I’m having a really difficult time. I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I’m 35 years old and have been married just over 2 years.
I had several early first trimester miscarriages before this pregnancy, and I was very heartbroken and really wanted a healthy pregnancy.
Since about 8 weeks into this pregnancy, I have been slowly feeling very depressed and in despair. I don’t know how this has happened but I feel like I’ve made a massive mistake and I don’t want children whatsoever, I feel trapped and I dread what’s ahead. I’ve had horrid thoughts of wanting to run away.
I spoke to BPAS at around 20 weeks about an abortion, they explained I would need a D+E and the details were upsetting, I was terrified to go through with it and also full of guilt for doing this to my innocent baby. My husband wasn’t helpful, I tried over and over to explain how distraught I was and how I have realised I don’t want kids, he didn’t take me seriously and said things like “the doctors won’t agree to an abortion because you have depression in your medical history”, “you do want a baby”, “I want this baby”.
Now I’ve passed the limit for termination I can’t cope, I cry everyday and I’m having very scary desperate thoughts. I feel like I cannot face becoming a mum, I hate myself for not realising this before now and for trying for another pregnancy, I am an idiot.
I went to an antenatal class today and I felt physically sick and faint because I just want to escape my situation.
I really need a shoulder, I’m in a such a bad place, I feel worse than terrible.