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Pregnancy

Will they talk about it?

82 replies

notpregyet · 20/08/2008 16:40

I'm not pregnant yet but thinking of trying soon.

A LONG LONG time ago i had an abortion. I was very young, it was about ten years before i even met my husband. I had double contraception failure (condom and MAP) and it was absolutely the right thing to do as i went on to get my degree and allow my then boyfriend to do his phd. We would not have made it together as a couple and i can offer a child a thousand times more now than i could have back then in terms of emotional maturity.

I haven't talked to my husband about it because it is not something i ever think about. He didn't know me then and might find it hard to believe that i was a less capable person back then who would have struggled with a child.

If i get pregnant now, will the doctors and nurses talk about it? Is it something i have to make sure my husband knows about before i try to get pregnant again? If so, i want to do it now before TTC becomes an emotional issue but if they wont mention it then i'd rather not bring it up as i'm sure he'll be supportive but it might upset him now that we're both older and thinking of having children.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Report

BeachBunni · 21/08/2008 11:19

Yes, they will ask you. However I was asked if I prefered it to be marked down as a miscarriage although I don't know if that's because I live in N. Ireland. It was never mentioned again after the 12 wks. Best to be honest, I'm afraid, incase as a lot of posters have said it might be relevant.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 11:23

An abortion should not be marked as a m/c imo.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/08/2008 11:24

She should be honest with the midwife but I don't think she needs advising to tell her DH. Presumably she has decided not to for a reason.
For the people who were confused that I was 'comparing herpes and a termination' - I wasn't, just making the point that they don't tell your DH anything that's in your notes so you are probably ok unless he reads them - otherwise you could ask the MW not to write them in your notes.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/08/2008 11:25

Why not? They are interested in how many pregs you have had and when they ended, whether it was mc or termination doesn't actually make any difference. I don't think it's a great idea to pretend to DH that she had a mc either though, will bring more problems than it solves.

thishappenedtome · 21/08/2008 11:29

Blimey. There is no way I would want to pretend I had a mis-carriage when I had my abortion, not even years later. It implies there should be some kind of shame attached!
How awful!

I agree that the OP shouldn't be advised that she should tell her husband. Why?

nooname · 21/08/2008 11:30

Hi,
I always have to face this one (have been pg 5 times now with one termination, 2 m/cs and 2 normal pgs!!)
My exp has been that they ask about previous pgs at your midwife booking in app, when you mention a termination they ask if you want it on or off your notes. The first few times they simply put a dot on the top line, but this time she just didn't put anything on there at all.

After that first booking-in app the only other time it was mentioned was when I've been to the EPAU when they ask again about previous pgs. If you have to go there, either book in without your dh present, or just don't tell them - they should already have the info anyway.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 11:33

I don't understand why anyone would counsell someone keeping somethihg like this from her husband. Trust anyone?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/08/2008 11:37

ImnotmamaG
The OP wasn't asking for advice on whether to tell her DH. People wading in with advice to tell him is not helpful or sensitive. Your post sounds really judgememnntal on a subject that the OP did not ask for advice on. Why people feel the need to comment on people's lives and choices without being asked I don't know. She asked whether they would tell her DH, and that is what people should be responding to.

thishappenedtome · 21/08/2008 11:38

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe - can you explain to me why it would be a trust issue?

My Abortion was over 12 years ago and has no relevance to my current relationship at all. I don't think I am lying to my OH by not tellling him every detail of my past medical history. I'm not 'keeping it from him' or deceiving him - it's just not that relevant.

I wouldn't want a midwife or doctor to tell him all my other medical history - it's supposed to be confidential anyway - so why wouldn't I hope that they wouldn't tell my OH about my Abortion?

thishappenedtome · 21/08/2008 11:39

Exactly Kat! the OP asked if a part of her medical history could be not divulged to her husband. I think it's a fair enough concern and the advice to 'tell him' is not what she was asking for.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/08/2008 11:40

And broodymum -

I was pointing out that they do not tell your partner anything that is confidential, whether that be your HIV status, previous pregnancies, or whatever. I wasn't 'comparing' herpes with a termination, which you seem to think I was.

nooname · 21/08/2008 11:44

I'd only read op so just realised this turned into a bit of a debate!

