When to tell difficult boss

[Goldielockes1111]

I found out I was pregnant before I started a new job. I work for the NHS. I was 10 weeks when I started my job. I'm not 18 weeks.

I have come to find that my boss is exceptionally difficult. On my second week she asked if I had a partner, do I have kids and do I plan to have kids. All in front of my new colleagues. I said you never know because I have had losses in the past and I was not ready to tell anyone. She then proceeded to ask my age (I am 40) and was trying to work out whether I would be able to have kids at my age.

From what I have seen of her she is extremely controlling. She keeps tabs on everyone and she is a bit of a bully.

I have been having multiple appointments because I am high risk and I have used my annual leave. However, I am running my annual leave down quickly and I feel I need to just tell her so I can access my antenatal appointments without using annual leave.

When did others tell their manager? How can I protect myself when I tell her? I believe she will question if I knew when I started and she will question my team to see if they knew. She may also decide to tell the whole department because she can't keep anything to herself.

She will have no choice but to act in lines with the law. Please do not be fearful of her reactions.

I’m sorry this is really stressful. I would recommend giving this charity a call, pregnant then screwed. There is an HR advice line that can reassure you and give you advice on how to handle the conversation and knowing your rights. It might help you feel a bit more confident holding your own with someone who unfortunately sounds like a bully. Link here: https://pregnantthenscrewed.com/support-services-2/

Can you speak to HR first? They may be able to advise and support, especially if she’s already known as inappropriate/bullying.
They would hopefully reinstate your appointment days as holiday once you explain they were for appointments but didn’t feel able to share that at the time.

I personally would say as soon as possible, especially if you might need more time off and monitoring (maybe it's changed but friends who had kids over a particular age got more scans and seemed to have more medical appointments in the early stages than me), as I would want to make sure I could get to all of them. That is only my personal view though, but I wouldn't want to try to hide it and risk missing any appointments.

Thank you i will give them a call. I am so worried. I have already seen her kick off with one nurse because age was off for two days with a flu bug. The flu bug that the manager actually started in the office because she refuses to have a day off sick because she is that controlling. I'm worried I will get the same treatment.

Thank you i will give them a call. I am so worried. I have already seen her kick off with one nurse because age was off for two days with a flu bug. The flu bug that the manager actually started in the office because she refuses to have a day off sick because she is that controlling. I'm worried I will get the same treatment.

These are my thoughts too. I already have a lot of appointments booked in and I just can't use annual leave for all of them.

My colleague doesn't want me to say anything until absolutely necessary because she thinks the manager will make mine and their lives difficult.

I was thinking to tell her via email first and copy HR in. I can't locate the maternity policy so eas going to put that i copied them in so they could send me the policy and let me know the process for arranging mat leave.

She may go mad if i cipy them in.

you are not fully protected until you tell her however I agree it would make sense to talk to Pregnant then Screwed first.

in particular i would ask what to do about the questioning she has already done - you have witnesses but i suspect it would be helpful to have something in writing.

1. Ask HR where the trust policy on maternity leave can be found
2. https://www.gov.uk/working-when-pregnant-your-rights has useful information
3. Are you in a union?
4. Agree that it will help to talk to the charity mentioned earlier

There seem to be so many bullies in management in the NHS these days it's no wonder the sickness rates are soaring.

You have rights but you need to tell your manager - could you ask HR if they will let you be accompanied?

Thank you. This is what is prompting me to want to tell her now. At least then I know I have protections.

I believe she is going to push me into telling her what dates and how long I will be off. But I haven't yet decided. I dont really know much about if there is a cut off for me to tell her this so I definitely need help with this.

I am in a union. Yes I could ask HR to come with me. That is a good idea as I dont want to have these types of conversations alone with her.

If I remember rightly you have to notify them atleast 15 weeks before baby is due.

It’s a horrible situation you’re in. I agree with telling HR first and then her.

You need to involve your union rep. They will be able to support you.

Im not planning on staying there for long. I feel worse for my colleagues. They all seem down trodden because of her. They are all on edge all the time and dare not say anything to her.

One day a week she makes one staff attend a meeting after clinic. So that person will have a clinic from start of work to 1150. They then have to join a meeting which last from 12 until 2 or 230. After this they have to go to her for a 30 minute handover and they have to have a working lunch (even though the lunch is unpaid). You have to pay attention in the meeting because she will ask you questions after 🤣

I've never known anything like it.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I think bite the bullet and tell them so you can take time out. I’ve got some complications with pregnancy and can’t believe how many appointments I have now. I’ve also been sent to maternity triage a lot for long blocks of time. Luckily my boss and work are great but it’s still stressful.

Maybe notify through HR and ask them to help manage the process. Also ask that they reinstate your annual leave you’ve had to take.

good luck xx

Thanks for all your advice :) I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly x