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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

OK I'm PISSED OFF, but need to know if I'm being unreasonable. How much time will your DH take off after the birth?

78 replies

SobranieCocktail · 11/02/2009 16:06

Because DH has just informed me that my due date clashes with one of his colleague's holidays, and that both of them can't be absent at the same time.

I'm fuming....I was SOOO knackered and fanjinally injured after the births of DD and DS, and it's going to be even harder this time round as I'll have TWO pre-schoolers to look after as well as the newborn.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!

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JulesJules · 11/02/2009 16:26

My DH took his 2 weeks paternity leave and then 2 weeks hol. I do not think his employers can say that he can't take his paternity leave, anyone else's holiday plans are irrelevant. They could not have said to you - sorry, you can't take your maternity leave then, someone else has got holiday booked. Obv he can't give them a definite date yet, but he should tell them when you are due so they have a rough idea. My DH took one day from his annual leave the day DD was born and then started his paternity leave when I came out of hospital. He added the 2 weeks leave on top, this was all agreed beforehand, they could have refused the holiday request but not the paternity leave.

ScummyMummy · 11/02/2009 16:27

He needs to grow a pair and tell them he's going to be off for two weeks, if that's what you all want. It's the meek pussy footers like him who put work above the interests of family who'll get sacked first. It's obvious really- they're the easiest people to sack because they're so eager to please that they'll go "Oh, ok. I understand that the needs of your business trump my humble needs and those of my unimportant family and I'm very happy to give up my job if it helps you, lovely business. Bye bye."

SobranieCocktail · 11/02/2009 16:28

Blu - he's known since I first did a v early test (i.e. about 6-7 weeks ago).

I seriously have NO help. Family all live down South, and we;re in Edinburgh.

I was really incapacitated after my first two births (tears, massive swelling etc) and I honestly can't see how I will be able to cope with a three and a four year old plus newborn all by myself this time round.

Maybe I need inspiring stories from you hardcore wimmin who have been coping toute seule withn hours of the birth.

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SobranieCocktail · 11/02/2009 16:30

SM - I will indeed be telling him that.

The weird thing is that he is usually SO involved in all things family, and I never ever DREAMED he would suggest this. Really, he's not the type! He took 2 weeks off after the other two births despite his (previous) employer being a bit narky about it.

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SobranieCocktail · 11/02/2009 16:32

buggylovin - my two DCs are LOOONS and will not take staying in the house for more than half a day without kicking off.

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sassy · 11/02/2009 16:33

The day I gave birth. Both times.
Err. That's it.

(Will now read thread)

buggylovinmummy · 11/02/2009 16:38

Oh dear prob wont be as easy then!! My dd was happy just to spend a few days on the sofa having cuddletime with mummy and new baby.

Def think he should push for the time off though as hes entitled to it.

ScummyMummy · 11/02/2009 16:38

Good. I completely understand your peevedness. I would be incredibly upset if my partner did not want to take the full 2 weeks. Mostly because I would take it as him being underenthusiastic about our new baby, which would make me feel gutted. I get a big kick out of the fact that he is as excited as I am. I do think it can be different for people who are self-employed or in a life/death type profession - might forgive a dh who was the only consultant brain surgeon in the country or something for not taking the full 2 weeks- but in general I think it's pretty off to not prioritise your partner and children at a new baby time. Really hope he will change his mind, SC.

Haylstones · 11/02/2009 16:38

If you really want positive stories about hw you can cope my dh only took a couple of days off after I had an ecs. He did do a bit of working from home so he could drop dd off at playgroup (friend brought her home)but he didn't really help much at all. I have no family nearby at all so only had friends helping out with dd when I couldn't drie.
However, it wasn't ideal and I'd have liked him to take more time off but I wanted to get stuck in on my own as soon as possilbr(control freak alert) so I wasn't too bthered. As it is (understandably!) really important to you, you need to make him aware of this and pile the pressure on. Surely with that length of time they can arrange some kind of cover? Good luck.

Haylstones · 11/02/2009 16:39

Excuse typos, my laptop keys are sticking for some reason

sassy · 11/02/2009 16:39

Disclaimer.. I was well, the babies were well, and he was self-employed, BTW

Dropdeadfred · 11/02/2009 16:40

how old are your other 2 dcs?

JulesJules · 11/02/2009 16:42

This is from the Direct Gov site:

How much paternity leave can you take?
As long as you meet certain conditions you can take either one or two weeks. You can't take odd days off and if you take two weeks they must be taken together.

You can choose to start the leave:

on the day the baby is born
a number of days or weeks after the baby is born
from a specific date after the first day of the week in which the baby is expected to be born
Your leave can start on any day of the week (but not before the baby is born), but has to finish within 56 days of the baby being born or, if the baby is born before the week it was due, within 56 days of the first day of that week.

(The conditions are that he must be an employee and have been working for the employer for the duration of your pg. The paternity leave is paid leave)

If I were you and felt strongly that I needed him there, (which I did) I would absolutely insist that he take it. Not taking it, in my view, implies that it's not really important, work is more important, babies and families are just for women to deal with etc etc.

Blu · 11/02/2009 16:42

Scummy is right.

She always is.

SobranieCocktail · 11/02/2009 16:45

Haylstones - yes I really do genuinely want to hear stories about coping, so thanks!

I don't really have any friends who can help out with what will be the nursery run. Most of my good friends are pre-DCs, or live too far away.

DD should be going to nursery for 2.5 hours in the morning, then DS for 2.5 hours in the afternoon. The school is a brisk 8 minute walk from home, but I just can't see me being up to it for at least a week. The alternative (having them both at home until I feel recovered) is also bringing me out in a sweat.

DFD - they'll be 3.1 and 4.8 in September.

