Looking for fellow support from those expecting after loss……(prev ectopic in my case)

[OneKookyRedFox]

How on earth do you stay stress free through all of this? It’s so hard not to feel like the whole “pregnancy journey” isn’t tainted by what has come before. My mum and partner are super happy and excited. I just feel…..well numb really.

Earlier this year I became pregnant at the age of 40 (unplanned and unexpected). A week or so in I developed one sided pain symptoms and started bleeding. Ultimately I was diagnosed as having an ectopic pregnancy and my consultant (rather sportingly) wanted to try methotrexate as when I was 19 I had a laparotomy to remove a huge cyst and lost an ovary. It took a full 7 weeks to get my hcg down to 0

Since then me and my partner have decided we would just “see what happens” and not really try as such and not stress ourselves out. 4 weeks after this conversation I’m sat here feeling sick and have a positive test in my hands.

The anxiety is awful. Every time I go to the toilet I am checking for blood. I’m analysing every little twinge or cramp……I have terrible nausea which I didn’t have last time, which I’m taking as a good sign hormones are increasing?

I’ve contacted the EPAU who have booked me in for a scan at 6 weeks so we can check location so I guess for now I have to sit through the longest 2.5 weeks ever.

I don’t know if this will be reassuring but most pregnant women I know stressed about having a healthy baby all through their pregnancies and all of them did. The chances against are so small. Hope that helps and congrats! Xx

Honestly I didn't... I spent 9 months with my first stressing every time I went to the toilet and searching for blood on the toilet roll. To the point I couldn't use Christmas themed toilet paper my dh bought as I was absolutely convinced there would be a spot of blood exactly on the red reindeer nose and I would miss it... I also spent that entire time thinking I was completely crazy and I couldn't possibly tell anyone I was doing this as they would all judge me and think I couldn't take care of a baby. Obviously that was the part that was mad and I discovered about month 8 that actually lots of women felt exactly the same, it's totally normal and actually I could have spoken to anyone else in my life about it and probably relaxed a bit. With baby number 2 I got referred to the mental health midwife and it helped a lot. Everything crossed for you!

First of all congratulations! I have no advice, but I’m feeling the same after a MMC in July. I’m now 5+5 and analysing every twinge and symptom. I’m struggling to believe this will end a different outcome to the last pregnancy, which is sucking all the joy out of it.

I’m sure so many other people feel the same, particularly in the first trimester, but by the time they announce their pregnancy it’s either long forgotten or a difficult thing to bring up in what’s meant to be a happy time.

That’s great that EPAU have booked you in for a scan. Hopefully that can feel like a mini milestone? Day by day until then is the only tip I have!

Also, if you find you’re really struggling do ask for a referral to the mental health team. The team at my local maternity hospital are fantastic and can give really tailored support x

Big hugs and gentle congratulations to you. And I totally resonate with the feeling of the joy being sucked out of it - it’s exactly how I feel. My partner and mum are overjoyed and feel dreadful because I keep flipping from feeling “meh” (I know this is me trying to protect myself) and feeling anxious just waiting for it to all go wrong. I feel so guilty for feeling this way.

Lets keep everything crossed these babies are in the right place and sticky xx

Thank you, keeping everything crossed for you too. And don’t feel guilty for feeling like this, as you said it’s a natural defence mechanism so be kind to yourself xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. This is the worse stage, I promise it gets easier.

I’m currently just before 20 weeks and couldn’t have imagined I would feel as I do now. This is an IVF pregnancy after a loss. To start I wouldn’t let anyone congratulate me, felt like I was going to my own execution going to the first scan at the IVF clinic shaky legs and tearful. Everytime my DH tried to talk about the future (eg we have no space and need to move) I would hit back about why we need to wait for the 20 week scan.

A few things started to shift. I actually had some very heavy bleeds from haematomas and that resulted in a lot of scans. Bizarrely that actually helped reassure me. Also because I knew they weren’t in a dangerous location and it almost reassured me to see the baby wasn’t all that fragile in there

NIPT test at 10.5 weeks also helped. And strangely finding out the gender allowed some excitement to come through

My DH started challenging me on some of the stats I was parroting at him, that was helpful!

I think overall it was just very hard to maintain that level of fear

Another thing my therapist said: we imagine the worst case scenario to try to protect ourselves in case it happens. But studies have shown it doesn’t reduce the pain of the outcome, we just end up suffering twice. So kept trying to remind myself that

I think given your experience it will be hard to feel anything but anxious until you’ve had the early scan to confirm the location of the pregnancy. Try to do what you can to keep yourself distracted the next 2.5 weeks. And yes I agree the nausea is a good sign! Wishing you all the best xxx

Pregnancy after loss is very different unfortunately. I'm 32 weeks after having 2 miscarriages. I've had 3 bleeds where I've thought i was losing the baby. I didn't buy a single baby item until around 27 weeks as I just felt like it wouldn't work out. I still won't be happy until the baby is safely in my arms but I have started to accept that it's looking likely that they'll be ok!

Do whatever feels right for you, ignore it, don't talk about it or talk about it loads! Know that no amount of worrying will change the outcome though, what will be will be.

I'm 25 weeks after a miscarriage and honestly, I haven't enjoyed this pregnancy at all. BUT I am gradually starting to feel excited. (I've had both NIPT and amniocentesis, for different reasons, and all came back clear so that has helped.)

Sending a big hug and wishing you all the luck xx