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Pregnancy

Will they talk about it?

82 replies

notpregyet · 20/08/2008 16:40

I'm not pregnant yet but thinking of trying soon.

A LONG LONG time ago i had an abortion. I was very young, it was about ten years before i even met my husband. I had double contraception failure (condom and MAP) and it was absolutely the right thing to do as i went on to get my degree and allow my then boyfriend to do his phd. We would not have made it together as a couple and i can offer a child a thousand times more now than i could have back then in terms of emotional maturity.

I haven't talked to my husband about it because it is not something i ever think about. He didn't know me then and might find it hard to believe that i was a less capable person back then who would have struggled with a child.

If i get pregnant now, will the doctors and nurses talk about it? Is it something i have to make sure my husband knows about before i try to get pregnant again? If so, i want to do it now before TTC becomes an emotional issue but if they wont mention it then i'd rather not bring it up as i'm sure he'll be supportive but it might upset him now that we're both older and thinking of having children.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Report

broodymom · 20/08/2008 21:34

You can say its your right to keep something like a sexually transmitted disease to yourself when you are not afflicting your disease on another human being !! my god what a selfish attitude.

notsoslimnow you would not tell your hubby if you had a std or are you reffering to notpregyet??

notsoslimnow · 20/08/2008 21:35

oops,have i missed something i though we were talking about a termination way before hubby????

broodymom · 20/08/2008 21:39

Waggledancer IME any confidential info has always been in my hand held notes as you are not guaranteed to see the same dr or even hosp thats the point of having your notes with all your info when pg.

broodymom · 20/08/2008 21:40

lol thought so

notsoslimnow · 20/08/2008 21:43

oh dear me...i appear to be far too big and pregnant to get with the topic! sorry... to clarify my comment was based on a termination taking place 10 years before hubby and the need to tell him about this now. sorry for any confusion xxx

waggledancer · 20/08/2008 21:47

No, anyone can decline to answer any question in their handheld, and can request any part to be kept confidential.
Lots of people don't want the risk of others knowing stuff about them they would prefer to keep to themselves.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/08/2008 22:39

Oh broodymum please read my posts properly for goodness sake you are being ridiculous

My husband gave me herpes

He knows I have herpes

Whether or not I would tell him if he didn't have it is not in question here (I would, but that's by the by)

My point was that the hospital did not say anything about the herpes out loud in case I hadn't told him. That is called confidentiality. I was relating it directly to the OP's question whether they will mention her termination.

Morally, of flipping course you should tell your partner if you have an STI. Legally, the hospital has to respect your confidentiality. I'm fucking regretting sharing that now, I was just trying to help out the OP and I get this.

broodymom · 20/08/2008 23:40

I have read your post correctly kat, and my point is that hiding std and hiding a termination are 2 completly differnt things!!!

I read the first time that your husband gave you the std, it could be you or joe bloggs!! what i'm saying is how can you/anyone compare something that can be transmitted to partner and baby to something that happend in the past that has no bearing on your current pregnancy.

I understand that you are saying you where treated confidentially even though your husband knew.

thishappenedtome · 20/08/2008 23:46

notpregyet - I have posted asking the exact same question and the advice I got was 'tell him' but I haven't and that was monthsago. Am also trying for my first with a new partner and I just don't know how to tell him. I was told it would be mentioned. I have decided to wait until I am pregnant before saying anything and plan on waiting until the pregnancy is well established.

thishappenedtome · 20/08/2008 23:49

"but I would imagine that a 'yes' response would have prompted her to ask some other basic questions: when, what happened...etc."

they might ask when it was but they wouldn't ask why or expect you to go through the circumstances.

broodymom · 20/08/2008 23:49

Kat it was not a personal attack on your morallity! i was using your example (if you read my reply to your post with a differnt view) by saying if she was asking should she tell her dp she has a std then yes she should because it could potentially harm her hubby or baby but her termination wont!!

It is obviously a difficult subject for you as you have taken a real offence about it, like i said i'm sorry but i did not mean to offend you.

broodymom · 20/08/2008 23:53

Thishappendtome - i did not want to discuss my previous mc but on several occasions it was brought up and i was Q about it, so you may be right it might get mentioned to her. I would rather come clean or not say anything at all than live with the worry.

thishappenedtome · 21/08/2008 00:01

Really? That's quite scary

I was told, when I asked on another thread, that it would be referred to and I do know I will have to tell my OH but for now I have decided not to worry.

bythepowerofgreyskull · 21/08/2008 00:05

to OP
I was in exactly your situation when pregnant with DS1
I phoned lovely GP and said would he mind not asking if this was my first pregnancy whilst DH was there.
He said that he wouldn't ask if I didn't want him to but he strongly advised that I told Dh as it may come up later as it would be written on my notes as ToP
I told Dh and he was lovely.
Good luck

hairymcleary · 21/08/2008 02:13

OP: I had a termination years ago in similar circs. I was asked at booking in appt and poss by GP- they wanted to know at how many weeks it had been done, but never asked again. Wasn't asked whether it was for medical or personal reasons either. HTH x

chutneymary · 21/08/2008 07:57

OP - this is something you must mention as if you are Rh neg you may need to be given extra injections during your pg and after delivery. These are nothing to worry about, but basically if your first pg was with a Rh pos man when you are Rh neg, then you may have developed antibodies and may some injections to stop you rejecting your baby. This sounds much more dramatic than it is, but it is vital that you tell the MW the situation.

In both hospitals where I have had babies your hand held notes from booking in are a print out of your computer ones! However, there are ways to disguise this if you haven't told your DH. I had an abortion about 5 years before I met DH and only told him once I was pg. He was fine and felt very sorry for me having had a bad experience with a shitty man. I'd recommend telling your DH but if you chose not to, you must tell the MW at booking. Booking is a long appt to discuss your previous medical history and it is unusual for DPs to go. If you decide not to tell, perhaps go to this alone and come clean to the MW so you can decide a joint plan for your notes.

ALl the best.

chutneymary · 21/08/2008 07:59

Mine is described as being for "social" reasons on my notes.

AHB238 · 21/08/2008 08:28

Chutneymary - finally someone that talks some sense. Was just about to mention this regarding RH Negative / Rh Positive and Anti D.

You have explained it so well and saved the need for me to do so.

notyetpreg - it is entirely up to you if you tell him or not, however you should say something to your midwife as it can have some medical bearing on any future pregnancies as Chutneymary has pointed out. I would turn the situation round and put myself in his position and see how i would feel if i found out something like that down the line. Maybe honesty is the best policy. You don't have to go into huge detail.

thishappenedtome · 21/08/2008 08:47

Hi again.

All this info is a bit conflicting. Some of you are saying it won't be mentioned by the midwife/doctor others are saying it will! I can totally understand why the midwife should know but I really don't think it's as simple for some people as turning it round and imagining 'how your OH would feel' or honesty being the best policy. Sometimes

I got pregnant in the same circumstances as the OP and have almost identical feelings about the abortion. It's not a big deal - as in it happened ages ago, it was the right decision for me, I have never had any anguish about it, it was a different life with a different person.

During my courtship with my OH the fact I had had an abortion barely crossed my mind as being in any way important to what we had. (it was 12 years ago!)

I think the OP just wants reassurance, like me, that this part of her her medical history will not be talked about in front of her husband. why should it need be discussed with her OH if it has never come up before?

Even though I have said that I would wait until my pregnancy was established before telling him, I actually think it's not something I have to tell him if I decide I don't want to.

PetitFilou1 · 21/08/2008 08:59

thishappenedtome It was in my notes - all three times. So my dh could have read it at any point. It wasn't discussed particularly - no need for that - but it was written down. So I don't think any of us can give the op that guarantee.

PetitFilou1 · 21/08/2008 09:04

chutneymary Good point - I am RH negative myself.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 09:10

It is best to tell them you have been pregnant before and have had a termination. It could be relevant.

I also think you should tell your husband. I assume he knows you weren't a virgin when you met it will come as a shock but it is worse if he finds out by accident through your notes.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 09:11

Also, if you do carry on keeping it a secret it will become a bigger issue than it needs to be and your DH might find it hard to trust you again.

ChocOrange05 · 21/08/2008 09:35

Notpregyet IMO I would talk to your partner about it and try to be completely honest with him - its not something you should be ashamed of as you did what was right for you and the baby at the time. As you are starting a new chapter of your life with your DH, by starting a family, this is a good opportunity to get the issue out in the open. Also if you do this, you don't run any risks of it being mentioned / discovered another way - and I think whilst TTC and if you get pregnant its wouldn't be good to have the additional stress of worrying about this coming out.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

ChocOrange05 · 21/08/2008 09:36

Notpregyet IMO I would talk to your partner about it and try to be completely honest with him - its not something you should be ashamed of as you did what was right for you and the baby at the time. As you are starting a new chapter of your life with your DH, by starting a family, this is a good opportunity to get the issue out in the open. Also if you do this, you don't run any risks of it being mentioned / discovered another way - and I think whilst TTC and if you get pregnant its wouldn't be good to have the additional stress of worrying about this coming out.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

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