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insertwittynicknameHERE · 11/02/2009 16:49

DH took the day I gave birth to DD off and went back to work the day after.

With this lo, he will be taking a weeks paternity as he gets full pay for one week. But he works term time only and this lo is due around the the same time as the summer holidays, so hopefully I should have DH home for 4-7 weeks depending on when baby makes an appearance.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 11/02/2009 16:57

DP's employers were quite good about it all.

I saw my consultant late in the afternoon and was told I would be induced the next day.

DP was given the day off as domestic leave, and then took proper paternity leave after my mom went home (she stayed for 3 weeks which is another story )

I would say that your DH needs to put it in writing; that he intends to take paternity leave on such and such a date. Then they will have to approve it or refuse it.

Are there specific guidelines at your DH's company?

Neeerly3 · 11/02/2009 17:02

my dh will be taking 3 days pat leave which is full pay at our work. We can't afford to drop to statutory as well as me being on mat pay. I have 2 other DC's but they will continue to go to nursery (they are 4) full time til March when they drop to part time as my pay will be half plus stat for 12 weeks. I have no family locally either, but its a case of put up or shut up for us, as money is tight!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/02/2009 17:12

HE's entitled to two weeks PAID paternity leave, as long as he gives the appropriate notice. It's his works problem about finding cover.

SEe below text from the HMRC website:

Leave/pay
Your employee should tell you when he expects to stop work by the Saturday of the 15th week before the week baby due (use the Important Dates tables (PDF 49K)).

This notice can also apply for pay

he must confirm the date of birth
you can ask for this in writing
you are not entitled to ask for evidence of the birth.
You should accept any delay in giving notice if the employee has good reason. Employers should allow sufficient flexibility of notice because of the possible differences between the expected date of birth and the actual date of birth.

Notice can be given:

personally
by someone else
by post, fax or email.
Choosing dates
Your employee has the right to choose when he wants to take leave within a set period. Usually he can choose to take one or two whole weeks leave, but not two separate weeks, any time up to eight weeks after the date of birth or if the baby was born early up to eight weeks after the Sunday of the week in which the baby was due.

Employee does not give acceptable notice
Leave/pay
If your employee did not give you 28 days notice and he has not got a good reason for being late you can delay the start of leave and the pay period until you have had 28 days notice. However, employers should allow sufficient flexibility of notice because of the possible differences between the expected date of birth and the actual date of birth or if the baby was born early up to eight weeks after the Sunday of the week in which the baby was due.

Change of mind
Your employee can change his mind about the dates but should give you 28 days notice of his intended dates. Employers should allow sufficient flexibility of notice because of the possible differences between the expected date of birth and the actual date of birth

He can get SPP if:

he worked for you in the UK in the 15th week before the week baby due
you were liable to pay Class 1 NICs on his earnings for that week.
He can still get SPP if you would have been liable to pay Class 1 NICs if his earnings had been higher. Tables showing the week baby due, the latest start date for employment with you and the 15th week before the week baby due are on the Important Dates tables (PDF 49K).

Step 2
To get SPP the father must continue to work for you from the 15th week before the week baby due right up until the baby is born. It does not matter where he works, or whether you are liable to pay Class 1 NICs. All other SPP rules apply.

kiltycoldbum · 11/02/2009 17:15

well i had elec-c/sec with dc2, when our dd was 2.5yrs, dp looked after her for the 2 nights i was in, when i came home he went out 10 mins later, that was as far as any real help went really.
I spent a lazy couple of days on the couch and just poodling around the house, tv was on and dd basically got to do what she wanted, after that i was up hoovering, making dinner etc like id never actually been in hospital, even strapped baby to me and pushed dd in the pram up to the shop (only 10mins walk) on day 4. It really was a matter of just getting on with it.

Am currently pg 22wks, am expecting no help whatsoever, whats the point. when this one comes i'll have a 4yr old an 18 month old and am not sure whether i'll need another section. i'll only stress at him that he's not doing enough or what i think he should. its easier and less stressful if he just leaves me alone to find my own way and has no expectations of me. IE, DP can be of no help as long as he doesnt expect housework to be done, clean clothes or dinner, expect these things? then help. I actually find it less stressful then hoping for something that may not materialise.

i dont think he actually understood that a section was a major operation, twit.

SobranieCocktail · 11/02/2009 17:18

Thanks VVV

I suppose the problem is that his job isn't the sort of thing you can get cover for. The company need his and his colleague's v in depth knowledge for a partic project.

However, this is not MY problem, and he's emailed to say that he didn't realise there were restrictions re: taking paternity leave (i.e. it can't be "split"). He also says not to worry and that he hasn't committed to anything. Hmmm. Just as bloody well!!!

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SobranieCocktail · 11/02/2009 17:19

Fark.... I really do you feel for you lot whose DH's can't/won't stay at home for more than a day or two after the birth.

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whyme2 · 11/02/2009 17:20

My dd4 was born on a sunday and dh went back to work on the wednesday. It was Aug so no school thankfully but I had 3 lively dcs aged, 5, 3.5 and 21 months. I'm not sure we ate a proper hot meal those few weeks but we coped. I even took all 4 on the bus for baby's hearing test. Looking back I'm not sure how we managed but I knew I had no choice.
We did pay a neighbours daughter to help, she was a childcare student, perhaps you could try this. Your health visitor may have some ideas, mine arranged a free creche for the youngest and a homestart volunteer.
HTH and good luck.

TrinityRhino · 11/02/2009 17:21

first time = he was under the water, didn't see him till she was 3 weeks old

second time = a week but thats cause I was in hospital a hundred miles away

third time = half a day to bring me home from hospital and hug me

SobranieCocktail · 11/02/2009 17:22

whyme2 - holy shit.

I really do feel quite inadequate now

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