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Original poster

Very annoying MIL is desperate for a grandson - any advice?

53 replies

ReneRusso · 23/11/2009 10:16

Right from the moment we told her I was expecting again, my mother-in-law has only been interested in the sex of the baby. Or as she puts it "I wonder if it will have an appendage". I have two girls, so it is a clear message to me that they are not good enough and she wants a boy. I have been happy enough to ignore her stupid comments but the other day when I told her I had my 2nd scan coming up this week, the first thing she said was "Do call me if it has an appendage". She then realised she had been a bit offensive and said well call me either way. I am so cross. The anomaly scan is obviously to see if the baby has any abnormalities, health or growth issues, but she has shown no concern about this whatsoever. Of course we would be delighted to have a boy, but mostly we would love to have a healthy baby. She is just being really rude and obvious about it, and making it quite clear that a girl will be a disappointment. So please help me out, how shall I handle this? We are wondering whether to refuse to tell her the sex, but that means keeping it a secret from everyone, which seems a bit precious. I am all for keeping the peace usually, but I really do want to make my feelings known to her. Any good comebacks anyone?

OP posts:

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Momdeguerre · 23/11/2009 18:18

Hi,
I have the opposite - I have a boy and my SIL has two and therfore my MIL is pretty desperate for this baby to be a girl.

I feel quite under pressure from the comments - I have no preference - boy/girl would be great and hope they are healthy.

When she last said it I told her that I hoped she would be able to conceal her dissapointment from our baby if it was a boy because I would hate him to grow up feeling inadequate. She has not said it to me since (although I know the comments continue to friends/family!!).

Original poster

ReneRusso · 23/11/2009 18:54

"maybe you'll be lucky this time round and have a boy" - that is so rude. You have to laugh (I think)

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 23/11/2009 19:02

Just to repeat the biological facts: the gender of any baby is entirely down to the father. It has nought to do with you!

I have 3 boys and am currently expecting a 4th... boy and still had all the intrusive questions about gender, gah! My stock answer has always been: "Well, that's up to DH's contribution, isn't it?" Neatly shut MIL everybody up as it alluded to the act of babymaking without being rude .

Hope your scan goes well .

Northernlurker · 23/11/2009 19:14

Quite a lot of people asked us if we were disappointed with a third girl. My brisk and robust 'no, actually we were delighted' soon shut them up! I don't know what goes through people's minds when they get in to this line of talking

PacificDogwood · 23/11/2009 19:17

BTW, you get that whatever the gender of your DC. When I had just had healthy DS3 some old crone lady offered her condolences, FFS.
Because we only kept going making babies to get a girl, clearly .

Liskey · 23/11/2009 19:28

I've had this from my DH grandparents - desperate for a boy to carry on the family name. They even commented at our wedding 5 years ago about a boy to carry on the name -they've had to wait a long time and even now we don't know what we've having (but I've got my fingers crossed its a girl as their are lots of family traditions if its a boy - christened in a special church etc).

Mama2b5 · 23/11/2009 20:20

i just had to add my 2 pence worth! i was the one who wanted a boy this time around, no way for my MIL but because it was my mums dying wish and i wanted to please her first! i know its stupid my mum passed in march and i soon found out after i was pregnant so she never knew!i have 2 DD and i so thankful they are well and healthy. Im also just praying all is well this child MY BOY!
We should be so grateful to have healthy babies regardless of the sex.
also its not the women who decide the sex but the man! so maybe she should talk to her son and focus on enjoying her GC whatever sex they are!Good luck on the scan - whatever the results i so wouldnt tell her until im ready say something like they couldnt tell was hiding it

Shauri · 23/11/2009 20:21

I had similar when expecting our 2nd. We'd had a healthy DS and everyone assumed we'd like a DD. Now we have one of each and i was asstounded when SIL piped up on hearing the news I was pregnant for a 3rd time - "why do you want to do that, you have one of each!!!" Am not sure why one of each would stop me wanting a 3rd DC

ScarlettCrossbones · 23/11/2009 20:35

"why do you want to do that, you have one of each!!!"

Shauri, MIL was exactly the same ? totally taken aback when we announced we were expecting DC3. She thought we had the perfect "gentleman's family" (older boy, younger girl) and thought that was it, we'd finished. I think she also thinks I'm faaaaar too old for another (will not even be 37 when it's born, but she was 21 when she had DP ...)

OP, you've had some good advice ? I would keep it as light-hearted as poss while making it clear her demand for a boy and nothing else is somewhat absurd!

(Am quite lucky, just have to tell a wee tale about when I was born ... am the only GC on my dad's side of the family and when he told his mother I was a girl, she said "Ahhhh, just what we wanted!" (If I'd been a boy, she would have been far too polite to say otherwise!))

sdr · 23/11/2009 20:49

I'd try to get to the bottom of the reason she's desperate for a grandson. My grandmother told my mum (her DIL) when expecting me that if I was a boy she was going to buy a pram. So my mum & dad didn't get one thinking she'd get one regardless. I was born, not a boy, so no pram. She spent the next 15 years pretty much ignoring me and buying me same gifts as male cousins.

