How can I best support my autistic daughter through pregnancy?

[SmilingNana]

I have recently been told that I'm going to be a Nana by my Autistic 22yr old who is also out of work. I am absolutely over the moon but I am also worried about how I best advise her 🥺

Advise her own what though? Do you mean how you can help in practical terms, such as going with her for midwife appointments etc? Has she got a supportive partner?

How severe is her autism? Will she be able to parent effectively?

Does she live with you or independently? Is the dad around? What help does she need or want?

It's hard to say without knowing what your DDs needs are. Realistically are you likely to to be co-parenting your grandchild or does your DD manage her life independently?

What do you do to support her now?

things I will hopefully do one day for a DIL, ask her how she is/if she needs anything - make sure my sons are doing their bit.

Hopefully we’ll have a close enough relationship that she would be happy with me holding the baby for her to have a shower, me doing some dishes if needed, bringing some food.

It depends on her, autism is a wide spectrum. I’m autistic, as is my husband and we have two kids and no family support and both work. If you let us know a bit more about her and what she struggles with in particular we may help. I’m very noise sensitive for example and thought I’d struggle with the noise of a baby crying but I didn’t at all. Toddlers screaming is another issue though!

My apologies for not saying much! This is so new for me and I'm learning each day. She struggles with upset routine, big crowds, noise,cleanliness, getting out of bed sometimes is problematic. Eating balanced meals, doing things for herself. The list seems endless, it seems she wants everyone to do things for her. Her partner is very supportive but his parents are not and stress him out which is affecting her n then me. With her being out of work is also a strain as my hubby is concerned about finances which is also affecting me. She is living me, hubby n sister and I won't see her struggling.

Is she in a long term relationship, are his family supportive? Does her boyfriend work?

Is she unemployed due to the jobs market or because of her autism?

How far along is she? I think that you all need to think long and hard about whether this pregnancy is a good idea. It sounds like realistically you and your DP will be doing most of the work here.

Sorry but I think this has got disaster written all over it. And I say that as a mother to an AuDhd daughter and grandmother to her 4 kids age 1-5. I’m sat here right this second at my home with her two eldest kids. All 4 have got a stomach bug and she just can’t cope and so I end up taking half the load and doing half the care whenever tubs get too much for her. I love her kids, adore them but my youngest dd is 18 next month and here I am raising babies I didn’t give birth to when this was supposed to be MY time after raising kids. She just complains she can’t cope constantly ( despite us warning her this would happen with 4 so close together). And yes the children pay the price, their home life is incredibly chaotic and the kids are neurodivergent and my dd just constantly loses her temper and they all get wound up and bounce off each other like pinballs feeding into the chaos and mayhem. Is awful.

She struggles with upset routine, big crowds, noise,cleanliness, getting out of bed sometimes is problematic. Eating balanced meals, doing things for herself.

With this being the case, I think you need to prepare to not only be her carer but the carer for her child.

There’s a great book called autistic and expecting by Alexis Quinn. Also Autistic Parents UK charity.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster

I would recommend completing the care passport with her (you can find on the site) to think about how best to support her and what her communication and sensory needs are in particular, to help with medical appointments.

Does she assume you’ll keep housing her and the baby and doing everything for her (and then the baby)?

For her termination is not going to happen, she is constantly looking for work and is currently looking for somewhere to live. I believe that she won't depend on us as much as others perceive. I will definitely do the care passport, as parents we will do anything for them but I question myself every day if I'm doing the right thing

Your dd can claim universal credit... A totally separate financial situation from you /dh... When the baby is born she can get child benefit and more UC also.

And a £500 one off maternity grant that isn't to be paid back.

The way you describe your daughter, she sounds like a young teenager with a mental age/capacity of about 12. I would get Early Help involved as soon as possible (health visitors/light touch social services) but depending on how she copes when the baby is born, they might decide she cannot effectively parent. But if you’re prepared to step up, that’s fine. Good luck.

Why does she want a baby? She doesn't sound like she's in the best place for motherhood.

I hope that doesn't sound too crass, with your support things may well be ok.

What exactly is it that you're questioning? Whether you should be advising her to terminate a presumably unplanned pregnancy, given that she currently has no income, doesn't live independently, struggles with getting out of bed, noise, lack of routine and basic self-care? Why is she opposed to termination? Isn't she aware of how much her routine will be wrecked with a newborn, and how she will not be able to skip basic care for the baby?

Has she lived alone unsupported before OP?

Congratulations!! She will struggle with things not being on time as babies just are not on time! With me I found I had to just be less 'On It' and try to relax. Which is hard. But, I would let her manage this to an extent because she can relearn how to manage. If you always jump in, she will not adjust and that is essential

This maybe less about being autistic and more about being only 22 and not mature. I know a lad who has struggled to get a job since graduating and has totally regressed like a grumpy adolescent couch potato who walks the dog, plays rugby with mates and is otherwise totally useless .

Lots of the traits you describe afflict young adults ; the autism will be making it harder

She has not yet found her feet as an adult and yet now she will have the responsibility of a new life. It’s a lot.

But actually I don’t think it has to be a disaster. It could be the making of her, to discover that she CAN cope.

I expect you will need to provide a large amount of practical and financial support. Help the baby’s father to stay involved. And teach your dd how to eventually stand on her own two feet.

If she currently struggles with doing things for herself and wants everyone else to do things for her why do you, and her, think this will change when she needs to care for both herself an a child 24 hours a day?