37 unplanned pregnancy

[Confused1249]

Hi all

please no judgement as I have very few people to talk to IRL about this

I am 37 and found out a few days ago I am pregnant unplanned from my LMP I would be 5+2 but I do not always have 28 day cycles so going by ovulation I'm more like 4+2 , clear blue digi is showing 2-3weeks, this would be mine and my partners first child he is 36, we were using contraception but it failed

I am very unsure what to do about this pregnancy for a number of reasons and I feel very anxious and depressed and sort of like I want to go back to life before I found out

firstly my partner and I have been together for nearly two years, it has been very up and down and my partner has trust issues although I've never gave him any reason to, this has caused big arguments in our Rship and at times he has been verbally abusive towards me during arguments - the stability of my Rship is the main reason I am torn about this over anything else

secondly I have a one bedroom flat that I own, he rents with a friend but he mainly stays at mine, he said he would properly move in if we go ahead , however it's not feasible to live in a one bedroom flat once the baby is older, we live in London and the cost to move would be very high and I don't know how we wound do it, however we both have stable jobs and earn reasonable amounts - I do earn more than him though and worry about what we'd do when I'm on mat leave due to my mortgage

I live around a hour and a half from my parents , his family are all local but I worry I'd want my support network close and find it hard - I do have close friends who live local but my closest support network is 1.5 hours away

Another huge thing for me my parents know about our Rship , but have never met him ( I have met all his family ) this is mainly due to the distance but also due to the fact our Rship has been unstable

I know I am 37 but my parents opinion means alot to me, he had a very different upbringing to me and his family are nothing like mine - they would never treat him any different but I worry how they would recieve him - if I had their support though I think I'd keep the baby

I spent my whole early 30s watching my closest friends have children , I was birthing partner for my best friend last year and I adore both her kids, and I've always wanted kids but now I am in this position I am anxious and so unsure but I'd also find it very hard to terminate however I feel sometimes as though I'd be settling and my life would be ruined if I have his baby

my partner wants to keep the baby but said he will support me either way , he's very a much a spiritual person and believes everything happens for a reason but I'm not sure he realises our whole lives will change and he seems very laid back about it all

I thought it may have been a chemical at first as the lines were so faint and the clear blue was saying 1-2 but it's now progressed as have the lines and I feel bad saying it but part of me was hoping it was

I don't know want to do and this is making me very sad and anxious

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and anxious. No one here can tell you what to do, but what I will say is that you have plenty of time to decide, you don't have to rush. You obviously have a lot to weigh up, maybe contact BPAS or Marie Stopes (or any similar local organisations) and see if you can arrange some counselling?

I don't think you want advice, just to talk it out? Go ahead, we will listen.

@Kittylickingplate thank you.. I know nobody can tell me what decision to make I just feel totally torn

Firstly there’s rarely if ever a perfect time or situation to have a baby , you’re not in a bad place , there are plenty of people in worse situations who make it work, not
that this is a race to the bottom of course .
My advice would be if you do want children , being the age you are I would go for it

Thanks for your message @bugalugs45 there's just so many things going round in my head atm. I feel like my choice of partner may disappoint my family it dissaponts me at times ! And I just can't imagine our families mixing with each other that's just one of the things added to a long list ! But the thought of terminating also makes me feel sick as does keeping the baby !

I want to know how far gone I am so I know my options and times to decide etc but it seems that BPAS and the likes don't offer scans anymore and it's all over the phone? I'll happily pay for a private scan but I think I am to early

if the scan will give you peace, do it.

You can go to the BPAS clinic, it doesn't have to be over the phone. I went last week and they scanned me.
It would be worth going just for a chat atleast? It might make your head clearer either way

So I did have a scan today which has confused things even more.. nothing could be seen, not even a sac but my lining was thick which she said could be a sign of early pregnancy

if I go by my LMP I should have been 5+3 today but as I said I do not have 28 day cycles more like 30-35
so ovulation would not have been day 14 .. I could not have conceived any later than 18th October as I did not have sex after this till BFP

she said currently this is a PUL ( pregnancy of unknown location ) and I should get blood tests to confirm if HCG is rising and repeat scan in 10-14 days

From what I have read there are 3 outcomes with PUL .. to early to see anything , early miscarriage or ectopic

I feel silly going to the EPU or GP to check levels if I'm not continuing with the pregnancy ( still undecided ) but the thought it could be ectopic is worrying

in a nutshell even more confused now

4+2 would probably be too early to see anything
Can you book for another week or so to give yourself time to think?

