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Original poster

Happily unmarried and pregnant... don't want to be judged

54 replies

Joy27 · 02/07/2009 17:40

In short, my partner and I are expecting a very much planned baby and we couldn't be happier about it. We're not married and have no immediate plans to get married.

We're in the process of launching the happy news into the world at large. My immediate family have been totally fine about our unmarried state- it's not even an issue. For most people, quite rightly say I, the same will apply.

But I can think of two people at least (close rellies) who might take issue with the fact we're unmarried.

Now, I really am not looking to start a debate about whether or not we should get married. Not only are we happy with the status quo but we are fully aware of the legalities of it all (can you tell I've read many a bunfight about this on MN before?!).

[pre-emptively defensive emoticon]

I'm really looking for advice from fellow sinners... If people judged you on being unmarried/lobbied you to get hitched when you announced you were expecting, how did you deal with it? Did it spoil the lovely "announcing" moment? And how did you fend off their comments?

I'm not so much worried, as wanting to avoid sobbing/arguing with anyone after telling them the wondrous tidings.

Any advice much appreciated!

OP posts:
Lizzzombie · 03/07/2009 08:32

I can honestly say we've had no negative comments at all. Both families are very conservative, and my parents especially are very very religious. Yes, they would like/have liked us to get married, but are aware DP loves me and DS and has no plans to go awol.
My Mum (who is ultra religious) was just pleased that I'd have the chance to be a Mum, because she has thought that I'd be the spinster on the shelf smelling of pee! (I was 30 when I got pg - so hardly over the hill imo!)
Having said that, I didn't actually tell her until I was about 5 months gone!

Original poster
Joy27 · 03/07/2009 10:25

Ah thanks for all your advice ladies, I feel less worried now.

I just didn't want to feel like I had to justify my (very stable) relationship and (totally planned) pregnancy! Now I realise that it's not my problem if people take issue- it's theirs. And I won't even start justifying. Will just emphasise how happy we are. To be honest I think grannies/m-i-(sort of)-l will be too excited to judge too much.

Or perhaps I'll say "well since I don't know who the father is, I thought it best to keep things open" . That'll shut them up! (Is not true, by the way!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Joy27 · 03/07/2009 10:26

Also I'm encouraged to see so many fellow living-in-sinners who've had babies- and that most of you didn't get any negative comments at all.

OP posts:
fleacircus · 03/07/2009 10:33

We've never had a problem... DP's mother and my aunt are both actively religious but neither of them has voiced any negativity (whatever they might actually think). Before I was pregnant the first time DP's step-mum used to say that her daughter should get married now that she has a child, but that was more to do with inheritance laws given the value of their property, which doesn't affect us. And she's never mentioned it since. The only thing I did find was that a few friends assumed it was an unplanned pregnancy, which surprised me (we'd been together for 6yrs and living together in our own flat for 5yrs) - I can only think this must be because we weren't married. But it didn't bother me, really.

shoesies · 03/07/2009 10:33

I'm not married either and I've found an awful lot of people have assumed the baby wasn't planned (it certainly was!). But all the grandparents and family were so excited by the news I don't think they gave a shit if we're married or not.

I'm in a happy, long-term and stable relationship and have never felt the need to marry to "prove" this although I have occasionally felt a bit sad at the idea of having a different surname to my child. (DP is very passionate about his family history and wouldn't consider our child not taking his surname - something I support but which still makes me feel a bit wierd, iykwim!).How do other unmarried mothers deal/feel about the surname issue?

Reginamygina · 03/07/2009 10:37

Joy, my Fil has made many a comment about this, quite nasty.

We went to a wedding when I was pg with DD1, and at the table, in front of everyone (incl me), he said "oh well, at least {the bride} she is doing the right thing, getting married, then having babies".

Dp's boss is the worst though. Dp's colleague announced that his girlfriend was pg with their first, his boss said "what is wrong with people, bringing bastard children into this world????". Then proceeded to cinically congratulate him on his bastard child. When Dp announced to his crew that we were expecting a third, he quickly told his boss to shut his mouth and not dare to mention bastard children, otherwise he'd shut his mouth for him.

(the bloke is about 50, and doesn't have any children of his own, yet lives with a lady who has a child by someone else....)

Fuck'em, i say.

JulesJules · 03/07/2009 10:49

Congratulations!

I think everyone gets the "Was it planned" question - we certainly did and we had been married a while.

I'm sure I saw somewhere that most babies now are born to parents who are not married - can't see that anyone apart from the ancient and hootworthy could have a problem with this. And if they do - well it is their problem, isn't it.

Either way - if you are pg and not married people ask you if you are getting married, and IME, when you tell people you are getting married, everyone asks if you are pg!

corblimeymadam · 03/07/2009 10:54

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mangopassionfruitshake · 03/07/2009 10:55

I didn't get any negative comments, and I work with a bunch of nuns! They all thought it was lovely. And gave me loopy advice - start practicing now: smile and ignore, smile and ignore...

