I want to have baby number two but DP doesn't. How do I persuade him?

[Eggymum]

This is my first post and I really need some help. I'm nearly 39 and have a lovely DS, 21mths. I would love a brother or sister for him but DP is absolutely adamant he doesn't want any more. I don't want to 'accidentally' get pregnant but I do want to persuade him that it's the right thing to do. Can anyone give me some really good reasons for going for it?
Thanks!

Poor you.

Did you and DP ever discuss the number of children you wanted before you conceived DS? Perhaps you could gently remind him of this if you did and see how he responds.

he may be feeling a bit overwhelmed by DS and unable to imagine either coping with another or loving another as much. Have you asked specifically why he doesn't want another?

It must be very hard to, but if you can have the conversation about his reasons without getting emotional and overwrought, or trying to outsmart him at every objection, it will help. Make a note of his objections, and try to come up with some good, real reasons why they can be overcome - men seem to cope better with hard reasoning (i.e. 'I've done the budget and overcome your financial concerns') than emotional arguments ('but I know we can afford it!').

Sorry, don't know if that helps or not...

Thanks Hopefully. DP always knew I wanted two. He would talk about having a child but didn't say that this was all he wanted.

We are talking a lot about it but DP's very effective at arguing! We talk and talk but we can't seem to come to an agreement. He sees another baby as more stress and less time to do things other than parent.

At best we put the discussion on hold for a while but it's always there as an issue

I'm 38 and 12 weeks pregnant with no.2. Its me that wasn't sure about having another child DH was very keen, however I wanted my daughter to have a sibling and also think that the closer together (DD 21 months) but not too close the faster the time that the baby years will pass.

Time is not on our side so I think you need to resolve this asap. Try and get his objections clear and then see how you can resolve them.

I have signed up my daughter to go to pre-school earlier than planned for 3 mornings a week so I have some time to myself before no.2 arrives plus I'm going to hire a post natal doula as I have very little family help so I am worried about being overwhelmed with two. These two factors helped me agree to try for no.2.

Good luck.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that I feel very sorry for you. I had great trouble convincing dh for one child (I'm now 30 wks pregnant). It's only after tears and threats that I got to this stage! He's okay about it now though, we'll see what happens when baby arrives!

I would tell him that the big period of stress is there anyway with one, so you may as well have two, since one day when you're old you'll be glad to have the two of them and not put all your eggs in one basket. More likely to enjoy times with them as adults, have grandchildren etc. Your life has changed forever now anyway, you are now in family mode, it has happened. So better have one more quickly, it will only add 2-3 years more of that primal family stage. In the grand scheme of life it's just a very short time.

Anyway that's what I'd say... good luck!

oh yeah: you bought all the stuff already so the cost goes down sharply for number 2...

Thanks for suggestions and support. It seems that these issues are not unusual. I think if I tackle the practical side and make that sound reasonable, he might be able to picture a DC2.

What about stressing that you don't want DC1 to be an only child? And how sad it would make you to see him grow up alone.......and what a responsibility it will be for the single DC to look after the both of you when you are old etc. If you feel like there is someone 'missing' from your family (which is how I've felt before and it made me cry) tell him that.

My Dh wasn't keen on a 2nd either, - had always just wanted one child, but I got pregnant accidentally when DD was 4.5 (and it was actually a genuine accident) and now DD2 is his favorite, he absolutely adores her and we're just pg with DC3! - which I have to say wasn't an accident and if anything was HIS idea this time.
This maybe doesn't help but I think it shows that men can change their minds about this. My DH is prob similar to yours in that he just couldn't face dealing with any more of the stress, chaos and hassle that comes with small children. I think he's now come to realise that a happy family and all the fun that comes with it makes all the hassle, sleepless nights, stress, expense etc worthwhile.

Just be honest, explain how you feel and as others have suggested make sure you have concrete ways to counter his arguments / allay his fears.
Best of luck.

based on my limited personal experience, ds2 has not caused additional 'stress'... actually its almost easier having 2 cos even with a large age gap (7 years between my 2) they somehow keep each other entertained, which sort of makes more time for me and dp...

I cannot give you any advice on 'persuading' DH and I guess you are using the normal arguments of having someone to play with, being close to a sibling etc.

I would say that TBH, don't try and persuade him, state your case and leave it. If you do accidentally get PG, I think this would have an effect on your relationship and might well be a very bad thing to happen.

And if he really doesn't want to and you love him, then you have to come to some form of compromise.

I am watching this with interest because my DH is exactly the same (although my DS is younger - 12 months old). I think I've identified that my DH takes the view he does because he is an only child and liked it a lot. That means that I have to try to persuade him that having a sibling is in fact great. If yours had a sibling, did he find it difficult?

This is such a tough one. I could not bear to become 'accidentally' pregnant in case it really backfired. I hate to say this, but my Mum did exactly that and my Dad ended up walking out on her (not to say this will happen to you!).

The only thing I say to mine is: 'what if DS moves to Australia aged 18 and we see him once every couple of years?' This seems to be having (slow) effect. Best of luck. x

Hmmm. I have had the same problem and found it very distressing. In the end he kind of changed his mind himself, i put forward some arguments re siblings keeping each other entertained in childhood, one extra not being as big a jump as from 0 to 1 and citing male friends who said this, burden on child as we get older if he has no siblings etc. He himself decided that we were getting almost obsessed by our first child and would be better sharing the attention out a bit. (think this can be easy for 'older' parents to do' DH is 45). I also told him once, quite honestly, that i was much for keen for the second baby than the first. with the first it was, well, i don't know what it will be like, let's see what happens, if i manage to conceive etc, but now i know how much i enjoy being a mum i am really keen for a second. It sounds like emotional blackmail but it was true and i think it sunk in. Eventually he did change his mind and we tried again. We thought we were losing the baby at 7 weeks pregnant and i could see then he was really keen for it to happen 2nd time round - quite a shift in only a few months, so it can happen. I'm now 35 weeks pregnant so nearly there.