Pregnant at an inconvenient time? What do you do if a decision is forced on you?

[Or4nge]

Before I begin: I may or may not be pregnant right now. I’ve had multiple previous miscarriages and chemical pregnancies with my husband, and my daughter is from a previous marriage.

We’ve really gone back and forth about having more kids because we never really believed we’d be able to. Every time it’s gotten serious, there’s been a massive money panic. Either decision has never been a deal breaker for us, as we have my daughter already.

Flash forward to now: my period is looking rather late and I brought up the possibility of being pregnant right now. I’m self employed. I earn more than average but not loads. We don’t save much if at all, because of the cost of living, and we have some debts we are clearing (not loads, just some that’s ticking down with planned repayments over time).
Being self employed, maternity allowance is awful. £800 a month. Enough to get by, but not enough to support a decent lifestyle for my daughter with my husband’s salary.

My husband’s reaction was simply “well we just couldn’t have it then could we. We can’t afford it”. While in all likelihood I’m not pregnant, and even if I am I’ll probably lose it shortly, that was….a reductive response to say the least.

For me it’s a bit more complicated than that, especially given our history. His response made me feel horrendous. I’m now panicking like mad, praying my period comes so we don’t have to have this discussion, and so conflicted. What does the internet think?

N.B my daughter is desperate for a sibling.

Why aren't you using contraception?

This. It’s completely insane to be that irresponsible about bringing a child into the world, however unlikely you think your chances of conceiving or carrying a child to term are. That’s on both of you! But if you can’t afford a child, get watertight contraception.

If you’ve had multiple miscarriages - awful to go through, I’m so sorry - you must have ttc for quite a while. So I’m confused by not wanting to be pregnant because it’s inconvenient now. What’s changed? If you’re late take a test then you’ll know what you’re dealing with. But the point remains that if you’re having unprotected sex it’s highly likely you’ll get pregnant so what have the two of you discussed about it all?

Your daughter’s views are irrelevant given she won’t be paying for the baby or being responsible for parenting.

Wow ok, I didn’t expect the vitriol.

1. contraception: we currently do. I said that I wasn’t sure if I was pregnant. My period seems to be late.
2. “watertight contraception” Sometimes contraception can fail. One of my miscarriages- the most recent one - occurred after I conceived WHILE ON THE COIL. I cannot take pills due to migraines. I had the coil removed because it literally tore a hole in my uterus.
3. I have a complex endocrinological condition which means that my cycles are wildly irregular and unpredictable. It is impossible to track like a “normal person”. The only option to be “watertight” is total abstinence.
4. We have spoken about having kids. We both said it was something we wanted. I was asking for advice about how to process my husbands reaction which was a complete slap in the face and a 180 on our last conversation.

Thanks everyone you are so supportive.

Let me clear a few things up here:

• most recent convo: yes we’d like to have children but we won’t try because the likelihood is low and it’s stressful.
• Using condoms.
• Money - mat allowance is bad for self employed, this is the case however much you earn as self employed. We would be tight, not bankrupt. This was also in a previous conversation and agreed to be fine! Just tight for 6 months or so.
• suddenly I raised possibility of pregnancy now (thinking it would be received positively) and instead it was received in the way I described earlier.
• previous MCs were 3 when we were actually trying and 1 when I was on the coil!!

So use condoms as well as another method? It is vanishingly unlikely you will conceive while using condoms and another form of contraception for instance. No need for 'total abstinence'.

@SuddenLull I am aware.
As I said before, I am reeling from the about-face my husband just presented me with when a hypothetical, probably indeed “vanishingly unlikely” situation may have arisen. This is about a principle rather than an actual pregnancy.
I was under the impression that we would be happy about it.

Talk through with him how it might work. I'm a business owner and for various reasons couldn't take much mat leave so I just took 6 weeks, managed a mixture of working from home and expressing so I could continue to breastfeed for 6 months. It's not the dream but if it's a wanted baby you have options.

@GingerKombucha thank you for actually reading my posts!
How did you manage with childcare after the first 6 weeks if you don’t mind my asking? My daughter is about to start school so we won’t be paying for nursery any more which frees up a bit, but I didn’t put her into nursery until she was 2 because she would never settle. Did you find you were able to be around enough? I work from home.

I had my mum for a bit and then a nanny, which I know is incredibly expensive, but we needed it. I think nurseries started around 6 months where we are and I've heard it's actually easier if they start earlier as they'll settle better at an earlier age. Depending on the flexibility, you might be able to make something work with a part time nanny then your husband taking over in the evening while you work. Again, I fully acknowledge it's not the dream and it was tough but I've now got a wonderful 2 and 4 year old and I'd take the pain of getting through it 100x to have them.

@GingerKombucha thanks that’s helpful.
I understand my husband’s gone into panic mode because he knows that if I have to be on mat allowance for very long we’ll start not being able to afford to take trips and take my daughter out for meals and stuff but to be honest this is coming from a place a lot of people don’t have the luxury of being in. And having run the numbers it would just be like a lot of people have it for a short while. He’s just so money-minded, everything has to be a plan.
Its just a bit of a kick in the teeth, if you know what I mean - I thought we’d talked about it already and the goalposts have moved.

As a self employed woman, I think that a few months of tightening the belt is worth it for a lifetime together and all the joy a child brings.

Why not just test first before you panic?

If you are pregnant you don't have to have an abortion or be forced into one. It isn't inevitable. He will have to suck it up.

@DontBuyAnotherBook I’m waiting until Friday because I know that that is the latest possible day my period could come (window was Monday through Friday). I wouldn’t have been panicking expect for the fact I mentioned it all blasé over lunch thinking I’d be met with hopeful excitement 🤦‍♀️