Advice on choosing a sperm donor as a single mother by choice

[SEJJ8441]

Hi All

I appreciate there have been several threads on this but was looking for some 'up-to-date- advice.

I'm 41, single and would like to become a SMBC. I turn 42 at the very end of November this year.

I've had my fertility tests and a consultation at the London Women's Clinic. My fertility results were good but having seen the consultant yesterday she stressed that time really is of the essence now as even though I have a high ovarian reserve, my age means it will be harder to get a chromosonally normal embryo.

She wants me to choose my sperm donor in the next 2 weeks and I've started looking but it's such a minefield! The more I look, the more confused I am.

Does anyone have any advice on choosing a sperm donor? What qualities were important to you? Did you use the London Sperm Bank or another sperm bank?

Thanks so much - any guidance is appreciated :) x

Do you see photos? I think my major requirement would be kind eyes.
Good luck.

I think I'd choose someone as similar to me as possible. So the male equivalent of my appearance. Educated to the same level as me with a similar job to me. With the same sort of family background as me and the same sort of personality as me. This is so the child would look like my family and have more chance of feeling at home in my circles. I don't think it would be fair on the child to choose a background that I might have little experience of and little hope of supporting him in.

I say this as someone with AuDHD myself so I hope I don't get bombarded with accusations of eugenics for saying this. But in your position I would be looking for strong evidence, from whatever profile info you have, that they are neurotypical. Neurodiversity isn't very well understood and there are some genetic components and some components that are related to maternal age. Obviously many neurodiverse people live very full and happy lives, get good qualifications and have impressive careers. However, conceiving at your age, if you have any predisposition towards neurodiversity in your genetics and the genetic father does too then then it seems more likely that you might well have a child with particularly severe and complex needs to their neurodiversity which could be really challenging. I wouldn't have the same concern if you were concieving 8-10 years ago.

Given that you can’t meet them and get to know their personality I would be quite shallow I’m afraid. It would have to be north/Western European like me, decent height, high IQ, youngish to reduce risk of abnormalities (assume they filter on this anyway).

I was also treated at the LWC and chose a donor from the LSB. Mine was a bit of a rushed choice due to a couple of donors I was interested in “selling out” quickly.

For me, health was the most important criterion. The donor I chose was apparently fit and sporty, his parents were still alive and his grandparents had all lived into their 80s or 90s. I know that doesn’t guarantee anything, though. For example, one of my grandmothers was very long-lived, but her many siblings died at a wide range of ages.

I also wanted a donor who was intelligent and ideally had strengths where I had weaknesses. My donor has a degree, although in a similar field to mine which was a compromise!

I wasn’t bothered about the donor’s colouring or ethnic group - after all genetic diversity tends to be a strength. The donor I ended up with is Caucasian like me, but has different colouring. However, it so happens that my DD has my colouring and looks as though she belongs in my family. With hindsight, I should have paid more attention to this factor and I’m lucky it worked out so well.