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Pregnancy

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Original poster

SIL going in for c-section - Has no one to take care of her kids

89 replies

GillL · 18/09/2008 12:41

Sil is 33 weeks pg and has been in hospital since Sunday. She has placenta previa and had a bleed. They have planned a c-section for Tuesday next week. Fil has her 3 kids at the moment and has had to take holiday from work. He has no more holiday left and can't afford to take unpaid leave, so he has to find someone else to look after them from Sunday. Dh and I can't take them as we both work full time and already have 2 kids (13 months and 3.5) of our own with no room to sleep 3 more (17 months, 2.5 and 3.5).

Fil is panicking because sil doesn't seem to be doing anything to sort this out. She doesn't know anyone near where she lives who can help out and there is no other family in a position to have the kids. He is considering contacting social services.

Does anyone know what help sil can get in her situation? She is a single mum and the dad is not around.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FoghornLeghorn · 18/09/2008 15:41

Me too DDF

bundle · 18/09/2008 15:41

kerryk · 18/09/2008 15:45

my brother got a flight up from london to help me out when i had flu and no-one else could step in. (everyone else was on a family holiday)

thats what familes do, he slept on my couch and it would have cost him a good few ££££ that he cant afford to lose.

can you not at least have one of the children, let grandad have another etc. not ideal but at least they will all be with people who care for them (i would hope)

Pawslikepaddington · 18/09/2008 15:49

Why couldn't you do as Kerry said and split the children between you and FIL? It will be v stressful for them that their mum is spending so much time with the new baby and can do v little for them, so will need some love and attention from someone familiar. I'm about hour away from Kings Cross, so prob two hours from your sister, but I would have them for the few weeks-I'm not doing great financially either but rustling up a few more portions won't harm-dd barely eats hers anyway !

kerryk · 18/09/2008 15:54

exactly. living of beans on toast for a week wont do any lasting damage.

cant say the same thing for the children to be split up and taken into care.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 18/09/2008 15:59

"cant say the same thing for the children to be split up and taken into care."

Unfortunately this was certainly true of my mum and her siblings. They still talk about it their time in the children's home now and they're all in their 50s or 60s. However, the greatest damage occurred between my grandmother and her sister. They barely spoke again.

I could never not take dh's niece and nephew in as I know my grandmother would be spinning in her grave.

I really urge you to think carefully about refusing. Honestly the fall out from my great aunts refusal to temporarily care for her nieces and nephews caused damage across the generations.

It's not unreasonable to expect your family to look after your children if you get ill.

Lazycow · 18/09/2008 15:59

I think if you really can't take them then SS need to have as much notice as possible to find a good Foster family who can take all three.

I would hate to see my dn's in care but I appreciate not all situations are the same.

Many people here have offered to have them and a good temporary foster family would be no different to that. You need to avoid them being taken into car as an emergency where they may be split up and put in homes rather than with families.

sclubheaven · 18/09/2008 16:10

Assuming the OP can't/won't take the children in, can someone please explain why it would be so bad for the children to be looked after by foster parents for a few weeks?

We aren't talking about sending them to the workhouse, but living safely with a family approved by SS. I think given the young ages of the children it's highly unlikely they would be put in a childrens home.

Surely foster care is better that than living overcrowded in the OP's house with not enough money for food and resentment at having to look after them?

cazboldy · 18/09/2008 16:12

GillL - no it makes me feel very

I feel so sorry for your poor sil , and hope you never find yourself in a similar situation!

PInkyminkyohnooo · 18/09/2008 16:16

can you not take them and camp them out in your sitting room? Or top and tail with your DCs? Otherwise you could club together for a childminder for her?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 18/09/2008 16:17

i;m sure we can all club together for a few tins of beans can't we??

very about this all - if it was my nephew/SIL, then i'd offer to go to their house and sort everything out form there - look after him feed hims etc keep it tidy while |SIL looked after the baby & herself.

last thing she needs a the mo is additional stress.

SS foster care isn't the way forward here.

why don't you want to help - aside from the financial aspect?

Upwind · 18/09/2008 16:18

The OP says she has no room to sleep three more, I think we have to take her word for that and quit trying to guilt her into taking them in. My neighbours have two DC and another on the way in a small one bedroom tenement flat. They can't afford to upsize and literally would have no space and money to take in three more.