I would say that at 38 I had a termination because I wasn’t sure on my partner and struggled massively after it to the point I was trying everything to get pregnant again and it’s only just happened at 40

First establish if you are pregnant. Then decide if you want to continue . Both the relationship and the pregnancy. Could you see yourself parenting alone .? It is perfectly acceptable to have a baby in a 1 bed the advice is to keep baby in with you for the first year . You would have time to plan maternity leave finance wise and the father would have to help support the baby either way . Don't be sad about not having nearby family they may not be as hands on as you might think . And while on ML you could visit often , maybe stay over .

The relationship is another matter. Ask yourself would you still be with him if you weren't having his baby .

@GrossedoutGertrude the thing is I'm not exact on my dates I just know that 4+2 is the earliest I can be .. from what I've read online sometimes a sac can be seen at that point.

Sorry to hear you went through that .. it's really tough was your pregnancy at 40 with the same partner ?

You have time OP. You have time.
have another scan. Breathe. Weight up your options.
if it was me and the pregnancy was confirmed. I’d go for it. As long as I wasn’t bringing a baby into an unsafe situation. And I would make a commitment to myself and my baby to go it alone if the relationship became unhealthy and toxic. And I’d stick to this.

Thanks @scoobysnaxx unfortunately the Rship had already had moments of being toxic .. not unsafe but the Rship is why I am very unsure more than anything

Your boyfriend doesn’t sound very nice so I’d break up with him regardless of whether or not you continue the pregnancy. If you keep it then make plans to move closer to your family.

@Canitrustagain it is not as simple as that I own my flat and for various reasons I can't rent it or sell it at the moment , my job is also here and whilst yes we've had issues in our Rship I would not choose to have his baby , break up with him and then move away.

Very up and down relationship and less than 2 years? It’s time to leave him.

It sounds like you’re wanting to keep the baby and hoping he’ll change (he won’t change). Your options are being a single mum and considering moving closer to your support network or an abortion. Think about what is best for you, not for him.

No it’s not the same father

I was so distraught by the termination I was going to go it alone, I had numerous IUI attempts via a fertility clinic and was lined up have IVF as a solo parent when I reconciled with my ex husband and we’ve been very fortunate to fall pregnant quickly

I would just say that fertility isn’t guaranteed and I don’t think the relationship can be your reason for or against - you need to decide if you want to be a mum or not

@GrossedoutGertrude I had. Similar situation in my late 20s, I had a termination not due to the rship ( different partner) but I didn't feel ready, I regretted it after and longed to be pregnant again for a very long time after , didn't like going down the baby isles in shops or seeing pregnant women , to make it worse 3 of my closest friends had newborns

This is my first time falling pregnant since then and that was 10 years ago , it does terrify me this could be my last chance

If you want it, I would rent your flat out for a year and do maternity leave at your parents house or at a friends if that’s an option. You’d make a fortune renting it.
if you stay in your flat you can use the mortgage charter to reduce your mortgage, and please charge him decent rent

Book some free counselling with Choices Charity on zoom. I did 3 x 1 hour calls because I just couldn’t decide

just to say your families dont have to mix.

Renting out is not always pretty. What if tenants dont pay or ruin the place it happens.
OP needs to consider it might bring problems in itself.

Appreciate the advice but Renting out is not an option and certainly neither is moving in with a friend with a newborn baby no offence to anyone who may have done that but I have my own place, my friends all have kids and partners so I'm not sure why id need to or want to do that.

It doesn't sound to me like you want an abortion. Especially given what you say about your previous one (and that was ten years ago - I think it will feel worse at 37).

That said, youll need to accept something will need to change to keep the baby. Either you'll have to be open to doing it alone (and there's nothing to say you can't do that in the flat you have - I wouldn't consider it reAlly NECCESSARY to have a two bed until the child is closer to 3/4), or you'll need to have some serious talks with your partner about making a serious go of it together (and whether that's actually worth it considering you describe the relationship As toxic after only two years).

You can absolutely keep this baby. But you have to make a few decisions and changes to help yourself.