Pregnant with an on off situationship and unsure what to do

[Peony1996]

Hi everyone,

First time user/poster here and just looking to mind dump plus seek advice. Apologies if this is the wrong category/thread. I found out I was pregnant 2 days ago, after a missed period and according to the Flo app I am 17 DPO. Estimated due date is 25/04/2027.

I am newly 30 and not in a relationship with the dad. We met on Tinder in December 2025 and have very much been in an on/off "situationship" since. We both care for each other and like each other, but have never explored anything more serious. He is also 24, turning 25 in November. We've had ups and downs during the time we've known each other but ultimately we always come back to each other.

Regarding the pregnancy, it was both of our faults as I wasn't on any contraception (please don't judge) but according to the Flo app at the time of conception I wasn't fertile and the risk was low. However, I am not naive and know that Flo isn't 100% accurate.

I have very mixed emotions about finding out I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. I have always dreamed of being a mom, it is something I have always wanted and even had a plan that if I didn't meet "the one" by the time I was 34 then I would go through IVF/sperm doner alone.

The BD is supportive - he was obviously very shocked and feels scared and worried, but he has said he would support me if I choose to keep it. He has said that he does think it best we didn't because it would be a lot for the both of us to handle and he's worried on what sort of life we can give the baby, however that doesn't mean he doesn't want to be a dad and isn't running away from it. He said that he would want to be actively involved from the start and not just "pay money and see the baby occasionally" in honesty, his reaction has been overall very mature and surprising. A relationship is not necessarily off the table between us, and we said that it would be something that we could look at later down the road and for now the baby would take priority. We get on really well, there's a lot of love between us and history. He does have a full-time job and lives with his best friend.

My mum is also supportive of either decision I make, and has also said "everything happens for a reason" and that it could work and she is okay with it.

Regarding abortions, I'm not against them in the slightest but for me personally I fear that if I was to terminate the baby then I would later regret it especially if I don't get a chance again in the future. I am also worried about the emotional and mental toll it would have on me and I don't think I would be strong enough to go through with one.

If I was to keep the baby, hand on heart I know I could do this. I have my own home (shared ownership property), a well-established and good salaried full-time job, an entire village of family and friends who would support me, and a BD who wants to be actively involved and supportive.

But then I have my own worries and concerns. Am I being selfish if I keep the baby because I want it and it's all I've ever dreamed of despite the circumstances? I worry it is the wrong timing. Do I wait until I meet someone else who I'm actually in a relationship with, do I wait for marriage etc.

In all honesty, the thoughts of keeping it outweigh the abortion but I am torn and finding it hard to make the choice.

I guess all I'm really looking for is outsider perspectives and thoughts. If there are any similar stories that can be shared I would really appreciate it.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this - please ask any questions and I'll happily answer too x

I would get some counselling.

Was in a similar position aged 22 and accessed it quickly through the NHS (be careful, there's a Christian anti abortion group called Choices that masquerade as this).

I hope you make a decision that works for you

Needlessly unkind.

Why kick another woman when she's down?

It sounds like you are in a good position- financially, mum, family, own home to get through this. Just prepare to be a single parent too because he may say all the right things now and turn later. Also, a 24yo isn’t going to give you commitment and maturity right now. So don’t expect anything long lasting to happen there.

i would prepare for a life of doing this solo and see him as an extra person rather than living hopefully that he decides to commit.

Why didn’t you use contraception? You’re 30, so you knew the risk. Is this something you wished?

the father is 24, what he says now is fairly irrelevant. If he wanted to have been in a relationship with you he would have been, a baby is going to make it less likely, not more likely.

you clearly wish the child, but you need to go at it as assuming you will be a single parent, he will likely meet someone in time and start a family with them.

hes also been clear, albeit politely, he doesn’t wish this.

It sounds like you’ve made up your mind already.

Poor decisions on not using contraception!

You clearly want to continue with the pregnancy and your situation sounds viable for single / lone parenting.

You can seek maintenance and involvement from the father, but wouldn’t count on him being a good father (many aren’t) and if the relationship was a go-er it’d probably have happened before now.

Your ‘plan B’ to have DC in the scenario of not being in a relationship with someone and trc within a few years sounds a long shot. It could cost tens of thousands of pounds, years, invasive treatments and time, and no guarantees.

@Dozer , you don't need ivf necessarily at all to go solo! I know at least 3 woman who have used a donor and done it themselves, much easier.

Yes there a range of scenarios with donor sperm. It was OP who mentioned IVF.

In OP’s situation pregnancy through sex with someone she’s dated and knows a lot about, and who would likely be known to the DC and responsible for at least some financial input, over donor sperm, from the perspective of what’s better for the DC.

You will undoubtedly on mm be told that you have done this to yourself and are stupid. You will more then likely get people telling you to terminate.

the truth is what’s done is done. No one else can make this decision but you. It is so personal and no one should influence you either way.

Appreciate the comments and believe me, I know this was reckless. Should we have used contraception? Yes. Can we go back in time? No. So I don’t really need to be pointed out for my stupidity when I’m already kicking myself for being careless. We were both under the influence of alcohol and the split second of not putting a condom on happened. Unfortunately this is a case of ‘it only takes one time’.

I’m not pining for a relationship with him, and know that there’s a real possibility of being a single mom and co-parenting. I am okay with that.

You’ve know this guy for less than a year, and it’s not been smooth sailing, and you don’t really have a history with him if you met him in December. Given that I’d be making this decision without him in the picture. He’s saying all the right things but you don’t know him to be reliable, so you can’t trust him for the next 18 years of active parenting.

You need to decide what’s right for you now, how will being a single parent impact you now and in the future. What impact on future career choices, relationships, will the “village” support you in the longer term - often they don’t because life changes and the support you relied on having doesn’t work out that way.

Its a hard situation, but you need to think of your own capacity here and not rely on half promises from a flakey bloke.

youre a person who really wants to be a mum.

your plan was to get ivf in four years time if you didn't meet a guy. so you must have done research and really thought about it.

What would you do about your job nursery local good schools etc for that? share that with us and other mums can tell you what they found about being a part timer or whatever.

the only difference between all of that and now is four years. would you have expected to be in a different house or financial situation by then, it’s not that long and youre already in a good job. so is there much difference between now and then. except the dad?

and except you were drunk. are you in good health? can you safely carry a child to term it any health issues that would need consideration? are you taking folic acid just in case you keep it? if not i’d suggest you buy some today (unless it’s no longer recommended of course, it was in my day)

im not impressed by your lack of condom or drunkenness so you’d have to grow up and put utter stupidity behind you. but apart from that you sound like you're potentially in a good place to maybe keep it? im usually camp terminate (and have done so myself) but whats four years im the bigger scheme of things if you were gonna do it then anyway?

if the guy is half decent you will get the odd day off and some money. is he sensible? would he look after the baby safely? does he have family to help him look after dc?

depending on that and your plans for in four years, this could be ok. Providing you dont expect to seriously date any time soon (except the baby dad if you choose to). Your priority is dc. For many many years.

@Peony1996 I would abort because I would like to have a present father to my children that live with us. That doesn't mean that you should. There is no general right or wrong- it's just what's right for you and only you get to decide what that is. Good luck whatever you decide!

I would do what’s best for you. You can never be 100% the dad will be involved many people are married but yet divorce happens and dad leaves and takes nothing to do with the kids unfortunately it happens. If you think you can do it - go for it especially if you believe it would be a regret