in-laws...

[Daisy134]

Does anyone else feel as though their pregnancy is being hijacked by in-laws? I'm 38 weeks and this is my first baby. My MIL is insisting that DH calls her the minute I go into labour so that she can come over. I only want him there when we're at home, going through early labour, and at the hospital, as I'll feel even more pressurised if there are people waiting.
When I said this I was told 'not to be silly'. This is such a personal experience and may be the only time I go through it. I think we should tell people after the baby has been born, then they can come and visit. His mum seems to want to be there the minute the baby is born and I really want that precious hour or so when you get left alone - just the three of you.
DH is on my side, thank God, but I don't want to cause any friction between him and his family. It also comes through in other ways - pressurising us about Christmas and where we're going to spend it. I'll be bfeeding, sore and exhausted - we can't drive miles to see people or have a houseful.
I have no immediate family of my own (all dead) but my friends and extended family need to be considered, too. When will they be involved!?

If dh is on side then just get him to ring inlaws after the baby is born

he can say everything happened in too much of a rush to contact his mum

you can request that your MIL is not let onto the ward

most hospitals only let birth partners/partners into labour ward anyway

what you want is what should happen and your MIL will have to respect that

you need to tell your dh exactly how you feel and it is then his job to make sure his mother respects your wishes. Once you've told your dh how you feel, leave it to him and don't worry any more about it or allow yourself to be drawn into discussion if MIL brings the subject up.
I completely love my MIL but she lives a long way away and so when ds3 was born, she came to see him but stayed until about 10pm on our first night back from hospital, having a cuddle. Sounds awful I know, but I really wished she wasn't there because I wanted to be cuddling my new baby and I think when you've just had your baby YOU need to be able to be with the baby as much as possible and others need to respect that.

as for Christmas, just deflect any demands about plans by saying you can't possibly think about Christmas as you won't know how you feel until baby is born.
Invite people over for drinks/nibbles, not meals, and that way you won't have lots to do to host but family will still get to see you all if that's what you want.

It's SO hard isn't it!

I've told my MIL, very clearly, with no mincing of words, but politely, that we don't want anyone there in the first two weeks which DH is on paternity leave. Then, I said, my mum and dad would come up, then they could come after that. Better to be honest. I don't want inlaws anywhere near me or baby until I feel like I know vaguely what I'm doing, as much as I love them, MIL is such an interferer- with good intentions but makes me feel pants.

I'm sorry you don't have a mum to go to at this time, and hope there is a good friend who can do a granny type job for you. x

Current swine flu may work in your favour. I know the hospital I am having the baby at is restricting visitors to the delivery/ post natal wards. Even my DS wont be allowed to visit.

I would either say up front that your hospital wont allow MIL to be there.
Or as others have said, simply say everything happened too quickly and have your DH call after bub has arrived.

Get your DH to explain that hospital delivery wards do not have waiting rooms anymore and the only person allowd in is your 'birthing partner' and no other visters until your on the ward.

And your let them know when visiting hours are once your on the ward.

When she had your dh families were allowd to wait in the waiting until the birth.

MIL came to visit the day dd was born and stayed all afternoon and evening (even when it wasn't visiting hours!) before then coming back the following day. She then came to stay from days 5-10 to 'help out' (I ended up doing stuff for her rather than the other way round) and got a bit miffed that she didn't get to do all the cuddling during those days. But as I pointed out to DH, that was half of dd's life up to that point and I felt I had a right to cuddles!!

He is already under strict instructions that this time round she is only allowed to visit during official visiting hours and is only coming to stay if she is actually going to help as I'll be too tired to look after her as well as dd and newborn...

It sounds harsh but strict groundrules need to be set before the birth so no-one is under any illusions about whether they'll be welcome or not as I wish with dd I had been firmer at the time.

Mil wanted to be at the birth, and kept telling everybody about it. She gets very ahem...emotional (understatement) when she doesn't get her way, but I thought "No way will she spoil that for me". I told her only birth partners were allowed, but being certain that she wouldn't have any of it, had her banned from the ward (secretely), and all the staff were GREAT.

Obviously didn't tell Dp the full version of things, just told him that only birth partners were allowed.

She came the following day to see the baby, and I let her, for a little while. The real nightmare started when we got back home. She turned up up to 5-6 times EVERYDAY (she lives nearby). I have found her sitting on my bed while I was asleep, and all sorts of things that would be too long to tell on here. An absolute nightmare that drove me to the edge of depression/insanity.

When DD2 was born, I was very VERY firm with her. She didn't like it, but tough. We did ask her to look after DD1 while Iwas in hospital: DD1 got a exclusive diet of chocolate digestives for 3 days. . She did leave us in peace afterwards, but kept saying in a sarcastic tone of voice : "I let you rest this time round, huh?!".

Now DC3 is due in a couple of months, I don't even plan to tell her anything until we're back home. Dp agrees that she is one funny woman (she has done lots of things to us over the years) -and not funny haha-.

