Overdue and feeling smothered by other people

[Catlady1991]

My baby was due at the weekend but still hasn’t made an appearance. The constant messages/calls from people are beginning to get to me. My mum calls everyday, sometimes multiple times, my aunt calls daily (both people I’m on the phone to for atleast 45 minutes), my friend text everyday etc… I keep saying to people that I’ll let them know when but the texts/calls keep coming. If I don’t answer people assume I’m at the hospital giving birth.

I have a good but also difficult relationship with my mum, she very much has empty nest syndrome. She has 3 other grandchildren but they live abroad so she is very much looking forward to this one being closer. Me and my husband decided that when labour starts we will keep it between us, then when he arrives we will let everyone know. My mum took massive offence to this and told me she would be “very disappointed” in me if I don’t tell her, regardless of the time of day. She even wants me to call if it’s 3am, I explained that this would add to the pressure and I don’t want people pestering for updates, said she might ask a couple of times but she “isn’t just anybody”. I felt cornered by her and she made me promise that I would call and tell
her. Today on our phone call she told me that I need to tell her when I want her to visit when the baby arrives, I told her that I’m not making plans with anyone because we don’t know when or how
things are going to go. Again she took offence to this and suggested that she comes over the day he is born, stay at ours the night and sees us when we come home but will leave about an hour after we get home. I explained that it will be too much, me and my husband will probably want that moment alone but again I don’t know how we are going to be and I don’t want the pressure of making plans until we know. I said more than likely I will invite her over the day after we get home from hospital but we’ll see. Husband is suggesting at least a week before anyone comes over, to give us time to
settle. Whilst I want some time just the three of us, I think a week might be too long before I want to invite her over.

Now to my friend, she doesn’t have children and doesn’t get it at all. She recently asked if I can pick her up 2 weeks PP, after a gig and she stays at mine. Keeps sending me “tell the baby to hurry up” “if he arrives this week I can come over this weekend”. Asked me to plan a birthday meal for
her in 2 weeks time, it’s not her birthday for
another 6 weeks 🙄

Mainly just wanted a rant but am I being a bad daughter/friend?

Omg no you are not being unreasonable at all.

Firstly stop picking up the phone or just text back 'im waiting as fast as I can'

Tell your friend no and that she needs to make other plans. It's not pressure you need right now.

As for your mum, it would have been easier not to even tell her that you were not planning to call her in labour. Which by the way I also think is totally fine, the last thing you need is people wanting updates. It's so much easier just to have the baby and tell them the good news after. (Unless of course you need/want their support but I get the feeling that's not the case here!) If I were you I'd just do that, she's laying it on thick now but don't feel pressured. Also if she's like this now it will.only get worse once baby arrives so practice setting your boundaries and sticking with them.

Last thing, no point in making plans not to have visitors for X length of time as you don't know how you'll feel. Go with the flow once you and baby are home. if you need two weeks alone so be it. You might also find you have more energy than you expected and want to see people or want the company :)

Hope baby arrives soon for you in any case x

YANBU.

I agree with PP that you need to set some boundaries. Honestly I'd just tell them to stop asking and say if they ask again you won't reply. I wouldn't tell your mum when you're in labour if you don't want to, my mum was literally ringing the hospital for updates and pestering my BIL when she knew my sister was in labour. I chose not to tell her when I had mine, stalled her with an unrelated message when I was in labour and then messaged once baby was born. It saved her hassling us and also saved her hours of worry. Also just tell them you're going to see how you feel once baby arrives, you might want company and support or you might just want some time with your little family! Don't let them hassle you into submission or it'll keep happening.

My mum was very respectful of my boundaries when DS was born and it made the world of difference. I thought we wanted a week to ourselves but within a few days I invited her over! The fact she didn't force her way in meant so much to me.

YANBU at all - I would put my phone on do not disturb, maybe send a message to all harassing family first that you will send no further updates until baby is here, will be in touch if and when you are ready for visitors, and to contact your husband instead if they really must intrude on this time. Protect your own peace! 🩷

ugh the everyone-assuming-you're-in-labour-when-you-don't-answer thing sounds so draining. i'm nowhere near due yet and my family already texts constantly, so i can only imagine how it feels right at the end. one thing that helped me was a single group text — "no news yet, promise i'll update the second there is!" — then muting it for a bit. you don't owe anyone a running commentary. hope baby comes soon x

I would just ignore everyone 😂 all of mine were a week late.

I video my parents when we had baby in our arms and they were delighted. I can’t see your mum taking offence if the first she hears about baby is being shown them, she’ll just be happy.

Tell your friend sorry you can’t help this time.

If it helps we used to get people to play due date bingo. So everyone had to guess a date and it couldn’t be the due date. It was a bit of fun and filled up the calendar with lots of different dates which took the pressure off. ‘Will it be aunty Margaret’s day or nanny pats!’ 🤣

Archive the people who are harassing you, make your WhatsApp status say 'not accepting any messages or calls'

Your mother can be as offended as she likes, her emotions are her problem.

Get offended right back, tell her to stop being ridiculous.

