Things they don't tell you before you get pregnant

[AnguaVonUberwald]

I know this has been done before, and that there are lots of bad things they don't tell you before you get pregnant.

But also, everyone goes on about how once you have the baby your life will never be the same again - they don't mention that you will love the baby so much, you will really like the new way, and not mind that everything you once enjoyed about your life has changed, because you have your baby instead.

OK, and then there is:

That you might never get the second trimester energy rush, and in fact might be exhausted all the way through!

That you will get instant attention from the NHS, until you get to 36 weeks pregnant, and then they will ignore you unless you can prove you are in labour (something that is impossible to do)

That you will never see the same midwife twice

That they will make you take home your wee, clean out the tub, and wee in it again a month later!

that your stomach will hang like a pouch for quite some time....

and that your minge could literally be hanging inside out after you've given birth!

PAPER NICKERS!!!! GOOD GRIEF!

ah, the first shower after baby is born. i've been visualizing that.

hotmilk is awesome.

that buying a corset to wear the first 6 weeks after giving birth will wrangle in those ribs that spread.

that your male friends won't be able to take their eyes off your 'cannons' and DH/DP will be very proud of them and brag to those very male friends.

that your nice, pink little nipples will grow dark and large. how big are babies mouths for god's sake?

that other people can be a real pain in the arse. They can tall you:

• Oh my god, are you gonna pop soon? (when you're about 30 weeks)
• Are you expecting twins?
• This is going to be a big baby
• Work colleagues actually comment on the ugly shoes you are wearing, completely ignoring the fact that your feet are twice their normal size and that nothing, NOTHING is comfortable
• people don't offer seats on the underground, and say sorry, I didn't notice (
• someone actually said to me that morning sickness was 'all in the head'
• someone will say 'well my friend only put on 25 pounds during HER pregnancy'

etc,etc

...that you will get a hariy navel but the hair on your head will fall out!

Seriously, if you saw my midriff you would think I was a chimp

Oh, and the not being able to get out of bed/bath/shower/sofa without help and/or industrial crane.....

afterbirth pains. no one EVER tells you how bad they can be, especially after second, third or fourth children.

i'm bringing my own paracetemol and ibuprofen and swallowing them whilst they administer that placenta injection.

DON'T take co-cocodamol for them, it'll constipate you ever worse and if you've already got horrible piles, you'll wish you were dead.

that there will be another mum on the school run who is due around the same time.

However she will have a perfectly formed neat bump and still be a size 8 from behind; you will have expanded in 10 different directions, with your bump almost touching your knees and feeling like a heifer twice a day

That your tummy muscles won't actually work any more - they don't just look knackered, they are knackered. You can't get up from lying down without flopping around like a beached seal.

And following on from that...

it is possible to get stuck, yes, stuck in the bath. Don't have a bath if there is no-one else in the house and you are in the last trimester.

that morning sickness can put you in hospital on a drip unable to stand without vomitting and you will be threatened (and luckily not in my case) with a nasal tube for feeding if they can't control it.

that your body can change not only in shape and size but you can get liver spots, skin tags, more moles and pinprick marks.

that constipation and wind can be on a par with almost any other pain known to man.

just came back to this and loads of brilliant ones, esp the mother in law who thinks she should be at the birth! i have one of those.

That "baby brain" is not made up. That when you realise at 10pm you left your hair straighteners on since the morning and thank god the house hasnt burned down. Or when you flush a washing up sponge down the toilet and watch it disappear thinking "how odd, a sponge down the toilet" and wonder how the hell to explain it away to your dh without using the phrase "baby brain".

That for quite a while after the birth you will feel like someone has hit you between the legs with a baseball bat

That because of the sheer size of maternity pads you will walk like you have pooed your pants for a while too!

if you have a section how bloody hard it is to get up and moving 12 hours after the birth. and you might faint whilst trying to do so

that you are moody whilst pg - dh 's mantra was "pg women are mean"

thrush - and you can't use diflucan, you have to use the cream and pessary

how when the baby cries someone will say "o'h he's obviously hungry" all the time

You can't move for last few weeks because of the sheer pain in your hips and back and knees, you get indegestion from anthing (my mw told me last week my bowels have moved to my bra line!!! I coughed in dh's face before i told him this and said 'what do think i just coughed up? '

birth oplans are ridiculous: you get what you're lucky to have going and get given, frankly, that when in labour you don't mind hw many staff stick their hand up your fanjo, and your pre-pregnancy nipples go from pert little pink nipples to thiese huge saucer sized brown things that just do not seem sexy!

that you hate every min of the first trimester and cant wait to start enjoying being pregnant.

biggest one not feeling like having sex with oh, miss it so much

that your stomach will look like a deflated spacehopper after birth and for several years afterwards.

...that you were deluding yourself that you always had pretty good pelvic floor muscles (even though dh agreed) when at 22 weeks you feel like your entire uterus is about to drop through your vagina.

...that male colleagues will notice your breasts getting bigger before you do.

...that pregnancy symptoms can disappear the second that baby is out. Although you will then have other things to contend with (like those non-functional pelvic floor muscles ).

Oh, and that strangely, in a consumer society, no-one has yet invented a leakproof nappy...

that you still look 5 months pg for a while after (especially if you retained water)

That you will change shape so fast that you keep on overbalancing and bumping into things.

That your feet will get bigger and may not go back to normal again.

That you may not be able to sleep properly for weeks before the birth, let alone after.

That everyone will tell you their most gory childbirth stories.

I wasn't warned about the horrible leg cramps that strike in the middle of the night.

That you won't be able to see past your belly button, and therefore can't maintain a neat ladygarden!

That epidurals don't always work!

That your dh will not be as interested in the pregnancy as u'd like,and will never ever read the books!

That the injection they stab into your thigh to get the placenta out quickly actually really fecking hurts!

And your gums recede after the birth reminding you of your Mums teeth

Thank when you are 38 weeks pregnant and in the bath, and you empty it before you get out so as not to cause a tidal wave on exiting the tub, that after hoiking the plug out with your toe, half of the bathwater will still be behind your enourmous wide bulk.

Nobody told me about SPD.. that my pelvis would be strectch so far out of shape that it added another 2" to my hips!

That first poo after childbirth is way scarier than the labour itself!

sorry, just thought of another one..

That every time you go for a pee when you're in labour it'll kick-start another contraction!

That everyone will tell you you don't know what your letting yourself in for, as if all babies are the devil incarnate!

That you will forget what it feels like to have an empty bladder in the last trimester!