I've been reading threads for a couple of weeks, especially Busierbee and Linspins and have eventually plucked up the courage to post.
I had a termination on 23 March, I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I had my triple test on 11 February and it came back that my chance of having a downs child was 1:170, not fantastic but not awful either. However, I miscarried back in 2006 at 11 weeks and the doctors felt that child also had downs so Hubby and I had already discussed options before becoming pregnant and knew we would want an amnio to know for sure. I had the amnio on 2 March, which in itself was horrendous as it took 4 hours and 4 attempts. I spent the next 2 days working from home taking it easy and felt fine. The first week waiting for the results went by quickly the 2nd week dragged and every day I'd hope the post would come. If I got a letter the results were fine, if I got a phone call from hospital it was bad news. During this time I had an appointment to see my consultant and I was booked in for my c-section on 11 August.
On Monday 16 March I got the phone call I'd been dreading, the result was positive the baby I was carrying had downs. I was heartbroken, we hadn't told anyone about being pregnant, we wanted to wait until we knew everything was OK. We hadn't even told our 7 year old daughter who is desparate for a brother or sister. I felt like my life had ended but we'd already made the decision to terminate. You see I suffered very bad post-natal depression and only came off my anti-depressants in December when I found out I was pregnant. When I say bad I mean bad, at times I considered suicide and my counsellor wanted to section me. For me to have a healthy baby would mean struggling with my emotions so to have one who needed all my care and attention would not have been fair on me, my hubby or daughter.
I spent the next couple of days crying, wanting to know why me, all the usual emotions. Going to the hospital for the termination was the worst thing ever, I cryed all the way there and was beside myself when I got there. The midwifes were fantastic and let me calm down before they came to talk to me and we started the process. The next couple of hours are a bit of a morpheine blur and at 7.10pm our son, Joseph was born. He looked so perfect but I felt a strange sense of peace. It wasn't until I got home 2 days later it hit me. I've killed our baby, I can't get it out of my head. I feel distraught, I want my baby back in my tummy, I want me boobs to hurt again, I want it all to be OK. I feel I don't want to talk to anyone about it as I can't stop crying. Hubby is being a tower of strength and he keeps saying we made the decision which was right for our family and I know he's right but that feeling of having this little being inside you kicking and then it not being there is just too awful for words. I feel isolated, I feel alone, I feel why has it had to happen to me, have I been so bad. I only know one person who's ever had an amnio let alone have to make decisions like we've made in the last couple of weeks. I don't know how to deal with things, I don't know if I'll smile again. If I'd had a miscarriage I think I could have dealt with it easier because I have no control over that but I had control and chose to end my pregnancy. The pain is horrendous it feels like my heart has been ripped out. I'm 40 this year, so I feel my time is running out to have another child and of course your risk of having another downs child increases after you've had one (or possibly two in my case). I know Busierbee and Linspins have been through simialr things and I know exactly what they are going through and my heart goes out to them and anyone else in my situation.
I would have been 22 weeks pregnant on Wednesday this week and had my 20 week scan booked in. Every day is a struggle, I cry as soon as I wake up and cry myself to sleep for what I've lost. Beforehand I never imagined my feelings would have been this strong. We've still got Joseph's funeral to go through, which thankfully the hospital are organising. I don't think my life will ever be the same again ....