OK I'm PISSED OFF, but need to know if I'm being unreasonable. How much time will your DH take off after the birth?

[SobranieCocktail]

Because DH has just informed me that my due date clashes with one of his colleague's holidays, and that both of them can't be absent at the same time.

I'm fuming....I was SOOO knackered and fanjinally injured after the births of DD and DS, and it's going to be even harder this time round as I'll have TWO pre-schoolers to look after as well as the newborn.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!

DH took 2wks for DS,2 for DD1 and 3 for DD2. I needed him to take the extra wk 3rd time because I couldn't cope with a baby and 2 screaming/fighting preschoolers.

I'm amazed at you lot on here who just coped on your own. It makes me feel rather sheepish but they used to constantly fight and throw things at each other. They'd also just come into the kitchen, pull a chair up to the side and get all sorts out of high cupboards. I also once came upstairs to find them both stood on a window ledge with DS pressing the child lock button to open the window. So really I was as worried about their safety as my sanity.

...But I digress! It can be so hard to cope on your own when you really don't have any support either family or friends. Nobody to do school run etc. I think you need to just sit down and explain how you feel. Hopefully he'll realise how important it is to you.

I might have missed something in this thread but why aren't your other children in longer daycare hours? Or least at daycare at the same time (preferably in the morning so your husband can take them in)?

myredcardigan - yes! THAT is more like my life!

With DD1 and DD2, he was a SAHD, so I was the one out on mat leave.

With DS, he took a fortnight's worth of paternity leave and a fortnight's holiday as I have no help at all whatsoever when he's working and also have two girls in preschool.

what do you mean, noone to do the school run??

I did

took dd1 (8) to school and dd2 (3) to nursery 27 hours after I gave birth to gecko

what am I missing, what else can anyone do?

chaya - they will be in for the maximum "free" hours (2.5 a day). Can't afford to pay for any extra childcare.

I was feeling all inadequate reading tales of toddlers who are happy just to sit and read with Mummy and gaze at cute newborn. I'll have one of those please!

TR - that's great for you that you were able to walk 27 hours after the birth, but I could barely stagger to the loo for about 48 hours after. Surely you must have heard about what childbirth can do to the fanny/arse area even if you were lucky enough not to be injured badly? I also lost quite a bit of blood with both and felt faint after standing for more than a minute.

Poor you

I know it's not ideal as you'd want him there with you, but just from a oping point of view could you think about hiring a mother's help/ postnatal doula/ maternity nurse or something for a week or two after the birth til you get your energy back?

oping= coping

Well TR,I was fine too but I've had lots of friends who could barely walk for up to 1week. One who was in agony for about a month after a 3rd degree tear. She couldn't get upstairs for 2wks! It's not a quick recovery for everyone.

I wasn't saying it was

noone had actually mentioned any specific needs to take a long time to recover so I thought we were talking in general

and I was limping, in a lot of pain and exhausted, dizzy but my mum came with me and I took it easy

had to be done, what else could I do?

I think part of the problem is that you just dont KNOW how you'll be. You might be skipping about happy as larry 12 hours after giving birth and more than capable of coping - or you might be in a great deal of pain like you were last time and not really up to doing anything significant for a good couple of weeks.

Thats what makes it very difficult to compare how others coped. It all depends on how good/bad/terrible you feel afterwards and that varies so hugely from person to person.

Bearing in mind your history I think you'll just have to put your foot down with DH.

Hope you get it sorted x

If you can get your dp to at least get a few days immediately after then thats fab and you should press him for it, esp as you may be ill.

my dp is useless with babies, he has only just given our ds about half his night time feed and he is 1! he has never changed a bum or got up in the night or anything. but saying that if i need something he will go out any time of day any distance to get it for me, so he helps me in a way that he feels able to and comfortable with. its not that he doesnt love me or our dcs its that he's built llike a brick out house and tiny children terrify him as he's so heavy handed he's scared to death he'll harm them or drop them!

i think for me its appreciating that the way he helps me may not seem "it" for everyone else but its the best he can do and if i can accept that and thank him for it he's more inclined to try harder and do other things. that doesnt mean to say i dont want to scream at him sometimes, hell, i aint perfect!

i hope you get what you need re time off, and the best of luck!

TR - ah if your Mum came with you that makes quite a bit of difference Must be soooo lovely to have a Mum near by! I also did mention my previous vag wounds in my OP

Ah well if you had your mum that does make a difference.

I had no family whatsoever. Parents visited for half a day, then PIL visited for another hal day. We didn't have local friends who weren't at work either. So I wouldn't have had anyone between 7am and 8pm.

TR - wy didn't your mum go for you..instead of with you?

Just to clarify, she was born on the thur night. Parents drove up to see her on Sat morning,left at lunchtime. PIL drove down to see her arriving 9pm Sat eve,leaving lunchtime Sun. Didn't see either again for months.

MRC - Oh it's sad having far away parents and in-laws, isn't it? I'm trying to persuade mine to move up here

Sadly not true at all, blu, but thanks!

I think you just have to let your husband know that you need him around, emotionally and practically. Even if it's just a "want" and not a need (and it sounds like a need to me, given your previous history of- like most people- taking a while to recover after the birth) it should be enough to trump any work commitments. Also, we're talking a good few months to go here- can't he and the holiday guy train up another colleague in the basics and plan how the office can get by for a couple of weeks without them both by then? I'm sure they're both brilliant but no one is truly irreplaceable and their very brilliance should allow them to find a way to solve this problem!

Righto - I've had a chat with DH and he's reassured me that he will definitely take the full two weeks, unless I'm feeling fit after a week in which case he'll go back to work and negotiate with his work to have extra leave to make up for the lost paternity leave.

Yipppeeeee! That's great news, SC.

mum isn't close at all
only time she uses all the money they have to get up here

she couldn't go for me as she isn't sure of my car or where we had to go (about 8 miles)

I guess if you can't manage then the kids dont go to school

hope all goes well for you

I wasn't having a go, TR. Just pointing out that having your mum with you was different frombeing on your own.

To be honest both my mum and MIL were/are very career driven working 60 or so hours a week so even if they were around the corner it would have made no difference.