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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Happily unmarried and pregnant... don't want to be judged

54 replies

Joy27 · 02/07/2009 17:40

In short, my partner and I are expecting a very much planned baby and we couldn't be happier about it. We're not married and have no immediate plans to get married.

We're in the process of launching the happy news into the world at large. My immediate family have been totally fine about our unmarried state- it's not even an issue. For most people, quite rightly say I, the same will apply.

But I can think of two people at least (close rellies) who might take issue with the fact we're unmarried.

Now, I really am not looking to start a debate about whether or not we should get married. Not only are we happy with the status quo but we are fully aware of the legalities of it all (can you tell I've read many a bunfight about this on MN before?!).

[pre-emptively defensive emoticon]

I'm really looking for advice from fellow sinners... If people judged you on being unmarried/lobbied you to get hitched when you announced you were expecting, how did you deal with it? Did it spoil the lovely "announcing" moment? And how did you fend off their comments?

I'm not so much worried, as wanting to avoid sobbing/arguing with anyone after telling them the wondrous tidings.

Any advice much appreciated!

OP posts:

diedandgonetodevon · 02/07/2009 17:43

Just tell them there's nothing worse than a pregnant bride

e3chick · 02/07/2009 18:59

Noone batted an eyelid as far as I knew. But then again, I wouldn't have given a flying one if they had said anything negative. And really, I am sooo surprised that there have been bun fights on MN about it...surely noone can feel that strongly about whether someone else gets married or not?!

Nekabu · 02/07/2009 20:49

Tell them one major life experience at a time is enough for you ...

Ewe · 02/07/2009 20:51

Nobody cared that we weren't married at all. I can't even imagine that there are people who are bothered by this! I would tell them where to stick it if anyone made any negative comments about it.

flowerybeanbag · 02/07/2009 20:58

Will they really say anything?! How rude if so! Sounds all very antiquated to me. I certainly wouldn't get drawn into an argument with anyone rude enough to say anything negative after your happy news.

Pingpong · 02/07/2009 20:58

diedandgonetodevon then you insult pregnant brides
I like Nekabu's answer
and Ewe of course people have an opinion on this. People have an opinion on everything!

Pingpong · 02/07/2009 20:59

congrats by the way Joy27

arolf · 02/07/2009 21:03

Oh, we're in the same boat - my family are being particularly awful with regard to nagging about the wedding - we've decided our attitutde is one of 'sod it - our baby, our lives'. However, my family don't know ours was planned they are all convinced it was a happy accident.

Oh, and we are now engaged, and planning to get married eventually - but since in the past year I have managed to emigrate to the USA, hate it, relocate back to Britain, get a fabby new job, find somewhere to live near there, get engaged, AND have baby on the way, we've told my parents where to stick their ideas, as I've got QUITE enough on my plate without pleasing aged relatives as well.

end well-rehearsed rant

oh, and congratulations!

FairMidden · 02/07/2009 21:05

Congratulations!

I honestly think in this day and age it would be very unlikely for anyone to actually pass comment on it directly to you. Anyone who did might be someone whose opinion didn't matter quite so much to you anyway

We're not married - we'd been together around 4 or 5 years when I got pregnant though, so it wasn't a flash in the pan. My mum took me aside and said if we wanted to have a quick private wedding by ourselves she and dad wouldn't mind at all - but I think that was meant as a reassurance rather than anything else. There was no other mention of it.

I think if you enthuse about the pregnancy lots and smile and gloss over any mentions of marriage as if you haven't heard them, you will be fine.

giddykipper · 02/07/2009 21:05

No one mentioned it. I think my parents were just overjoyed that they were going to be grandparents.

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 02/07/2009 21:09

When I got pg with DS1 we weren't married. DH's parents were the first people we told. We were hoping for an 'oh, how lovely, congrats' type of thing.

First words out of FIL's mouth were 'Are you getting married?'

To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

AnarchyAunt · 02/07/2009 21:17

Ex's bloody mother was a bit funny about us not being married.

