I’m getting everything I wanted but now I am terrified and worried I have ruined my life

[ChristmasBaby2026]

All I have gone on about for the last 18 months - 2 years is wanting to move to a proper family house and start a family.

Well it’s happening - all too quickly really. We’re currently just going through all the legal shit on moving and hoping to get it done this summer, and I’m 17 weeks pregnant.

I’m freaking out though. I love the house we are buying but we will be TRIPLING our mortgage payment (which admittedly is currently extremely small) and our baby is due at Christmas.

I was lucky I suppose - I got pregnant extremely quickly but the pressure is suddenly on. We’ll have about 3 months in the new house before baby is here and then adjusting to higher outgoings on less money because I’ll be on maternity leave.

I’ll then have to go back to work full time to afford it all (well I could manage 4 days but to be honest I can’t see the point in that for the amount of money I would lose as work have agreed for me to do compressed hours).

My husband isn’t ready. He obviously knew we were trying and agreed to it but he didn’t want it to happen so soon, we wanted more time. We’re both in our mid 30s I really thought it would take a few months minimum. He had a stressful job and he is worried he won’t be able to cope.

My brother is getting divorced and I am terrified of my own wonderful marriage going the same way. I love my husband so much I can’t even describe it but we’ve just had the most chill weekend doing nothing after a holiday abroad and all I can think about is everything we’re giving up. Our freedom, holidays, time, keeping fit, buying whatever we want whenever we want it.

It’s so much change so quickly I have no idea what we are going to do or how we are going to get through it. I then feel guilty because I WANTED this. I came off contraception and we were intentionally trying to get pregnant. We even discussed an abortion when I was about 9 weeks along but ultimately decided it wasn’t the right choice for us but that was 8 weeks ago and I still don’t feel any better.

I don’t feel connected to my pregnancy at all - how do I feel better about all of this?

You are in your mid thirties, and I'm sure you are aware that your fertility will start declining now. That's probably why you decided to start TTC at this point.
Why are you continuing to rethink your decision now? Is it that DH looks like he is not going to be supportive? Did he actually agree to TTC, or was it that you told him you were coming off contraception and he was reckless as to the consequences? Which is a choice, of course. Because from you say, you can easily afford to have a baby. Realistically, it is too late for an abortion now, so I would just be looking at this as a fait accompli - stop thinking about whether it was the right decision, because that decision has already been made, as far as you are concerned, unless you are willing to go through a late abortion.
Be aware that it's not unusual not to feel connected to the baby until after it is born, and it can take weeks/months after that for some people.

@DelphiniumBlue my DH is wonderfully supportive, I’ve been honest with him and he insists he’s not going anywhere and he loves me. He agreed to TTC. We talked about a timeline last summer and agreed to me having my coil out in March this year. I would have done it sooner!

I really would suggest you go to therapy together. Just being honest, having a baby has put a big strain on our marriage and we’ve had to go to therapy. Best to do it now whilst you have time / money / headspace / you have slept 😂

Breathe. You’re fine. There’s never a perfect time and your worries are that you’ll be getting Mat pay (good, some people don’t) and you’ll have moved into a family home months prior. And you’ll have to return to work like most mums do.

None of those are disastrous are they… those are sensible decisions.

As for not being ready. If you’re not ready by your mid 30s you’ll never feel ready. You’re not 21. Being afraid of change and pressure is normal, but this isn’t some big bad thing that has happened.

You’re right - we will be in a lot better position than a lot of people. I wonder if it’s harder at our age because you have had so many years to get use the status quo it feels like a bigger change.

I really do love the house - it has three MASSIVE bedrooms (master bedroom is over 6m across), two reception rooms, a utility, parking for two cars, a boot room and a 100ft garden. It’s a proper dream family house and I have visions of family Christmases there with the tree in the bay window.

I’m just worried we’ll hate it and end up hating each other. We’re so close. We’ve known each other since we were freshers and been through so much. Our relationship really is very strong but I’m terrified of losing it.

Realistically why would you lose each other? Stop panicking about things that haven’t happened. You’re feeling anxious about the change and catastrophising. It’s pointless, let yourself be happy. He is a grown man who wanted this child. You presumably trust and love him. Why would that change?

