Hello everyone, hope you're all having a good Tuesday. (:
Here to post probably the same thing you've all read a thousand times: we're TTC (it's our first month), and I'm temporarily “insane”.
I joke to my DH that I have “pre-partum psychosis” (no disrespect to legitimate mental illness, but I have to laugh or I'll really not be able to cope...then things might truly transition in that direction...send a raft! Haha). Many of your posts sound literally just like me. I could write them myself. I have so much empathy for all of you in this process. I feel dumb even complaining when so many of you have been trying so patiently. I feel dumb even assuming I could be pg because it just seems so statistically unlikely for it to be “this easy”. Surely, it has to be harder, take longer, etc.
My cycle (28/27 at the shortest) is like clockwork. Every month before I get my period, my temp. begins to drop by CD23/CD24 on a downward slope until I get AF. I usually ovulate “late” around CD16/17 rather than the textbook CD14, but it's consistent for me from month to month. My luteal phase is usually 10-11 days long, which I know is on the “shorter side”, but apparently, still within normal. I have only missed my period maybe twice in my entire life and I am fairly certain one time I was too thin (96lbs), and the other time, I had back to back respiratory viruses beforehand so I assumed it was that. Those cycles were both so many years ago.
This month, I am fairly certain I o'd on CD16/17 due to my OPKs. BBT, and EWCM. My CP was high, soft, and open upon my nurse hubs checking with a lighted speculum, lol. We mean business. We did two IUIs within that 48-hour window (we're a queer couple). I'm not on any fertility meds or hormones, and haven't been on any ever aside from BC about 4 years ago and my period came back within 1-2 months and had no irregularities for me. She has a strong personality, apparently.
My temperature has not only stayed elevated after ovulation, but everyday, it climbs slightly higher, like a “staircase”. I am now CD25 and I have had negative tests (FRER+CB Rapid Detection+Easy@home sticks) yesterday and today (which I assume would have been 7DPO and 8DPO). When I say negative, the white part is literally Casper. There's not even a shadow. Even the test is like, “nope, youse a dumb one, huh?”.
As for symptoms, I've had:
Most interesting to me:
- Three literal drops of pink blood when wiping yesterday (CD24/possibly 7DPO) while having the lightest menstrual-type feeling cramps ever that were on/off and only lasted a few hours, really. It felt like little pulls. I've never had light cramps 4~ days before my period was due that went away, so this was the most exciting...
- Profound boobie pain that hasn't stopped since I ovulated (I've had it before but never this bad, even the water in the shower kinda hurts...).
- Strange metallic taste in my mouth since yesterday (goes away when I eat but comes back).
- NO TEMP DROP??? My period predictor is so confused, it predicts I might get my period on CD35 because it's so confused by this unusually consistently high pattern, lol. It actually now says my ovulation temp is "below cover" based on my post-o temps if that makes sense.
Less interesting, but in hindsight might be notable:
- Gassy girl (but it's probably beans).
- Vivid dreams almost every single night (I rarely dream at all usually...)
- Slept for 10 hours the other day for literally no reason (probably just stress).
- Emotional (but LOL, this process would do that to us alone).
- My skin looks...kinda calm and even, instead of like a 13-yo boy in puberty like usual at this time of the month. Maybe I washed my face more this month. LOL
What's hard for me to reconcile is the fact that it's “2-3 days before my period” and my early pg tests are negative. I swear I feel different, but then I tell myself that you ladies have probably said that to yourself too a thousand times and been duped by our bodies. I tell myself that my symptoms are probably just progesterone/pms symptoms. I tell myself my temps are just whatever, not reliable enough on their own, etc. but I look at my chart, with the three months history especially (actually many more months, but I look at the last 3 the most), and feel validated. I know I am not “out” until my period comes, but I feel low-key angry today at my tests, and I guess I might need a little extra support. I don't know how you all do it. You're so strong. I myself do not feel so strong today. I do not feel neither patient, nor resilient. I just feel koo-koo cocoa puffs.
In a weird way, I want confirmation that I am not just a psychosomatic mess almost as much as I want our BFP (haha) just to feel validated.
I feel like people who get late positives all mentioned they have longer cycles than me, and had more time until their period than I do. That's what makes me feel “out” for the month.
I'm gonna go cry now, even though I feel like I have no right to do so.
If you made it this far, thank you from the bottom of my probably barren uterus.
With love,
Wannabe Mom who prolly just needs attention