swine Flu in the next 6 weeks to care what appendage it is sporting!!

Id just say to her "but im sure you'll love your grandchild regardless of sex won't you"? That should hopefully embarress her enough and get the point over.

you will just have to answer her with "oh you will have to speak to your son about appendages, nothing to do with me"
and then your DH needs to put an end to it, and let her know enough is enough and all you both want is a healthy baby.

im pg with #3 ive 2 ds's and while my MIL has been fine im thinking about what other relations might say so the only answer im goin to use is "ill take what im given"

Appendage?!? I have two boys and most peoples first reaction is oh I bet you want a girl, and I always say just a healthy baby thanks and they then backtrack and agree profusley! But I was shocked after coming back from my also important twelve week scan and speculation began over the sex, father in law proclaimed, well I know someone who is desperate for a grandaughter! Talk about pressure, why do they say such things as though to have another grandson would be a dissapointment? If I were you and it is a boy I would discuss at great 'length' it's appendage, to the point of embarrasment! That'll teach her, maybe even discuss dh appendage! And if it is a girl, of which I am sure you would be equally delighted, cry hysterically that it has no appendage!!! Just for her benefit though of course x

My MIL asked in the delivery room if my husband wasn't too disappointed with his 3rd girl, I swear I nearly chined her, you're not alone I just ignore the daft old bat.

Hope the scan goes well. Why don't you just not find out what you're having? I bet that whatever the baby is, she'll be over the moon when she or he arrives.

You could say "Oh do you mean a dick?"

I bet she would never mention it again.

Don't have any advice but just wanted to sympathise as I know I'll have the same from my MIL (haven't told her I'm pregnant yet) as we've got 2 boys and she has another 2 grandsons so as soon as DS2 was born she started going on about how she'd like a grandaughter Am hoping to think of a suitable response in the next few weeks!

I would tell her very clearly and frankly not to be so rude.

That's made my blood boil. Really on your behalf.

Good luck with everything, big hugs xx

OMG its like Im reading about my MIL! I was discussing names with her the other day, and all I got back from the girls suggestions was "dont bother with the girl name, you have to have a boy. I have 1 GD and I dont need another"

GRRRRRRRRR She made me see RED!

What rude old witches these MILs are - how dare they. I would be tempted to tell her it's a girl and then say "so you won't want to be seeing the baby then, as it's such a disappointment, so no need to keep you posted."

Appendage ffs.

Or say "oh good news MIL - it has an appendage - it's called a CLITORIS" (ideally in a crowded cafe).

It would be fun to tell MIL I saw a very large clitoris on the screen. Might keep her quiet.

I trully sumpathise with you.In the country where I come from this is so common among older people.We are having huge pressure to "produce a son/heir" allthough I had 4 m/c and countless problems my husband's family does not seem to care.His other siblings got into a competition as to who will have a son first(reaching extreme measureS) but noone has a son yet.This is my fifth pregnancy and we have not informed them that we are having a girl as my husband wants them out of this as long as possible.my MIL is even making blue blankets and calls the baby in a male name!!
Any at least in your case I d say be happy that you can blame her selfcentered personality.I have to deal with a whole culture!dont even bother with her.I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy

MadameDuBain - you really made me laugh!

I am dying to use this if the situation arises!

My exMIL was like this. I had 3 mc's after DD1 was born, and she gave DD a Christmas gift at about age 2 of a blue jacket, obviously a boy's style, with the comforting words to me oh, you'll have a boy, don't worry. I would have been happy to give birth to a puppy at that stage. Well, DC2 was a boy granma broke down in tears and cried in her kitchen when she got the news the day he was born. As the years went on, it became more and more obvious to me that her bias in favour of boys had seriously warped my exH and his brothers. It also became apparent that she derived her sense of identity and her self esteem from the fact of being a mother of boys.

MadameDuBain, very funny. If I hadn't been so gobsmacked at the time, I would love to have said something like this.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP, and good luck. Get your DH to weigh in on this with his mum. It's important.

Just saying you are not alone!! We can swap MILs, mine wants a girl (she has three boys and now soon I'll have two boys). She didn't even congratulate me.... then again she is a cow.

Mil hasn't said anything but Fil, on the other hand, has made comments that have made me see red, like "my dream is to have a grandson so I can play football with him" (we have 2 DDs, expecting DC3). "maybe we'll finally have a grandson" when we announced the pg "maybe you'll be lucky this time round and have a boy".. On and on.

So we did find out the sex (I know some MNers in real life, so don't want to reveal the sex on here ), but haven't told anyone. They can wait till the birth to find out whether their dream of a grandson will be fulfilled or a disappointing DD will make an appearance.