No OP, this is the one time in your life you get to call the shots. Forget your mum and your pal. This is about you and your baby and you will need all your energy for that. Get hunkered down ready to nest in with your little one, ignore everyone else who isn't there to help YOU. And if anyone else thinks yous should be helping them out, just distance yourself.

Both my children were 10 days late and honestly I switched off my phone around the due date and didn't turn it back on until baby was born.

The second time I told everyone the due date was a week later than it was and people for some reason started bugging me even earlier! This time the due date was last Friday and I've told everyone we're not due till the end of the month. Haven't been bothered at all, but maybe that's because people don't mind as much as when it's #3 or because I made it clear the last time how annoying it was!!!

You don't owe anyone anything OP. Right now you should be doing whatever creates oxytocin and reduces stress. So if people contacting you is stressing you out, tell them you'll be in touch when baby is here and stick your phone in a drawer !

I remember this feeling too OP, drove me bloody mad.

Arghhh omg, could you just put an out of office message on all apps saying ‘WILL YOU ALL JUST FUCK OFF’ or similar, then leave the country when baby arrives

Hahaha the auto-reply that just says 'WILL YOU ALL JUST FUCK OFF' might be the best pregnancy hack i've heard all week. i'm nowhere near due and my family already texts nonstop, so i can only imagine how done you are right now. sending you a quiet phone and a baby who shows up before the group chat combusts.

Mine are in their 20s now but I well remember this, especially from my Mother when our second baby was overdue and I was SO fed up of waiting. She drove me crazy, phoning multiple times a day to see “if there’s any news”. Didn’t have a mobile back in 2000 so texting wasn’t available to me and our house phone didn’t have caller ID.
I remember one day I didn’t answer the phone and she called my husband at work, in tears, because she was so worried that she couldn’t get hold of me.

On my second I told everybody the due date was 4 weeks later than actual date. Saved a load of hassle. We also knew the sex and didn't tell, and it was a planned c section and didn't mention that either...

I moved my due date by 4 weeks for my second and third baby/just didnt share the due date. With my first I was being harassed about whether I was in labour by lots of people, but my in-laws were driving to our house and the hospital looking for our car to see if I'd gone to have the baby!!! They then went completely mental that we waited 4 hours to tell them that I'd given birth, there wasnt actually any phone signal in the room and we didnt realise there was wi-fi, my husband wasnt going to leave his wife and brand new baby to go ring people. My in-laws just didnt get that they weren't the priority. They actually shouted at us about this when we took our 1 week old around, my mother in law told my mum it was the worst day of her life because we left them waiting. My own parent's had no idea I'd gone to give birth and was thrilled when we told them, my mum was glad she didn't know! There was no omg you waited 4 whole hours to tell us either!!

For my next 2 babies I moved the due date by exactly 4 weeks (my parents and sister knew the real date, someone had to look after our other children!). Even when we told my in-laws that we'd moved the due date my mother in law didnt get it and was very concerned we had a nearly 9 pound "premature" baby 🤣🤣, twice. I'm expecting my 4th child now, I couldn't lie about the due date as our children are primary aged and are aware when the baby is due (I wasn't going to lie to our children) and they would tell people, but similar to my 2nd and 3rd I won't be sharing I'm in labour apart from with my parent's/sister who will be having our children.

If I was you I'd tell them you have had the baby once you are home and settled. Say you aren't taking calls now because they are getting too much, tell them you'll let them know the minute you are in labour (but don't) your husband can message as you when you are in labour so you look like you are still online. Go and have your baby in peace, see how you feel afterwards, then YOU decide if and when you want people to come round.

YANBU OP and this is exactly why I took the advice of a friend who’d been in your position when I was pregnant and told everyone my due date was ‘June’. He was due on the 2nd, born on the 5th. No nagging and we announced him in our own time. I would do as a PP suggests and just respond ‘I’m waiting as fast as I can’.

Your friend needs a wake up call and your mum needs boundaries. These sorts of things only tend to get worse after the baby is born.

Some good advice here so sending something light hearted, send this to everyone then mute your phone

My mum turned up at the hospital uninvited while I was giving birth and demanded to see me. I had an awkward midwife tell me my mum was outside and very worried about me whilst my legs were in stirrups and I was trying to push the baby out.

She asked to attend the birth before and I declined as I wanted it to be me and my partner and my mum has a tendency to try and speak for me (despite me having always been very independent).

@Ghht whaaaaaaat?! That is awful!!!!

Ugh I hated this part of pregnancy, the expectations from everyone else!

Whilst it doesn't help you now, this is the exact reason I didnt tell a soul except DH my actual due date when I fell pregnant with baby2, I gave them the due month and that was that. A call a week from my mother "I guess it wasn't this week then!" was a lot easier to cope with. DH did send a text when we were checked into the hospital though, second time around my mum had her phone off as she normally does at night so didnt know until baby was here in the morning.

Good luck OP, for whenever it happens!

Oh my gosh, being told your mom is outside while you are literally in stirrups is a nightmare, I am so sorry. You clearly know your own boundaries though, turning down the birth invite when you knew she would try to speak for you was exactly the right call. Here is hoping baby comes fast and the phone stays very, very quiet.