Please be firm, you have your Dh on your side, which is great, and this being your first baby, it'll set the tone for the rest of your life: YOU are in charge.

Good luck.

My mil would have been there if i hadn't stated to dd that i didn't want them told till after she was born. Like others she is an interferer who drives me to distraction but her intentions are good.....

I also had her banned and told her only 1 birthing partner is allowed (although 2 are allowed).

Sadly the IL's were the 1st visitors we had, but after the adrenaline from the birth I wasn't too bothered (as much as I thought I would be we had planned it that my mum was first as she lives 3hrs away!)

My mum lives 3hr drive away so its difficult, as I would prefer for her to look after DD while I have DC2! But I know i am going to have to ask IL's i just hope its a quick daytime labour! As I didn't really want them to know when I was in labour but at least we can turn phones off at the hospital!

Good luck! Ref Christmas I stated before DD1 to hubby that christmas always has to be at home and that when your a child the last thing you want is to be dragged around other peoples houses....so its an open invite to our house (however with it being your IL being so young at Xmas I wouldn't want anyone there myself!).her first xmas hubby and DD went for breakfast at IL's last year I got guilted into going over as well, having to leave my mum (Who is on her own) at my house [SAD] this year sadly my DH is inviting his parents for lunch which I woudl much rather not have HOWEVER we always goto my family on Boxing day as they are much more chilled and we can all goto the pub and have agood time at IL's we all just end up sitting around!

Good luck and be strong x

I cannot believe so many mothers want to be present at their grandchildren's birth! My mother said she couldn't think of anything worse than seeing me go through it and certainly the idea of a MIL being at the birth when it's not even the mother of the woman in labour - !!!!
Good luck OP and take the advice of many on this thread, so use the swine flu exclusions to full advantage!!!

oh lord.... think you need to be firm and set the boundries NOW before things creep in that will drive you mad....
you are so within your rights not to have her round immediatley, it's your baby (she had her turn!). Stick to your guns, let ds do teh letting down and for Gods sake don't get dragged around the houses for xmas with a new born (doing this nearly drove a colleague to post natal depression and totaly nixed her attempts at breas feeding)

I totally agree that you need to get DH to be firm... and you need to protect that time for what you need.

However, I really think woowa you are wrong in your approach to your IL's meeting their grandchild. Why are they lower down the pecking order than your own parents? Can you not see how hurtful and unfair that is? They are EQUAL grandparents to your newborn with your parents. You are expecting them to wait what, over 3 weeks before meeting their new granchild, having had it pointed out to them that they come after everyone else? Are you also not letting any friends meet the baby until after then? If you have a boy - how would you feel? Of course many people naturally feel more comfortable and at ease around their mother (doesn't apply to me but can understand it!) but I think it's totally unacceptable to make your in-laws wait so long and have it made so clear they aren't welcome. I feel sorry for them.

You have your dh on side - that's the main thing as you are both singing from the same hymm sheet.

I totally agree with how you feel and your feelings are paramount.

When I was pregnant with my first, dh and mil were texting each other throughout my labour
"contractions 5 mins apart"
"going to hospital"

It drove me bloody crazy.
He was discreet last time (except phoning her at 1am in the morning and not my own mum who was looking after our first child for us)

I hope this time will be different and that noone knows until baby is here.

Stand firm!

Daisy134 I SO FEEL YOUR PAIN.
Ive been with my husband for 16 year now, we met just before I turned 17.
He has a mum and dad, 3 sisters, 2 brother in laws and 3 nieces and a nephew.
They come as a package!!! Not so much the brother in laws but the mum dad, sisters and nieces and nephew do everything together.
They hyjacked my wedding and ruined a lot of it for me.
They are, ahem, a little rough round the edges, very very ignorant (most people who meet them are astounded by 2 sisters in particular).
Every christmas is full of emotional blackmail.
Every family occasion MUST be adhered too the MiL's way.
We used to HAVE to go every Sunday for dinner or she'd be on the phone, all huffy.
When my DS was born, they all visited the hospital at once even though they were told it was 4 to a bed.
They passed new born DS round like pass the parcel, and kept saying my shot, my shot again.
I had just had an emerg c section, he wasn't feeding and it nearly sent me over the edge.
I was home saturday tea time 6 days later and they were all there Sunday afternoon passing him round again, over and over again.
By the time they left I was actually having a full blown panic attack (had never had one and never since) having a baby is very emotional and you will be made of glass!
This year, im too scared to take the swine flu vaccine, Im due early January so had decided to keep a low profile all december and not go to party's and gatherings.
My MiL has booked a panto and xmas party to take my DS to.