It might be best to contact SS re. foster care. Though with 4 children so very close in age, I don't understand why the Dad, and his family, are not part of the equation.

PInkyminkyohnooo · 18/09/2008 16:21

I wasn't trying to guilt her into it, Upwind, just thinking aloud about how I'd fit them in my house if it was me.

My friend got a nanny through a chairty when she had twins and her DH was out of the country for a few weeks (unavoidably) I wonder if something similar may be possible.

bundle · 18/09/2008 16:23

when a lovely friend of ours was taken to hospital (with suspected pre eclampsia - it wasn't, thank goodness!) I arrived at the same time as the ambulance, with my girls in their nighties, me in driving the car with no shoes on, to take their 4 yr old son home with us.

I live in a 2 bedroom flat - the kids topped/tailed.

LadyMuck · 18/09/2008 16:24

Agree with upwind. Also as I don't think the OP lives that close to her SIL. I think that if you come from a close family then you assume that everyone else's is like that. I haven't seen my 2yo neice since last Christmas, and wouldn't assume that I was automatically better suited to looking after her than anyone else. Clearly there is a lot more to this situation than what we have - there is a total absence of the paternal family, implications of a single FIL etc.

sclubheaven · 18/09/2008 16:26

I think people are being a bit harsh to the OP. She has asked here for what help her SIL can get, so is obviously concerned.

I'm also a firm believer of 'if there's a will there's a way' and it's easy to come up with suggestions as to how she can take the kids in. But at the end of the day for whatever reason, she and her DH can't or won't.

I can't understand why some are so strongly against foster care, especially when one of the alternatives has been clubbing together to pay for a childminder - the children would still be spending all day with a stranger, if they did that.

crokky · 18/09/2008 16:27

Gill - can your parents or your inlaws help? Have either you or sil got any siblings? Her kids are v similar ages to yours - could any of them go where your kids are during the day? somebody must be able to help?

sil is probably worrying about her stb preemie and prob has presumed fil will look after her kids.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 18/09/2008 16:27

I've only seen dh niece once and his nephew 3 times. They live at the opposite end of the country. If there was no-one else to take them in I would do it because I believe as family you have a responsibility to ensure they don't end up in care. If there was a willing friend they knew better then of course that would be preferable.

It sounds as if there is no-one else in this case.

Upwind · 18/09/2008 16:30

I didn't mean you Pinky. I was looking at a few other posts. Indefinitely taking in three-under-four is no small undertaking and I was just pointing out that it is not feasible for everyone. Plus, this may not be a one off

LadyMuck · 18/09/2008 16:30

Interesting thought Bundle. I've done similar for a friend (though I was dressed!). I went and ran her house when her waters broke at 35 weeks whilst her husband was away.

But I've only met my SIL less than a dozen times in my life. I've met my niece 5 or 6 times. It is a totally different relationship.

sclubheaven · 18/09/2008 16:34

but jimjams, you are talking about them 'ending up in care' as though the SIL will never see her kids again! It won't be like that. They will be with a foster family, they will be allowed to see their mum. She isn't having them taken away from her, they are just being looked after.

If, as in your example, you took your neice and nephew in, they would be at the opposite end of the country to their mother with people they don't know. How would that be any better just because you are related to them?

bundle · 18/09/2008 16:37

I didn't give it a second thought ladymuck. I know the boy reasonably well, but he'd never had a sleepover before and all I wanted to was to take away the worry about what to do re: their ds. I was more worried about dd1 when I was planning the birth of dd2. In the end she stayed with a friend too, who was more than happy to have her at the drop of a hat. I think you do that when your family isn't close, especially in London.

crokky · 18/09/2008 16:42

Has sil got neighbours that might help? I'd have my neighbours boys if she had a problem.

crokky · 18/09/2008 16:44

I remember as a child, my mum had taken in her older brothers 3 kids on one occasion and on another occasion her younger brothers 2 kids. It really was an adventure. Me and my brothers thought it was fab and had no idea that our aunties and uncles had problems to sort out at the time.

sclubheaven · 18/09/2008 16:45

bundle, what you did was fantastic. I would have done what you did to. I'd like to think that I could do what the OP can't do for her SIL.

But at the end of the day, taking on one child for a few days is not the same as looking after 5 children under four, for at least a month when you work full time and have limited space and money.

I don't think she should be made to feel guilty about it when there is other help out there.

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