Anger, Husband, Pregnancy

[AnyaLavrov002]

Am I in the wrong to be furious at my husband. He is refusing to pay for my close friend to have IVF because in his mind she waited 10 years too long to try! We're wealthy, it won't affect us financially and it will give my friend what she so desperately wants with her husband.

He has outright refused despite the fact we live in a beautiful home with some beautiful land all paid for. It is not a financial thing so I don't understand the spitefulness. I adore him, he has given me and our four boys the world but I cry for my friend.

I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband, she is excited and I don't want to crush her dreams! He has refused to speak about it for two days and has stayed in his games room with the boys. My friend is 36 years old and time is not good for her.

She had one IVF cycle on the NHS and it didn't work, her and her husband don't have fertility problems or none that was discovered. I want her to have what we have and cherish so bad!

👀

just popping in to bump this for you - sounds like a hard situation to be in.

Er why would this ridiculous post need bumping after 8 minutes?

You shouldn’t have promised your friend before you spoke to your husband. You’re in the wrong

Sorry, is it the wrong area?

This is also posted in 'Relationships' but not bumped by MNHQ🤔very strange imho

This thread is very odd.

why does it need bumping @FlissMumsnet ?

@AnyaLavrov002 you are in the wrong because it clearly wasn't your money to promise.
I can understand why your DH doesn't feel it's down to him to pay for something like this where there are no guarantees of a positive outcome.
I think you should tell your friend asap that you can't follow through with your impulsive promise so she can look at other ways of paying for her treatment.

WTF you promised your friend you’d pay for ivf. Even if you are rich as anything it’s not a pie & a pint, it’s a house deposit or uni fees for one of your kids.

#teamDH

Telling her you’d pay, presumably with his money the way you’re describing it and before speaking to him, was a terrible move.

You have massively overstepped boundaries with both your friend and your husband. Jesus, you had no right to promise your friend anything before discussing it with your husband. If I was in your husband's shoes I would have gone further than the games room. Are you always so controlling?
You are no friend either. How could you have have been so blinkered and insensitive? You have thrown a huge grenade into your husband's and friends lives with your arrogant and entitled attitude.

It will affect you financially if it takes more than one round!

Is the money both of yours? Or just his? If you have your own pot of savings I suppose you probably could pay for it yourself, but if he’s saying no I can’t really see how you can get around this now

Surely you have set an amount that you can spend without discussing it with your partner… I personally wouldn’t have promised anything without speaking with my husband first.

Bravo 👏🏾

Why are there two threads on this?

Plenty of people have responded on your other thread - did you start this one because you didn't get the answers you wanted? Overwhelmingly people are asking why you thought it was ok to promise shared money without one iota of conversation with your husband first. You've actually lead your friend on.

Oh, God. You think I'm an awful person? I didn't see it as controlling. I thought I was doing good. I can't take my offer back.

When did we become so callous when it comes to caring for others and so petty when it comes to money. I think your empathy is the best thing in this whole situation so be kind to yourself. If you can help someone close to you, you should. Always. I would be grateful to have a friend like you and I would do the same for my friend if I was in your position. I would also be really shocked if my husband responded like your husband did. I don't get the sense you were meaning to not consult him but you were over-estimating his character. 💛

Do you have any idea how much is needed and can you pay it yourself?

Otherwise you'll have to take the offer back because you can't honour it.

@AnyaLavrov002does your husband know you already said yes to your friend? If he doesn’t, tell him - it might make him think twice about wanting to be the bad guy. His reasoning doesn’t make any sense… she waited 10 years too long to try? It’s really mean. I understand why you offered to your friend, I’ve wanted to do the same

Do you have any of your own money independently?

Sorry you’re getting heat from other users. Yes with hindsight you should have asked your husband before but as you say you foresaw no issue with it xx

@FlissMumsnet did you realise that the OP has posted this in Relationships as well?

What a load of waffle. It could take many rounds to work, are they meant to spend £100k until it does? It may never work.

Op had no right to offer this amount of money.

I've been through unexplained infertility and would have been horrified if a friend offered to pay. A friend actually offered to be my surrogate which was crashingly insensitive. I never hsd children.

I'm #team husband. You should have talked to him before you made a promise.

IVF does not guarantee a child. And it's perfectly fine to not have a child and have a great life.

If I had lots of cash and a friend of mine was in that position I’d offer to help too. Dh and I have separate finances so I wouldn’t need to ask him.