You're stressing about stuff that won't definitely happen. You need to reframe it in your mind. You've got a great marriage with a supportive husband and you're moving to your dream home. That's amazing by itself. And the cherry on the icing is that you're going to have a beautiful baby to complete your family. Babies don't all of a sudden ruin relationships. You may just find that having the baby brings you even closer together, which is what I experienced. Stop spiralling and realise just how great your life is going to get 😊

Thank you - that’s the sort of rational slap around the face I need!

I think it definitely doesn’t help that my brother is getting divorced. Him and his wife grew apart although I don’t 100% know kids were to blame for that. DH says is not even a comparable situation - they were never as close as we were, didn’t have the history. We’d known each other 12 years by the time we got married, they’d known each other less than 2 and not even moved in together and then were pregnant not 3 months after marrying.

I totally get the worries and concern, because so much is changing for you. It's natural to panic. And it's going to be hard, especially at first. But if you remain calm with each other and understanding (think of their best intentions not worst) it'll be fine! We have a 2 year old, who has brought so much joy to us, and I love my husband more than ever. I was a bit worried about never being just the 2 of us again and bringing this new person in, but it's been great. We're so happy. You just need to tackle things as you get there and communicate.

Yeah I am so worried about it never being the two of us again! I’m glad you are happy, that’s encouraging. You hear so many doom and gloom stories about how hard having a baby is and being in the trenches and not sleeping it’s scary!

Hey OP listen I felt the same as you - what did I do?! I’m over three years in now and I’m fine. In fact I’ve spent the last two years trying to do it all over again with fertility issues (can’t be that bad if I was willing to do that eh?!)
You’re overwhelmed and it’s normal. I found every step I thought - how will I do that? First was how do I look after this little person FOREVER? then it was how do I go back to work now I’m so used to being with them? And you know what, it all worked out in the end. You will be fine - if you can’t climb a mountain, climb a hill instead, my friend told me. And it’s true - baby steps - you don’t need it all figured out

I think it’s much more common to feel like this than people let on, so much is going to change for you and if you don’t naturally enjoy change then it’s going to be tough.
Don’t underestimate the effect of hormones on you too, throughout both my pregnancies, my thoughts and feelings were so different and it wasn’t until after giving birth and hormones settling that I could see it.
It could be worth mentioning how you feel to your midwife and accessing some additional support around how you feel if it’s causing you a lot of worry. I didn’t feel as connected to my DC2 during pregnancy but now I’m utterly obsessed.
Hope you are okay 💐

Hi OP, it’s normal IMO. Your world is about to totally change and you’re having a wobble. I did too. It went away when I got to the third trimester and started nesting - my mindset changed. Now 2 DC, pets, friends who also have DC, couldn’t imagine anything different. Good luck.

It's natural and common to have a wobble or two or five. I mean, I had ivf so clearly desired having a child deeply and took great pains financial and physical to have one, and yet I still had the same wobble as you, at a similar time! It's a huge life change but I promise you it becomes natural and you just change along with it. Not overnight, but you do.

When I saw the blue line on the pregnancy test I cried. My baby was much wanted and planned but shit got real in that moment.

To address some of your fears:

Men are never ready. It's always too soon or not yet, when I'm 30... blah blah blah, one wonders how they got all the positions of power with their procrastination.
No, you won't have the same amount of time together but what you do get will be precious and appreciated.
Mortgage - meh. Worst comes to the worst, you sell & move somewhere cheaper. Likelihood is you've done your sums & it'll be fine.
Most importantly, you're doing all this thinking without the context of the tiny person you're doing it all for being here. Just wait. It will be worth it.

Life won't be the same. You might even have some homesick moments but it sounds like this little baby is wanted & once they're here you will adjust to your new normal.

All the best for a easy & healthy pregnancy.

Do you have to move? It sounds like you are putting a lot of financial stress at a time when you both need to be able to have flexibility and or be at home. Also it’s really hard to go back full time unless you really have to until they are a bit older.

Kids don’t need massive houses they need happy parents.

Congratulations on the pregnancy being a mum is fantastic… tiring and overwhelming but nothing like having a little buddy.

We do need to move. Our current house is far too small so we would need to move shortly after baby is born anyway and at that point we would have reduced affordability. Realistically I would need to go back full time in order to meet affordability for the sort of house we want anyway and we can’t live here for the next 5 years until they go to school. Our house is less than 70sqm and the parking can be very challenging.