We told her I was pregnant and the next thigs she said were, "You will have the baby in hospital won't you?"

and "Well you'll have to get married, you can have a nyooomanist wedding if you really won't go to church"

We took no notice.

mummyofthomas · 02/07/2009 21:18

Congratulations well everyone was pleased for us and didn't comment on the whole living in sin thing apart from my grandad (he is 80 and very stuck in his ways) and he never comments to me just to the rest of the family,I don't care really and he loves our son just as much as everyone else but did make me feel a bit uncomfortable breaking the news to him as I knew he wouldn't approve - he sort of grunted rather than jumped for joy when we told him lol. Although we are engaged and have been together for 6 years we haven't managed to tie the knot yet and since we found out yesterday that baby number 2 is on the way, doesn't look like we will be anytime soon. Don't pay any attention to other people, this is such a special time for you so just enjoy it Goodluck with the pregnancy

FairMidden · 02/07/2009 21:19

She sounds like a hoot, AA

Tillyscoutsmum · 02/07/2009 21:21

No one mentioned it to us at all (certainly not to our faces anyway). I'd be really surprised if anyone was that bothered nowadays

quirkychick · 02/07/2009 21:21

We're not married either, have been together 8yrs and am pg with number 2. I think MIL would like us to get married but she's stopped mentioning it after dd - think she got the message.

A lot of people presume we're married, I get a lot of "your husband" but usually I can't be bothered correcting.

Tillyscoutsmum · 02/07/2009 21:22

Oh and congratulations.... and if anyone does say anything, just tell them you like the idea of your dc's being involved in your wedding

AnarchyAunt · 02/07/2009 21:24

Yes, a hoot, thats the word....

[glad she is now exMIL]

quirkychick · 02/07/2009 21:28

I did get a few "was it planned?" at work with dd, er yes. I don't know if I will this time, at least people will stop asking if dd is an only one (yes, but not intentionally) or even worse saying we should hurry up and have another.

Whether you are married or not 'tis none of their business but when you are pg/have dc you become public property.

NervousTeacherNamechanged · 02/07/2009 21:42

We have been together nearly 12 years and I'm onto my 3rd pregnancy. We never really wanted to get married, but we are very happy and committed and all 3 babies were much wanted (and we were ttc for a while with the first 2).

I didn't really get any comments with DS1 at the time of announcing, but when unfortunately he died (he was stillborn) the first thing that came out the mouth of an elderly (and very religious) friend of my mother was, "Never mind! When they get married they can have a baby." Yes, because that's why we lost him - because we weren't married .

As someone else says, anyone who says it to your face is usually someone who is likely to go around offending you whatever you do.

crokky · 02/07/2009 21:49

Joy27 - I think that anyone voicing anything other than congratulations is extremely rude.

Personlly, I felt very strongly that I wanted to get married and we did get married quite quickly and before we had any DCs. However, other people choosing to have DCs and either not ever getting married or getting married at a later date is fine - I don't understand why it would matter to anyone. If it was me, I'd say - look this is the 21st century - half of all children are bon outside marriage (I think!) and what we are doing is perfectly normal.

Gromit78 · 03/07/2009 06:54

I can see the argument on both sides of the coin. I am sure that any relatives who suggest you get married have your best interests at heart as well as the baby's.

By all means announce the happy news and discuss your reasons why you don't want to marry at the moment to anyone who asks.

People only sob or argue if they are really passionate about a subject, but they do need to respect your wishes.

pippa251 · 03/07/2009 08:20

We aren't married, when my mum asked if we were planning on it as it would be the best for the baby- she is divorced and had a very unhappy marriage- I simply replied 'you of all people should know it's a happy stable enviroment which helps the child not a peice of paper which is all too easy to get out of these days'

I was in a very hormonal mood

I simply explain to people that I want it to be a family occasion when I get married and how better than to involve the child when their old enough to remember- I want my DD to be a flower girl!

HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/07/2009 08:24

congratulations on your pregnancy.

bugger what other people think. It's your life, live it in the way that makes you happy. You say you know the legal problems that can occur (in the event of death or separation) if you are not married so I assume you know that you'll have to make sure you get that covered legally. So that just leaves the 'moral' aspect.

it's 2009, not 1809. Many people choose to not marry. Who cares? I mean, really?!

4andnotout · 03/07/2009 08:30

I have 4dd's with my dp, and we are not married, well tecnically he is married, unfortunately to someone else

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