Im sorry, Im ranting now!!
My point is (at last), Ive let them.
For all these years I have tried to please them, ive been scared they'd be talking behind my back if I wanted stuff like my wedding and my baby coming home my way!?!
I get all worked up when things like this Panto happen because now im going to have to tell her (or rather my DH), that he can't go because its weeks before the birth and we are nervous I catch swine flu or any other flu/virus for that matter as Im hoping for a VBAC this time and being ill won't put me in good stead.
I read your post and I was so angry. I thought how bloody dare they (in laws or anyone for that matter) decide how they want the first few hours or even weeks of YOUR babies life be spent.
It made me realise that it is our job to stand up for ourselves and just say what we want and to hell with them.
These moments in your life should be treasured and be a happy occasion to think back on and not undermined and ruined by interfering like that.
My SiL's won't think much about my wedding 7.5 yuears ago now, but I do.
I remember all the tears and stress they caused me. I remember letting them have their way at my expense.
I remember all the stuff that happened to me and my DS after he was born but they will be oblivious.
You make sure you protect these moments for yourself and your husband or only you will live to regret. Your MiL will get over it a lot quicker than you will if that moment or your first few weeks are over shadowed.
Im going to get stronger too. What have we to loose? Good luck x

It's really to read all these posts.

Tbh, it sounds a lot like my mum!!!! I love my mum v much and she is great, but SO OVERBEARING! I'm pregnant with 1st child, which will be her 1st dgc.

She is buying everything DH and I need and tell us off when we buy things! Also, she tells EVERYONE she meets that her eldest daughter (me) is pregnant - she tells people in cafes, shops, work etc.

On the other hand, DHs mum (my MIL) is a nightmare at the other end of the scale. She barely mentions the baby in polite company, has just about told people in her village that we're expecting a baby and forgets that things have changed a lot since she had her last baby (20 years ago).

No one will ever respond the way you want them to, and it's amazing how upset we can get about that.

I'm v excited about when our baby is born, but also dreading it cuz my mum wants to be my 2nd birth partner. I only want DH there and told her that hospital only allows 1... so she rang hospital to check and they said 2 is allowed

On the other hand, I think we'll need to send a written invitation to in-laws to formally invite them up to visit baby when it's born We've given them the pram to keep in their house so they can't delay coming up!!!!

Argh!!!

Oh you have my sympathies, I had my DD in Nov last year and went through all of the feelings you are. I told my DH not to tell anyone I was in labour and I was having a homebirth (my MIL cried saying she wanted to be there at the birth). As it turned out, I went into labour at 4am, i was in labour for days and eventually at one point, my DH had to fill the birth pool and as I was alone on sofa i got scared and called my mum! That then meant DH felt he had free rein to call his!

I transferred to hospital and my DD's first vistor was MIL! She was there within hours! I discharged myself after 18 hrs after a c section which was stupid, esp as all my in-laws turned up (2 sets as they divorced) all at the same time, passing DD around and asking my mum to make them all drinks.

It makes me so so cross even now, totally spoiled my first days with DD. Put your foot down, its such a personal thing, you really do decide what you want and what you can tolerate in the moment. FWIW after the intial excitement my in-laws dont bother with DD at all now which is sad for her but great for me

As for xmas, i refused to leave my house. I said anyone is welcome to visit on the day but they feed themselves. And i stuck to it.

It's a good thing you have your husband on your side and this means that you can just agree between the two of you that no one calls her.

Was it yout MIL who told you 'not to be silly'? I find that really rude.

Thank you so much to all who posted - you've given me so much reassurance. I was getting really chewed up about this at the weekend, which doesn't help at the moment!
It's just a shame that so many other people have felt the same pressure at a time when they're really in need of support!. Much as I like my in-laws, they can be tactless at times and at the mo, DH and I need empathy and thoughtful people around us. Will stand firm!

Daisy, I sympathise - my in-laws haven't been a problem at all during pregnancy (in fact, I wish they'd be a bit more interested in their first grandchild) but we have had a rocky relationship over the 8 years my husband and I have been married.

Can I encourage you that it is worth putting your foot down if you feel you need to. My MIL is a very over-emotional, controlling, manipulative person (mainly because she is insecure) and cannot bear not to get her own way. Over the years we have 'put our foot down' over quite a number of issues (and more often instigated by DH rather than by me). The result was short term grief & hassle, but in the long term, our relationship with them has really improved as a result. They treat us with more respect - a bit more like adults - than they did before, which helps us to feel much less negative towards them, and therefore helps us have a much friendlier relationship all round.

My top tip is that if pressured, stick to the 'stuck record technique' eg:

MIL: I insist on being there at the birth
DH: Well, DW and I have talked about it and decided we don't want anyone else there.
MIL: But I really want to be there!
DH: DW and I have talked about it and decided we don't want anyone else there.
MIL:
DH: DW and I have talked about it and decided we don't want anyone else there.

It works a treat as it helps avoid getting drawn into an argument - they can argue with your reasoning, but can't dispute the fact that the two of you have reached a decision. My ILs will now accept (most of the time!) that we mean what we say.

I hope things improve for you!