Considering abortion

[Marciam92]

Hi everyone,

I need some desperate advice please🤍I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and I’m unsure if I should keep my baby or not. I have a surgical abortion booked in a week, I will be 15+3 days. I’m not sure if I’m going to go ahead with it because I’ve bonded with my baby already.

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for a year and his emotionally abusive and has been physically abusive once already. I know I should have left this relationship a long time ago but I only got the balls to leave when I actually found out I was pregnant. Something clicked and I knew I had to leave him. I had to change my number to get away from him because he would harass me constantly and call 20 times if he needs to. He didn’t respect my boundaries at all.

I’m very much aware I have to go through this journey alone and I’ve accepted that. I’ve asked myself if I can be a single parent and I’m really scared, I’m not worried about finances I have my own business and work from home. I think I have everything that need for this baby but no emotional support, I don’t have friends or family and I’m worried about it.

I’ve always pictured myself doing this with the right person, I’m 34 years old and do have hopes of being a mum but I wanted to do it with a loving par

You'll never be alone though, you'll always have to keep a certain level of relationship with him as you'll have a child together.

It's a personal choice though, mine would be to wait until I can have children with a decent man and amazing Dad.

this.

he will always have control over you through your child

Agree he will have to be in your life for at least the next 20 y.

it’s tough, I’m sorry you are in this position

Not necessarily.

He’s harassed OP, if he continues to harass her she can ask for a restraining order.

Men generally are not entitled to access from birth and if he acts in a concerning way to OP he won’t be entitled to anything. Thats if he even wants to see them, he will probably find a new victim within a year or two.

Does he know?
if not does he need to know?
if you can do without his ongoing financial support for the next 18 years I would be tempted to go ahead and state ‘ father unknown’.
many of us do not know our ‘sperm donors’. Happy to have had fab mums!

@AgeingMillennial thanks for your reply 🤍 I’m definitely well aware it’s a real baby now and I’m struggling with the thought of abortion at this stage. I’ve actually cancelled 2 appointments before this upcoming one, I don’t know if that’s telling me this child is meant to be here.

He knows I’m pregnant, he hasn’t harassed me since I’ve changed my number however it’s only been two weeks. He knows where I live but he hasn’t shown up here which I’m happy about. But I just worry about when the child is here, his going to feel entitled to have that access. I don’t plan on putting him on the birth certificate or anything like that, we don’t need anything from him like child support, child maintenance etc. x

If you do keep the baby then please don’t put him on the birth certificate. You won’t be able to claim child maintenance money from him, but it will help protect you and your baby from him.

Men like this can become very dangerous when a child is involved. It is best to keep him at arms length.

I’ve just seen your update that he is aware of the pregnancy. Tread carefully, op.

Again, keep him off the BC- but be aware he can take you to court to demand PR if he believes he’s the father.

@DoohickyJune thanks for your response 🤍
He knows I’m pregnant I’ve had to change my number for the sake of my mental health especially being pregnant, his very emotionally abusive. I’m happy to do everything without him, his inconsistent so I know his not going to be much help anyways. If anything he will make things harder it will be like having two babies.

I don’t have plans to put him on the birth certificate or anything. My fear is coming from whether I can do it alone but I won’t be the first woman to do it. X

@Livergoingtogivemeup Thank you 😊 I know that’s what I’m dreading having to deal with him. Honestly wish I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this x

@Ghht thank you for the advice x

It really isn’t a good situation to bring a child into. It isn’t fair to ‘them’ to give them this start in life. Wait until you’re in a good place in life, then start a family.
Focus on getting yourself in a better position.

The financial aspect is the toughest part of being a single mom and you've got that bit sorted.

You can get help from womens aid with managing the babys dad. They can guide you on how to handle any issues that come up. And if hes inconsistent he mightnt even stick around, it could end up being a blessing he's inconsistent.

No harm recognising too that with abusive men, you have to be in control really, not him. Imagine him as an elderly person you have to manage and don't bother defending yourself too much with him, just let him rattle away and keep an eye on the bigger picture. Do protect yourself from it though.

If I were you I'd go for it! And this is coming from a single mom with an abusive ex. The financial aspect is the hardest bit. You won't regret it 🩷

But they’re already in existence now and I’m sure they would prefer life over death. OP isn’t in a terrible position - she’s healthy, she owns her own home, has money, sounds relatively sensible. That’s far from a terrible scenario to be born into.

Take each day as it comes. You clearly don’t want an abortion deep down, you just want your ex to be reasonable, and there are laws and agencies in place to help with that. Nothing will happen immediately, you have another 6 months minimum of things calming down before any conversations need to take place with him.

If you do feel harassed again please contact the police. In the first instance they have a friendly word with him which is often enough to get them to back off, if not you can seek a restraining order. But the fact it’s been a few weeks without him contacting you or turning up sounds promising.

You can do it! You sound strong.x

This also

We don’t know that he will pursue contact, he hasn’t actually contacted OP for a few weeks.

There are no guarantees OP will meet a good man in the next few years.

She is already in the 2nd trimester with a healthy baby.

I’m always worried by how flippantly human life is treated here, especially when it’s only 1 factor that isn’t perfect. Aside from the ex, OP sounds healthy and sensible and has her own home/income. This is not a disaster.

I agree with this

You mean people being pro choice?

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary thank you for the encouragement x

@AgeingMillennial it’s not the best situation but it’s also not the worst either. I have thought about waiting for the right partner but that’s not guaranteed.

l can miss out of love and the perfect fairytale but I don’t want to miss out on motherhood. I’m 34 and yes there’s still time but realistically if not now then when.

Maybe my time is now. Not the best circumstances but everything works out how it’s meant to.

Thank you for your input and kind words 🤍 x

But the point is OP can't choose. She has already cancelled twice. If she is so unsure then I think it would be unwise to go ahead with an abortion.

Don’t let him take anything more from you. The fact that you have walked away from him to protect the baby shows how strong you are. By the fact that you’ve cancelled previous appointments and have said you’ve bonded with the baby, I worry you may struggle with your decision should you choose to go ahead with your next appointment. I wish you the best whatever you decide x