From my experience there is no reason why your husband should find out without you telling him as I don't think it would be brought up other than in a question - which you can choose not to answer. Also if you are worried ask the midwife to reassure that this won't happen. (They will have had situations like this a million times.)

Regarding telling your husband, I would say tell him if you think it would help you to tell him. I told my dh when we had only been together a short while and he was lovely and it helped me with the guilt I was still feeling at that time. But if you don't think it will help you or you aren't sure what his response will be I don't see why you should need to tell him. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to know everything about each other.

A termination is a hugely personal thing and I don't see why you should have to share it with someone else if you don't want to. Having said that, getting pregnant can bring up a lot of feelings about an earlier termination and you might want the support, or you might want him to understand how you're feeling if you're having a hard time.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 11:53

I am well aware the OP did not sak for advice on telling her husband. I am responding to the other posts. I feel if someone wants to keep this from their husband it sounds like they don't trust him to accept it and move on.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 11:54

Thanks for that kat2907. It is a public forum. People are going to commment. It happens.

BeachBunni · 21/08/2008 11:55

God, I knew someone would flame me for mentioning that. I was simply saying what I was asked by the mw and was not reccommending in any shape or form. My termination was at the start of my relationship with my current boyfriend so obviously he knew about it and I had no problem with it on my notes. In N. Ireland terminations are illegal so I assumed that's why I was asked that.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 12:01

I wasn't flaming you. I was passing comment.

thishappenedtome · 21/08/2008 12:02

"I feel if someone wants to keep this from their husband it sounds like they don't trust him to accept it and move on."

ah well, maybe you feel this because that is how you would feel about it but it isn't how I feel

When I asked the question in a previous thread it was because I wanted to be sure that my OH wouldn't be told by someone else as I didn't see why he should know TBH.

It's not a trust thing, it's just that it serves no purpose for him to know, just like he wouldn't need to know if I had chlamydia once 10 years ago etc.

thishappenedtome · 21/08/2008 12:05

Aprtion is not an offence in Northern Ireland.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 12:07

I wouldn't keep it from my husband if I had had a previous abortion.

thishappenedtome · 21/08/2008 12:09

which is up to you, but I still don't think not telling someone has anything to do with trust.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/08/2008 12:10

That's your choice. No need to judge other people for not doing the same, especially when nobody asked for your opinion.
Yes, it's a public forum, but that doesn't mean people need your twopennorth on everything. It's the virtual equivalent of curtain twitching.

IllegallyBrunette · 21/08/2008 12:12

I had a termination in between having my dd2 and Ds.

When I got pregnant with Ds the midwife asked if it was ok to iclude that pregnancy on the forms. I agreed.

Thing was, my mum didn't know about the termination, and she wokred on the maternity ward that I weould have the baby on.

I had to tell her as I didn't want her to just read it. She was absolutly fine about it, if not a bit dissapointed that i'd not told her before.

I would tell your DH, because otherwise you will have it hanging over your head throughout the pregnancy.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 12:12

What?

I am not judging. I am passing my opinion on. I am allowed to do that.

And I think you will find I do not pass on my twopennorth on everything.

I am an adult and can accept people are going to disagree without getting personal.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/08/2008 12:15

'I don't understand why anyone would counsell someone keeping somethihg like this from her husband. Trust anyone? '

You judge the trust that the OP has for her DH or that he has for her. You weren't asked to comment on her decision not to tell him.

Anyway, I've said all I need to say on this.

K8y · 21/08/2008 12:16

I hope it all works out for you. It sounds like you did the right thing at the time. However do you know your DH's view on abortion? And to put a different view on it if you tell him and it takes a bit of time to fall pregnant again will he blame you? Or worry that it's him?

Just trying to play devils advocate, I mean no ill or offence.

Katy
x

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