SIL going in for c-section - Has no one to take care of her kids

[GillL]

Sil is 33 weeks pg and has been in hospital since Sunday. She has placenta previa and had a bleed. They have planned a c-section for Tuesday next week. Fil has her 3 kids at the moment and has had to take holiday from work. He has no more holiday left and can't afford to take unpaid leave, so he has to find someone else to look after them from Sunday. Dh and I can't take them as we both work full time and already have 2 kids (13 months and 3.5) of our own with no room to sleep 3 more (17 months, 2.5 and 3.5).

Fil is panicking because sil doesn't seem to be doing anything to sort this out. She doesn't know anyone near where she lives who can help out and there is no other family in a position to have the kids. He is considering contacting social services.

Does anyone know what help sil can get in her situation? She is a single mum and the dad is not around.

Where is the father of the child and the father of the existing three children what about his/their parents (the other grandparents), can't they help ?

I think a lot of the people criticising the OP for being unable to accomodate three very young extra children in her life have missed the point that her and her dh work full-time because they need to, they cannot help out much financially. Challenging employers to provide cover by a request for leave to sort out a family crisis in an employment market heading into recession with redundancies is not a good idea for the stability of their own family life. Not everyone can reasonably physically acommodate that many extra children for what could turn out to be months.

I am at the SIL having a fourth baby with no father around and obliging her family to be the safety net if anything goes wrong, which in this case it has done.

If you are a SAHM or work only a couple of days a week please don't criticise the OP at a time of emotional stress for her and her FIL.

If the children have to go into foster care temporarily and maintain contact and visits with the OP, their grandfather and of course their mother during this time then it is unlikely that they would not return to their mother's care in due course.

my motive wasn't to make anyone feel guilty

I just think it shows what can be done - I bet if the OP's neighbours and friends knew about the stark reality of her situation they would club together, work out a rota among those who do/don't work outside the home to look after her kids.

In the end, my friend's parents all rallied round (they live in the Midlands) and were able to get here for the actual birth and do the school run etc.

GillL - where is the dad, btw?

sorry, I meant "OP's SIL's neighbours"

If you or yr fil ask SS you might find they will be able to help them to stay with either you or your fil.
Ask about a section 17 payment.
Its a short term allowance which can be paid to family members to avoid a child/ren having to be taken into care.
3 children's foster care payments would be fairly steep so they might be fairly amenable as compensating a family member for their additional costs would probably end up costing less.
For example it might go towards the lost income from having to take unpaid leave and the extra food costs etc.

bundle - sorry didn't meant to imply that. Just meant the general tone of the thread.

What I'm trying to establish though (and I have asked a few times!) is why this rallying round by friends and neighbours, working out the rota, chipping in for childminders etc, is better than letting them go to a foster family?

I think that could be far more unsettling for the children than being in a foster placement where everything has been put in place to care for them.

What is so bad about temporary foster care?

sclub if I was the SIL I would rather my children were looked after family than by strangers organised by SS - especially if I had 4 children so young. I would be worried about SS wanting further involvement.

However, if it really can't be managed any other way then the OP is kind to be organising or at least finding out about alternative care on behalf of her SIL. I just find it a bit sad that it isn't possible to keep within the family, but then I have a huge and supportive family which isn't always the case I know.

I have to deal with SS in relation to ds1. I would not want them sorting out care for my children & would prefer to avoid any involvement from them. If it was me 100's of miles away from nieces and nephews I would send dh up there to look after them at their home if at all possible. If it wasn't the I would bring them down to us. Sorry I would see that as better than foster care. That's just based on my experiences of dealing with SS. I wouldn't trust them with a dog, let alone my children or relations. And as PL says as a single mother of 4 I would rather avoid contact with SS.

Ok, I can see those points. If there is a fear that SS are going to get 'too involved' or put you under scrutiny I can see why you wouldn't want them involved.

I only have my experience to go on which is when my SIL couldn't look after her son (because of her mental health), SS fought hard to make sure he stayed within the family and SIL had regular access to him.

It could be that the OP has no reason to think that involving social services will be a bad choice. Maybe they can reach a compromise like the one that welshdeb suggested.

I hope it all works out for them all though.

I am shocked by the way this thread has gone but for different reasons than most of you I'm afraid. As I said in my post I have a very good expereience (second-hand) of temporary foster care whilst my friend was hospitalised and delivering. There was never any question of SS not returning her son. it really concerns me that so many of you view 'in care' as an entirely negative state and assume that once SS have their foot in the door they'll take over. I am also quite shocked by the reaction to the OP. As at least one other poster has pointed out she and her dh both work full time and have three small children. It may be possible to slot one child into you life and routine to the benefit of all but three - come on people. The op would need more space than she has, more time than she has more cash than she has....it's not unreasonable of her to be unable to do that. Especially as the alternative is not exile to a foreign land but the pacing of these children together in a stable enviroment on a temporary basis. Quite honestly if we want to condemn anybody perhaps we should look at the mother of these children who 'doesn't seem to be doing anything to sort this out' Being pregnant and having complications whilst lone parenting is highly stresful i'm sure - but still I know that in her shoes I wouldn't set foot past the admissions desk before sorting out my kids - and that would include not assuming my family would pick up the pieces.

I should clarify I'm not a single mother of 4 (bit ambiguous- was thinking about the SIL) and I've never been under scrutiny from them, but as a result of my dealings with them I just think they're incompetent, and I would personally feel much happier if my children were with family. I think usually it is in the children's best interests to be with family rather than foster carers- however long/short the placement.

But also - as I've said I've seen the fall out through the generations when this happened to my grandmother. She never forgave her sister for not taking in her children when she had to go into hospital.

My friend is a CM and takes children through Surestart. A CM could provide day-care for the children on a temporary basis during the day. The GF could drop off and pick up at the end of the working day?

FWIW i would rather have that arrangement and know my dc were being "cared" for than go to family who didn't really want to look after them.

I've had very negative dealings with SS when my aunt was struggling with my autistic cousin. She wanted some temporary care which led to 'assessments' to see if the home was suitable for him to return. Lots of delays because 'we don't have a date when everyone can meet for another 6 weeks' etc. This was followed by accusations of abuse, the removal of her other son for over a year. The autistic child went from being non verbal to having a vocab of 2 words and occasionally managing to use the toilet so the opinion was she was not interacting enough with him and was not suitable to parent a disabled child (he had been in care for over a year by then). Now they say it might be too distressing to remove him from his foster home as he has been there for almost 3 years. She just wanted a break and is a lovely mum to both her boys. Its not a common story but it happens and it destroys the lives of the whole family.

butler you do make a good point. SS don't just come in and merrily collect the children, they have to do assessment. These are pretty intrusive.

FWIW I know a similar story. Mum was in hospital, severely autistic child taken to their - the child's- usual SS respite provision. Dad came to pick the child up and the child reacted very negatively (because Mum always picked the child up, not Dad - so Dad in the child's world was 'wrong'). This was noted and they took the child into foster care because Dad must have been abusing the child for the child to react so negatively. They know & understand so little about autism it is frightening.

I was talking about this with a school mum today who fosters regularly, she said its not taking them into care that will be the problem its getting them out esp when she will be under stress from c section and prem baby with no support its such a shame.

Really should be the childrens father/s responsability.