What am i doing???

[Deemented]

God i feel so bloody guilty. My husband died almost a year ago and now here i am pregnant with another mans child. I loved my husband more then anything and to loose him was so awful, and it's been so hard. My ds was three and dd was just 13 weeks when he died.

We had to move house and we slowly put our life back together again. I then met up with an old friend and we were just friends for a long time, then i realised i had feelings for him. We decided to take things really slowly, but it turned out that the condom split and my pill failed the very first time we were together and im now 15 weeks pregnant. I agonised over wether to keep the baby or not, and spoke to the father about it and we decided to have the baby and try to make a go of it.

So why do i feel so bloody awful, so gulity? Like i have betrayed my beautiful husband. I really hate myself at the moment. In all honesty i wish i wasnt pregnant - it came as a huge shock and i really dont know if its ehat i want but its too late now.

Sorry this is all garbled, can hardly see the screen for tears. Just feel so low and alone.I deserve to be.

oh must be very hard for you.

would your husband not wanted you to have been happy and enjoy life? cld this not be afresh start for you?

no real words of advice tbh as not been in your position

must have been very painful for you

You don't deserve to feel low - you have done nothing wrong.

You feel low, because you are still grieving for you DH.

I meant you feel guilty because you are still grieving.

Are you living with the father of the baby now?

Maybe the birth of this baby will be the start of a new era in you life. I eally think you need to talk to someone in RL about this - such as a berievment councilor.

No we aren't living together yet, though we do plan to in perhaps October time, just getting DS used to having him around first.

You haven't done anything wrong. You suffered more in a short time than many of us have to face in a lifetime but the sugffering that you've had doesn't put your life into cold storage. Your children are growing, you are doing things every day, meeting people. There are lots of things in your life that you can't now share with your husband. Tbh I think if you weren't pregnant and having this siuation there would in all liklihood be something else happening to you that you felt bad about and as if it were a betrayal. It wouldn't be, anymore than this is but what I'm trying to say is that feeling how you feel is part of your grief not that there is anything wrong with the choices you've made.

Babies happen, the best laid plans and all that and i firmly believe that a baby, a new life in the world, a new pair of eyes looking at things - well that is always good news. Please be kind to yourself, you will get there.

i agree to the bit that NL said about a baby being a new look on things

i am pg with ds1 (dc3) and i have been ill with depression for 9 months now and knowing that my ds is coming at xmas has turned a switch on in me and given me a new lease on life

i am not comparing to losing a dh as that must have been very hard but just if you try to let yourself relax and enjoy things may slowly get better?

does your partner know how you feel?

Hope you are feeling a little better this morning, Deemented.

Thank you, i am. I think it's just a combination of hormones and the fact that his birthday and anniversary are so close.

Deemented I didn't realise you had all this going on aswell, apparently we don't do hugs here but I think you need one.

Thanks Dizzy. How are you doing?