Lizzzombie · 03/07/2009 10:59

Just have to add - being not married & living with DP.
Not sure which bit of my life is the "living in sin" bit...
Maybe it happens when I'm cleaning the toilet, or scrubbing out the oven or doing the weeding. Maybe this is my punishment for not being married, and people who are don't get dirty toilets, ovens or weeds??!
Living in sin sounds naughty and passionate and illicit. And my life isn't that! Its very hum drum! Maybe I'm just not married to make myself sound more mysterious!

Reginamygina · 03/07/2009 10:59

@ the way I spelt "cynically".

fleacircus · 03/07/2009 10:59

DD has DP's surname and so will DD2 (due in September) - he wasn't bothered either way but my surname is hideous double-barrelled nonsense and I think kids should have the opportunity to blend in if they want to.

4andnotout · 03/07/2009 11:12

Our dd's have dp's surname as we do intend to marry in the future so hopefully i will eventually have the same surname as them

slug · 03/07/2009 11:18

We had a really strange reaction. MIL and FIL had been dropping hints for ages that we should get married. When we announced our (very much planned) pregnancy and plans to get married before the birth their reaction was "Oh you don't have to get married just because you are pregnant" Which was kind of weird because, actually, we did have to get married due to complex issues with the Home Office.

WreckOfTheHesperus · 03/07/2009 11:31

We got a lot of "was it planned?" questions;ironic, really, when most military campaigns are probably not as tightly planned.

But my absolute favourite was DP's batty old aunt saying "Are you going to keep it?" - luckily we found it funny....

Original poster
Joy27 · 03/07/2009 12:07

Yes, the "was it planned?" question is very rude. Essentially asking about your sex life! Perhaps we should say with a smile: "Oh yes. And while we're sharing, how often do you have sex?"

Surnames are another issue. We will probably go for double-barrelled, but then what do our kids do if they have kids? Tbh whispers I would be happy for the baby to have DP's surname... but my feminist tendencies are making me think I shouldn't be....

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alana39 · 03/07/2009 13:48

My sister isn't married and just had every relative on both sides very happy they were going to be grandparents etc. I got married young and everyone in my family asked me was I pregnant.

People find a way to be nosy / rude about everything, main thing is to ignore them most of the time. That way you can continue ignoring them when they graduate to comments about how you choose to bring up your children.

On the name front, one of my friends used the mother's surname as a middle name, so it wasn't double barrelled exactly but still recognized both surnames. Does depend on what you name is, though...

ActivityApple · 03/07/2009 17:12

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idreamofbeanie · 07/07/2009 15:50

Hi,

DP and I have been together for about 13 years - since high school - and I think everyone has just gotten used to the idea we aren't going to be getting married. Since we have let people know I am pregnant a few people have asked whether we are going to get married (the next question is always oh, so who's surname will the baby have then) but just in an interested, non-judgmental way. Strangely, the only people who seem to care are some older ladies DP works with. They keep telling him that I DO want to get married and he MUST ask me as they are SURE I am secretly very upset he hasn't proposed. DP has tried pointing out that I have never wanted to get married and am very capable of telling him if I have changed my mind (I am certainly not shy about these things ) but they had been driving him bonkers until I suggested he just tell them that he has proposed and I turned him down. Since then they have been totally sympathetic, sure that he is heartbroken, and keep bringing him tea and cakes .

wrigglershouse · 07/07/2009 20:56

I've had a few meaningful glances at my ring finger since I started showing from patients at work. And I AM married, just had to take rings off as my fingers have swollen up and they were in danger of getting stuck.

It's rude and these days I don't see there is any reason to even think about it.

mumbot · 07/07/2009 21:29

Been very happily not married to dp for 12 years, one dc and expecting 2nd.

Apart from the odd hateful comment from MIL, it hasn't been an issue.

We chose a double barreled name for dc to reflect what our relationship is; a partnership.

Many congrats by the way xx

Original poster
Joy27 · 08/07/2009 17:50

OP here...

Well, we've had one semi-negative response so far, from partner's father. Dived straight in with comments on unmarried status before even congratulating us.

He also questioned me on what I plan to do about work. "You don't want a stranger looking after your baby"

All other family members have been great.

Thanks for support/advice

OP posts:
ErikaMaye · 09/07/2009 00:10

Congratulations on your news

We're not married either... And the first question is - "Was it planned?" and the second is - "When are you getting married?" It seems bizzare! DPs mother spent the whole of the other weekend when we were up there finding ways to drop weddings, marriage, cake, rings, suits, dresses, you name it, into conversation!

I'm sorry to hear about your DP fathers responce... I hope he comes round in time.

Original poster
Joy27 · 09/07/2009 09:09

Thanks Erika. I feel quite philosophical about it now. I very much see it as his (f"il") problem, not ours. It's his privelege to have a wonderful first grandchild in his life- and if he's going to be sour about any part of it then he's the only one that will lose out!

OP posts:
ErikaMaye · 09/07/2009 19:40

Well exactly I didn't mention actually - DPs Dad really disapproves too. Although they're talking again now, he has never asked after me or after the baby. It bothered me at first, now I'm really taking the same kinda attitude to you!