Bizarrely when my grandfather left her, she had a complete personality change, made a big effort to get to know me and we ended up really close.

So just be a little careful about laughing it off. Would suggest though a discussion DH should have.

newkiwi · 23/11/2009 21:26

What a pain.

My grandparents showed a lot of favouritism towards my brother when we were kids. In spite of the fact that I was a total tom boy and better at a lot of 'boy' stuff than him. Looking back I know a lot of this was down to my aunt who had an awful time with her own daughter.

So put your foot down now, the kids must be treated the same, whatever they are.

Or if you are feeling really mean, tell them it's an intersex baby and you just don't know!

Hope it all goes well and you have a healthy, baby who sleeps!

BonjourIvresse · 23/11/2009 22:02

I'd be sorely tempted to tell her you weren't able to find out the sex.

sh77 · 23/11/2009 23:39

Can't wait to use some of these lines. They really cheered me up.

How awful to hear what your MIL said. Now you have some wonderful lines to keep her gob shut. I really hope your scan goes well.

Mam2b - lovely outcome. So glad your mum's dying wish came true. I hope she is smiling down on both of you.

Fibilou · 24/11/2009 15:22

ask her what she expects you to do if it is a girl, get rid of it ? That should shut her up.

oopsandbabycoconut · 24/11/2009 15:28

I have one of these too. We ahve had to have a number of scans due to bleeding in early pregnancy and the only question we have ever been asked is 'do you know if it's a boy?' We love our DD and DH would love another girl. I am working hard on persuading him not to find out when we have our scan in 6 weeks time.

minouminou · 24/11/2009 15:34

You could always give her a faux-serious look and say you've been looking into gender-reassignment should the worst happen.
Or, if, upon finding out it's a girl, you could send her the same delightful text I got from my friend "It's got a flange"....that'll counter her "appendage" fixation.
Congrats either way, and just ignore her...except, of course, to use one or more of the above retorts.

sweetkitty · 24/11/2009 15:44

Can sympathise am expecting DC4 and have 3DDs so you can imagine the comments I get.

In response to "oh your poor DH 4 girls" I tell them he gets out what he puts in, usually shuts them up.

I don't speak to my own Mother now but if I were I am sure she would be giving me all the trying for a boy comments, she has already told me in the past that only she and one cousin have "hit the jackpot" the jackpot being one of each of course and has told me DH will leave me if I cannot give him a son.

jellybeans · 24/11/2009 17:27

I had already got 2 DDs when i went for my 20 wk scan where we were faced with severe abnormalities and a poor prognosis for survival and were told it was a DD3. Never mind the fact that gender was the last thing on our mind at that point but MIL (when told was a 3rd girl who was very ill) said 'poor daddy' with a look of dissapointment on her face. Sadly we lost DD3 a few weeks later and then had DS twins. Of course people said 'how perfect 2 of each' and I felt abit sad as feels like what about DD3? Would she not have been as good? I then lost another girl and then had a boy. I couldn't give 2 hoots about gender, anyone who has a baby is lucky, some MILs suck (mine too!)

lucasmama08 · 24/11/2009 20:53

jellybeans

Can't believe some people!

FJMi · 24/11/2009 22:53

I kinda know how you feel, my in-laws obviously wished for my baby would be a boy. They didn't like it if anyone said I may be having a girl due to shape of bump/cravings/sickness etc.

It affected me so much that when I was told I was expecting a girl at the scan visit, my first reaction was to be happy that my in-laws didn't get their way!

Original poster

ReneRusso · 24/11/2009 23:08

Yeah, I know what you mean FJMi, I was quietly wanting a boy (but trying to stay open minded about it) but now I rather hope its a girl just to spite the ILs.

OP posts:

Original poster

ReneRusso · 25/11/2009 11:00

Update if anyone's watching. Had my scan today and baby has enlarged renal pelvi (kidneys) , but hopefully it doesn't sound too serious and might get better by itself. I have to go back at 28 weeks to reassess. Everything else was ok.

Scan also showed the baby is a girl so daft old bitch MIL will not be getting the boy she dreams of. I know she's going to ring to find out the sex so I'm not going to pick up the phone today, at least not until I've got my head together and also spoken to my mum.

OP posts:

LadyOfTheFlowers · 25/11/2009 11:13

Oh Rene.

No, certainly don't speak to the old battleaxe yet.

alana39 · 25/11/2009 11:26

Rene try not to worry too much about the kidney, my DS1 had this and was on antibiotics for a year after he was born to prevent infection, then followed up with scans until he was 5 but was fine. The dilation didn't get any worse, and the rest of the kidney carried on growing. I think it's actually pretty common and is one of those things lots of us could have had without knowing if like me you were born before antenatal scanning started. I've seen quite a few threads on this problem on MN in the past that you could search for if you want.

Another lovely girl, well done - my MIL is the other way round as I had 2 DSs and she said several times when DC3 was on the way that it would be so lovely to go shopping for a granddaughter. DS 3 is now 2 weeks old and she seems to have forgotten about her earlier comments now she's seen him.

FJMi · 25/11/2009 11:40

;)

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